He parked the car and ran around and opened my door just as I was about to do it for myself. The gesture surprised me, and I had to stop myself from looking at him oddly. Once outside the car, he took my hand and straightaway I was floored by the touch, realising how long it had been since I had had such close physical contact with anyone.
We reached the front door, and I pulled my front door key out of my bag. I looked up at Will, who stood hesitantly.
‘I would invite you in, but it’s carnage.’
‘Hey, no, I understand. I just hope you’re okay.’
‘I’ll be fine, like I said. I just forgot to eat properly before I left.’
‘Well, make sure you eat something now.’ Will looked at me with concern ‘Eggs. They say eggs are good.’
‘Protein.’
‘Yes, protein.’ Will cleared his throat. ‘… Protein is good.’
‘Okay, I’ll crack on then.’
‘Ha, you made a joke.’ Will laughed.
‘Unintentional, I assure you.’ I felt the pull of the house and turned towards the door, to where there would be warmth, the security of my things around me, where I could open and shut doors and windows until the pain that was bubbling in my chest subsided.
‘You get yourself inside then,’ Will said perceptively.
I pushed the key in the door. Will walked backwards away from the front door, his hands were pushed into his pockets, he side-stepped a woman on the pavement – he was doing the two-step – then called, ‘Take care of yourself, Regi!’ and opened his car door, slid in and drove away.
I pushed my way into the house and made a dash to my bedroom before I came into contact with anyone. I opened and closed the door six times, ending on a lock. Then I stood in the middle of the room, fell to my knees and cried silent, heavy tears.
13
Now
I opened my eyes, which felt thick and heavy. I had somehow made it to my bed and fallen asleep. I had forgotten just how much crying took it out of me. The first thing I thought was why did I not see it? It was the most prominent child’s sweatshirt in the shop. It was a rainbow motive, for goodness’ sake. How could I have missed it? Mostly, why had I not seen it before Will arrived? He was intrigued by me before, and now his interest in me would have definitely piqued. I wasn’t sure whether in a good way.
I hadn’t meant to nap, but the shock had taken it out of me. I could hear plenty of commotion in the house, and I knew I too should be getting up and helping out with the preparations.
I pulled myself out of bed and took myself over to the window. I glanced over at next door and tried to see if I could catch a glimpse of the mother and child. The child who bore so many familiarities… But there was nothing. Even though the sun was now shining brightly, there was no sign of life.
Suddenly there was a banging on the door. I went over and unlocked and relocked it six times. When I finally opened it, I was greeted by a breathless Mini.
‘Sorry to disturb you, Regi, but we need a third opinion on a few things. Sophia is still out and well, you’ve a good artistic eye.’
I forced my face into a smile.
‘Sure, gimme a minute.’
Downstairs, I found Mini, Karen and Steve all looking rather lost, standing around the coffee table, which was laden with banners and bunting and balloons.
‘How should we set it all out, Regi? The last time any of us had a party, we were kids and well…’
Mini stopped short and looked at Karen and then me. ‘We just thought, you know, you might have some idea.’
‘Oh, I see.’ Suddenly I could see exactly what it was they were trying to imply. That I was the obvious choice, the mother hen of the group and that I would have had the experience of this kind of thing.
Well, they were right. I had. But like everything else, I had forced myself to forget about it. I couldn’t remember the last time I had to think about a birthday party. I tentatively walked over to the paraphernalia and pulled out some bunting.
‘You need to hang these centrally.’ I walked over to the large mirror. ‘Maybe here in the middle.’ I demonstrated by holding up the bunting. ‘Then the same with those banners, maybe across the doorways. I used to…’ I stopped myself, but not before three faces were locked on me with raw interest. ‘What I would probably do,’ I righted myself, ‘is stick some of these on the walls, at an angle.’ I grabbed some of the smaller happy birthday signs and held one diagonally against the wall.
‘With the balloons.’ I turned round to face them. ‘Bunches of threes scooped into corners, make sure there’s a good wad of balloons at the front door and on the side gate. People like that.’
‘Brilliant. Thanks, Regi. Karen bought so much, I just felt overwhelmed once she got it back,’ Mini said, and she came and stood next to me and gave my arm a small squeeze. I looked at Mini and smiled, remembering what these kind gestures meant from a friend and how I had always been the one to throw my arms around everyone. I found myself reaching over with my other hand and placing it momentarily on Mini’s.
‘Well, you sound like you know what you’re talking about anyway,’ Steve said, and I heard a brightness to his tone that I hadn’t heard before. I locked eyes with him for a second, trying to gauge his intent. Why did he remind me so much of someone I was trying so hard to forget?
I turned to go to the kitchen, but took a step back and grabbed a bag of balloons and
