Knowing the truth once and for all didn’t make me feel any better. It felt like I was standing in that damn parking lot confronting Holden all over again. His anguish and anger plain as day, his hatred surrounding me when he told me to go find Paul. And now I knew why.
“Momma?”
I blinked and looked at Faith through watery eyes.
“Yeah, sweets?”
“Why are you crying?”
Shit, goddamn, shit.
I could lie and say I had a headache but I feared that would land me another day in the hospital. The truth wasn’t an option.
“Sometimes, doll, after something really scary happens and after you know everything’s okay, all the emotions you were hiding come out,” Holden explained.
“Why would you hide them?”
“Because sometimes hiding is the only thing that gives you strength.”
My eyes drifted closed and I wondered who Holden was speaking to—me or Faith?
He certainly hid a lot from me.
“Yesterday, your mom had to be strong for you even though she was scared and hurt. All she was thinking about was you. Now, she sees you’re safe and all those feelings she was hiding are coming out.”
“But she didn’t need to be strong. She sent you.”
“She was still scared for you, darlin’. That’s what moms do. They worry. Now you’re home safe and sound and she’s so happy and relieved all those emotions are coming out.”
I wished with all my might that was why I was crying. Not that I wasn’t happy and relieved my daughter was home, but I hadn’t begun to process everything that had happened. I would do that when I was home in my bed with Faith tucked next to me. I’d finally give in to my fear and anxiety when no one could witness my breakdown.
The bed jostled and I opened my eyes to find Faith climbing up.
“It’s okay, Mom.”
I slowly exhaled and gathered my daughter in my arms, feeling guilty she was the one consoling me.
“You’re right, everything is just fine. We’re gonna be okay.”
And one way or another I would make that so. We’d be okay. Together, we’d get through the aftereffects of what the Towlers had done. Together, we’d move on. We always did.
Holden stood and jerked his chin toward the door. Nixon moved in that direction, but before Holden could take two steps, Faith sat up.
“Where are you going?” The panic in her voice couldn’t be missed nor could the way Holden’s body went rigid.
“I’m gonna step out into the hallway with Nixon,” he told her.
“No. You can’t leave.”
I sat frozen and watched as Holden loosened his muscles and softened his features. Everything about him transformed before my eyes.
“Last night I promised you I wasn’t leaving. I keep my promises. I’m not going far. I need to talk to Nixon in the hall but I’ll be right outside the door. No one will come in here and I’ll be right back in.”
Liar, liar, pants on fucking fire. Holden did not keep his promises. He broke them without explanation.
Faith nodded and laid back down, tucking herself in the crook of my arm with her face turned toward the door.
Damn him.
He had no right to make promises to my daughter.
“Be back, Leigh-Leigh.”
I bit back the request I felt like I’d made a million times for him to stop calling me that dumb nickname and remained silent. The jerk smiled and shook his head as if he found me amusing.
As soon as I was out of this hospital bed, I was letting him have it. Then we’d see how amusing he found me when I told him to go fuck himself.
The door closed behind the men and Micky made a strangled sound. Her eyes went wide as saucers when she said, “Uh-oh. I know that look.”
There was nothing I could say in reply with Faith in the room. And even if my daughter wasn’t present I still wouldn’t have said anything to McKenna. She was Nixon’s wife. Holden’s friend. She probably wouldn’t like hearing what I had to say about the big jerk.
“Can I ask you a favor?” Micky murmured.
My heart sank. After all that she and the others had done for me and Faith, I would do anything she requested.
“Anything.”
“Go easy on him.”
Anything except that.
“You don’t know what you’re asking.”
“I do and I don’t. I know him. I know he’s a good man. A good friend. I also know he’s in pain. He has been since I met him. He covers it up with a smile, but it’s there just under the surface. I see it when he looks at me and Nix, or Jameson and Kennedy, or Weston and Silver, or Chasin and Evie. But I see it most when he watches Alec with Rory, Joss, and Caleb. And I see how he looks at Holly and Dylan. I don’t know the whole story and I’m sure he’s the one at fault. So, I know I’m asking a lot, but please—go easy.”
“Who’s in pain, Mom?”
If there was ever a time I needed a black hole to open up and swallow me, it was now. I didn’t want to think about why Holden watched Alec with his children. Or what McKenna meant about how Holden looked at her daughter or Weston’s son. I didn’t want to know he was in pain or figure out why that was. I had to get over him and move on.
“Holden,” I answered.
“Why is he in pain? Did he get hurt?”
That was a loaded question I wouldn’t answer.
“I don’t know, honey.”
McKenna’s gentle smile was meant to be reassuring but it did nothing but confuse me. My feelings for Holden were complicated. I knew I would love him for the rest of my life but everything about us was muddy and tarnished. Our love had been stained by betrayal. First, Holden leaving me, then my night with Paul.
There was no fixing it. Once a mirror was broken,
