The café was already starting to fill up, even though it was only nine thirty. Early-morning dog walkers and parents with tiny babies strapped to them and toddlers in tow. It wasn’t the ideal place with so much going on, and I felt my mouth go dry as I looked around at the amount of small children I was suddenly forced to share the vicinity with. But I did what I usually did and began to phase their chatter out. It was a finely tuned process, but with a little perseverance and concentration, I eventually succeeded. I began by making conversation with Will, asking him about his weekend so far, how he found out about this place, what his favourite brunch dish was until, finally, the sounds of the children were a murmur in the background.
When our coffees arrived, along with our pancakes, I sat back and sipped it gratefully.
‘Sorry for throwing your morning into disarray by turning up at such an ungodly hour.’
‘You’re forgiven. This place is lovely.’ I looked around at the décor of copper and distressed wood.
‘I think so. How’s your coffee?’ Will asked as I took another sip of my decaf with coconut milk latte. I didn’t feel confident to relay my preferred coffee style to Will just yet so I threw caution to the wind and ordered one from the menu. It had felt liberating.
‘Delicious,’ I said, feeling a sense of betrayal towards my local café. But now Heather had left, I really had no reason to visit there any more. Maybe this could become my local haunt? Maybe, just maybe, I could meet Will here from time to time. I knew he lived fairly close by.
We ate our pancakes in almost silence, occasionally making an appreciative noise. I surprised myself at how comfortable I felt eating next to him.
Will put his knife and fork next to one another in a neat line, and wiped his mouth with a napkin.
‘Fabulous. I’m officially a regular.’
‘It was great,’ I agreed.
Will cleared his throat, looked down at his lap and then up at me. Immediately, I sensed a question forming on his lips.
‘Regi.’ He cleared his throat again. ‘I hope you don’t mind me asking, and tell me to mind my own if you like, but I wanted to ask… I say ask… I had rather hoped you might share with me, any problems you are having at the moment, or maybe whatever it is that you are running away from. You see’ – he edged himself forwards in his chair – ‘I like you. Very much. But I can see there’s pain in your eyes. And I don’t mean this to sound wanky, so please receive it as sincerely as I mean it.’
I looked at Will for a moment, then tore my gaze away. My eyes prickled with tears, but I would not allow myself to cry. Even though I wanted to weep, knowing that he had truly seen me for who I was and he still wanted to date me.
‘I mean, listen, you don’t need to tell me anything today. I think what I am trying to say is that I would like to try, at least, to get closer to you, and I believe from past experiences – one that I am still dealing with, in fact, but which I hope will be wrapped up very soon – it’s best if two people, who seem to share an avid interest in… coffee and pancakes’ – he gestured to the table – ‘and who might like to get coffee and pancakes again, maybe one day might like to only get coffee and pancakes with one another and no one else.’
I couldn’t help but break into a small smile at that.
‘What I want to say is, I want you to know that if you like me as much as I like you, then, when you are ready, you can talk to me about anything you like. There are no judgements here.’ He held his hands up in surrender.
I looked down at my feet as I felt the emotional tears burning my nose and throat.
‘I’m here. Just… I want you to know that I’m not just looking for an easy catch, which, by the way, you most certainly are not. The next stop for me is forever.’
I looked up and my smile morphed into a laugh.
‘God, did I just say that?’ Will put his hand on his forehead.
‘You did.’
‘Oh hell, I just stepped over the line into official wankiness, didn’t I? I think I need to call Richard Curtis. I think I just nailed a line for his next blockbuster. My God, I’m so cheesy.’
‘I don’t mind a bit of cheese.’ I sniffed out a small laugh. It was probably what I needed more than I knew.
‘Good, cos I have been known to dish it out on occasion. Only when it’s necessary, mind.’
‘Like just then.’
‘Like just then.’
I sniffed out another nervous laugh and cleared my throat. ‘Right, I think it’s time to walk off those pancakes.’
That night in my room, I opened the window with the intention of only leaving it open a fraction all night. I stood and waited. I waited for the racing heart, the dry mouth and sweaty palms. Something that would urge me to feed the beast with repetitive locking and unlocking. But I lay down in my clean sheets and allowed a small breeze to come in through the window and wash over me.
When I woke early at around five the following morning to the lively chatter of birdsong. I looked to see the window was still open. I smiled to myself and fell back to sleep and dreamt of Will calling me by my real name.
26
Then
Just before Baby Boy turned six months old, I reminded D we hadn’t yet registered his birth. He spat out
