After Lottie had sent her text, they spent most of the walk in silence, Jay only speaking from time to time to make sure Lottie was OK as they only had one torch between them and his phone battery had died. After they reached Firholme, he let Lottie into his cottage, dismayed at the mess. Then, again, he hadn’t been expecting visitors. Trevor was delighted to have company and gave them a greeting of licks, barks and tail wagging, before settling down.
Jay shifted his guitar and several well-chewed dog toys from the sofa and swept up a pile of forestry magazines from the chair. ‘Sorry. I’m not used to entertaining.’
‘Don’t worry.’ She sat on the sofa, with a look of amusement.
‘Trevor’s shedding a bit. I should vacuum more often,’ he said, seeing dog hair clinging to Lottie’s jeans. He felt agitated and restless.
She laughed. ‘It’s fine.’ Trevor lay at her feet with a drool-covered chew between his paws.
Jay took the armchair opposite her. ‘He likes you,’ he said. ‘Sorry, there’s dog hair on your jeans.’
‘Don’t worry. I like dogs.’ She smiled at Trevor. ‘Why don’t you tell me about this business with Ben?’
He looked at her, his tongue frozen for a moment. There was no easy way to say what had happened, or to explain the level of hurt and betrayal he still felt, but he had to tell someone. He took a breath.
‘The reason Ben and I don’t get on is because he got my partner pregnant and let me believe I was the father.’
‘Oh my God. That’s awful!’
‘It was a one-night stand, they said at the time, but I’ve since found out they’d been having an affair for a while. It was while I’d been on a training course in Scotland for a couple of weeks. When I got back, I had flu after working out in the cold and I was wiped out for another fortnight.’
‘Well, at first, I thought the baby had been conceived before I went away. Nadia told me it was due at the end of the summer. She’d been nervous and stressed, but I put that down to the shock of learning she was going to be a parent. God knows, it was daunting enough for me but I was still ecstatic. Me, a father. It was incredible …’
Trevor had found his way next to Jay, and licked his fingers. Maybe the dog could sense he was upset. Lottie didn’t say anything, just waited for him to go on. She was a good listener … maybe too good, thought Jay, realising that he was pouring out his woes against all his resolve to keep his past quiet.
Too late now.
‘Turns out it really was unbelievable because at the six-week scan, the nurse told us the baby was actually ten weeks,’ he said. ‘Nadia had been twitchy for days before, trying to persuade me I didn’t need to come with her. Saying it was so close to Christmas and wasn’t I busy at work. Now I know why. She burst into tears after the nurse told us how many weeks the baby was. I didn’t realise what the dates meant straightaway but when she started sobbing her heart out, I worked it out. She couldn’t hide the truth then, and blurted it out right there in front of the nurse.’
‘That must have been a terrible shock.’
‘You could say that. It took my breath away. The nurse made a quick exit, saying “we must need time together”. I just lost it. I didn’t shout or swear; I just walked out. I felt humiliated, and grief-stricken. It wasn’t my baby. That life I thought we’d made together. It wasn’t anything to do with me. Jeez, I’d already painted the nursery, started reading the parenting books … all the clichés.’ He shook his head. ‘I feel such a fool.’
She leaned forward. ‘Why? For being excited about being a father? That’s completely understandable. I can understand that …’ Her words tapered off as if she’d said too much. Jay wondered if her eyes were suspiciously bright. ‘You must have felt your world had fallen apart,’ she said finally.
‘I did, but what followed was probably worse. It also split our family. Mum and Dad were so upset, they wouldn’t even speak to Ben at first but when the baby came, they naturally wanted to see their grandson. I can’t blame them for that. The problem is they’ve now shifted their view and want me to be reconciled with Ben, and for me to forgive and forget, but I can never do that.’
‘You must be so hurt. It must have been awful to see your family torn apart like that.’
‘It was. It still is, but I can’t get past it. I see my mum and dad but I refuse to go to any family occasion that Ben’s at too, which makes things awkward.’
‘No wonder you’re dreading Christmas. It’s easy to think everyone’s having an amazing time, surrounded by all the family. The truth is that almost everyone is struggling with something: bad memories, the tensions simmering. Disappointment.’
‘You sound as if you know what I mean.’ Jay snapped out of his woes. Here he was, bemoaning his situation and Lottie had been through even worse. ‘Last year must have been so difficult for you,’ he said.
‘It was. We were doing our best to be cheerful for the twins and they had no idea how serious Steph’s condition was. Underneath it all, everyone was terrified of losing her. Not just me but my parents. Mum went down with a bad chest infection with all the stress and had to keep away. My dad had a scare with his heart and of course, we didn’t dare tell Steph.’
‘Leaving you to shoulder the burden.’ He focused on her face: the delicate bone structure, the keen blue eyes and the determination behind them.
