“I feel lighter if that makes sense. I feel like it is okay to smile and laugh with everything because it doesn’t mean I forgot Stacey, or that I’m hurting her memory by living. She took my heart and our love was something I will never forget, but I also can’t forget that it is okay to be happy,” I tell her.
She nods her head in understanding. “Exactly. I miss Jeff every day, but if I let that guilt of living take over me then I wouldn’t have Damien or our family. I don’t think that he actually pictured me being a part of a biker club but, still, he would have wanted me to be happy. It took me a long time hearing those words to actually start believing them.”
I wrap an arm around her as we finish eating in silence.
“You should go home. Camilla will be safe here. There are tons of brothers staying the night and I think that you miss your house. By the way, it look amazing and I can’t wait until mom and dad can see it,” she says with a wink as she heads down to the rooms since I guess that she’s staying the night here.
I decide that she’s right and decide to head home. I go to grab one of the club vehicles when I see my bike sitting in the garage looking as shiny as ever. It looks like someone made sure to keep up the maintenance.
Crash comes in the garage and sees me and nods his head. “We couldn’t just let her sit. She’s ready for you to go, brother. Take care of yourself, you hear? Fucking glad you are back,” he says slapping me on the back and I nod my head in response.
I don’t say anything as I get on my bike and head home. I don’t know how long I stand in front of my house staring at it, but I blow out a big breath just before I walk inside.
The house is silent when I get in. I don’t know what else I expected, but I can see how I felt the loneliness a lot when I was at home.
Everything is clean and I know that’s Ella’s doing. She’s the only one who has been here, so I will have to thank her next time that I see her.
I make it to the room I claimed as mine and can feel the exhaustion hitting me.
I turn on a movie in my room and lay on the bed until I fall asleep.
This time, I’m not scared to fall asleep. I know that any dreams I have of Stacey will be her letting me know that she’s okay. Even if she is saying other things in the dreams, I can tell myself that they are not true. I’m not scared of them anymore.
I can do this.
It’s time to let myself live and be happy.
Chapter Fourteen
Camilla
It has been a few days since I have been at the clubhouse and I’m already bored out of my mind.
I feel restless and antsy without being able to go to the gym.
I’m currently sitting in the main room drumming my fingers on the bar top. I’m not drinking anything since it is mid-morning.
Looking around from side to side, I let out a deep sigh.
I hear a chuckle from behind me that makes me jump.
I gasp as I turn around to see a brother that usually has a smile for me, but I haven’t talked to him before. “It looks like you need something to do,” he says and I eye him warily.
He chuckles and shakes his head. “Sorry, that sounded kind of creepy. What I mean is that you look bored.”
I nod my head and raise an eyebrow at him.
He rubs the back of his neck and a little flush comes to his skin.
“Well…What I mean is… I don’t want to intrude… okay, I’m being awkward about this. What I am trying to say is that I hear that you were practising self defense. We have a gym down the hall that has lots of space if you want to keep practising,” he says. I can’t help but smile at his awkwardness.
I nod my head eagerly. “I would love that. Though I must warn you, I have gotten pretty good,” I tell him and he chuckles.
“Alright, well let’s do this,” he says and we head in the direction of the gym.
I can’t help but gape at the size of it. I also can’t believe that no one told me that there was a gym here.
“Mostly everyone works out in here, so hopefully you don’t mind brothers and Old Ladies coming in and out of the room. It’s a safe place for everyone to work out- a judgement free zone,” he tells me as I nod my head.
That’s a good thing to know. While I have gotten more comfortable working out and being around people, I still have some apprehension, as I think most people do, about working out in front of other people.
“Since it is still early, there aren’t that many people here, but it should pick up soon,” he says as we walk to the other side of the room where there are mats for sparring.
“Shit, I… well, do you need to change clothes or anything? I’m sorry, I didn’t think about it before we walked here,” he says.
I shake my head. “No, this is fine. I usually work out in clothes like these,” I say as I gesture to my long sleeve shirt and leggings. I had bought more that were specifically for exercise, but they were comfortable so I wore them all the time. I was also wearing a
