‘I’m sick of it in here. It’s too cramped.’ He paced up and down the lengthy kitchen that I had always found to be more than adequate.
‘Well, can’t we think about moving out somewhere soon?’ I thought of the tiny foetus growing inside me. He stopped his pacing and looked at me with a hard glare. I felt my gut tighten and my mouth went dry. I looked at how close I was to the door. Could I make a run for it? But before I had time to consider it properly, he was by my side. His arms slipped around my waist as he yanked me forcefully towards him and locked me there.
‘You don’t need to worry about that. I have it all sorted. That’s what I do, isn’t it? I have a job I need to do to secure us a nice little house. Don’t you think I want that for you, my queen? I was only discussing it with someone this morning.’ He spoke so softly that anyone who overheard him would think me the luckiest woman in the world.
‘Really?’ I said, surprised. The flat was fine for the two of us, even three or four of us. I had made it nice over the last few months, ordered some extra bits of furniture when D was having a ‘generous day’. And now I was meticulous. I made sure it was tidy beyond anyone’s expectations, every single day. D had spoken of us moving occasionally, but now it sounded as though it would actually happen soon.
‘Yep.’ He bent his legs and arched his back a little so I was curved into him, my head almost at his height.
I felt the intensity of the closeness between us.
‘You know how you said that maybe one day you imagined us as a little family?’
He gave a mere nod.
I swallowed again. ‘Well, I think that that time might be here very soon. I’m pregnant.’
He let go of me so quickly I thought I would fall backwards. I braced myself, ready for a fist or a kick. His hands were running through his short hair, an action he often did when he was riled.
‘You mean, I’m going to be a dad?’ I looked at him and I could see his eyes glimmering with tears. It was a side of him I had never seen. I nodded.
‘Fuck me. I’m not sure I’m ready for this. I mean, look at me – I still feel like a kid myself. But, heck, I’m nearly thirty – if not now, then when?’ He pulled me back towards him again. He was whispering things into my ear, promising me all sorts of things.
I knew I should have felt the ecstatic feelings, like they did in the films, as he pulled me into his arms. I felt as though I should have closed my eyes and inhaled him in whilst I imagined my future. I tried to focus on the positive, the new life inside me, but all I could think of was how I had already been here once before, and how he had reacted as if the last one meant nothing. I hadn’t forgotten his reaction that day when he came home and found me bleeding the first time I was pregnant. I made no accusations – he was never made to feel responsible – but I had expected a little empathy. It was his child as well. He simply told me to ‘clean up the mess and stop overreacting – it happens all the time’. That baby may only have been mine for a few months, but I would never forget it. I would never forget the way he treated me.
I made a promise to myself that when this new baby arrived, I would protect it with my life.
Instagram post: 6th May 2019
Hi guys, me again! I can’t believe how lucky we are with the weather right now. I feel so blessed to have my little bit of space outside to play around with. I’ve been pottering around in the garden. I have a little pop-up greenhouse, which was gifted to me by @growyourown after I showed my green-fingered side during the summer months last year, but sadly I was a bit too late to start growing anything really substantial. This year, however, I have got ahead of myself, and I’ve started courgettes, tomatoes, cabbage, broccoli, lettuce and rocket. These are all things I absolutely love to eat myself. If this weather keeps up, I’ll be happy out here until the end of summer. Now all I need is a lovely glass of wine.
Mrs C x
#vegetables #growyourown #mrsclean
78,899 likes
kelly.winkler What an inspiration you are. I’ll be following suit once I get home from work.
wonderstuff I planted spuds first time this year. Can’t wait to see them in a few months. #thegreatoutdoors.
lucybest65 Doesn’t anyone else think it’s sad that this woman is all alone in her garden with only her plants to talk to?
F16kb3 Why are you always giving her a hard time? Just let the woman be.
lucybest65 I’m just pointing out that it’s not normal.
bornfree It’s perfectly normal to talk to your plants.
16
Now
I had finished college early and had come back to an empty house. I sat at the kitchen table, taking a well-earned rest from cleaning out the kitchen cupboards. I had surprised myself when I began the task willingly, as opposed to through compulsion. I got stuck in and settled into a flow and eventually found myself drifting off and thinking about other things. Things that weren’t the past; the
