“I’m here, Leigh-Leigh, standing in front of you telling you I never stopped loving you.”
“So?”
Holden’s eyes widened before they hardened. “So?”
“Yeah, Holden, so what you never stopped loving me, what does that matter? Nothing has changed. You still can’t have kids.” I threw my hands up in frustration. “Just because you’re admitting it doesn’t mean shit. How long before you leave me again? Only this time, I have Faith to consider. You’re still not willing to fight for us.”
“I sure as fuck am,” he growled.
Please, he could save his caveman grunting for someone who gave a shit.
“Bullshit. I just watched you shut down. You’re ready to give up and walk away because I pointed out you still can’t have kids. That’s not fighting, Holden, that’s being a—”
I didn’t get to finish my sentence because Holden was in my space, walking me backward until my butt hit the counter. Then his hands went around my waist and he lifted me off my feet and plopped me down on the granite surface. Holden wasted no time spreading my legs and stepping between my thighs.
This was something I’d forgotten about him, how unbelievably annoying it was that when we were arguing about something he wanted to be in my space. Not in a threatening manner. In a way where all there was to focus on was my face.
“That’s me wanting you to have your heart’s desire. I’ll give it to you, I was selfish. I did leave you because I was insecure. But I didn’t want you to have to go through the possible heartbreak of adoption. I didn’t want you to get a baby and have it taken away from you. I didn’t want you to have to go through doctors’ appointments and disappointments.”
“Liar. You didn’t want to go through the possible disappointments. You didn’t want to take the chance of us getting a baby and having it taken back. Don’t blame me.”
Holden’s body went statue-still before it started to vibrate. His face contorted and I jolted when the scariest, nastiest, most chilling sound rumbled from his chest and out of his throat. The noise didn’t sound human, he wasn’t forming words, it was animalistic and painful to hear. But that wasn’t what tore my heart in half. It was the big, fat tears that leaked from the corner of his eyes. I sat frozen in horror as they rolled down his face in rivers.
“Honey,” I whispered and lifted my hands, but before I could reach his face to wipe away the tears, he caught my hands, trapping them between us.
“I couldn’t do it.” He licked his lips and waited for my gaze to lift before he continued. “I couldn’t do it, Leigh-Leigh. I wanted a family with you so badly I knew I would break if we’d adopted and the birth mother changed her mind and took our baby from us. I read so many books on adoption and that’s the first thing the experts warn about. It’s a possibility. I couldn’t see you with our child then have it taken away from us. I wanted Faith. I didn’t care she was Paul’s. I wanted to lie and pretend she was mine. But I knew if Paul asked for a DNA test she’d be taken from me. But the God’s honest truth is, I would give anything if she was ours. I want her to be ours so fucking badly.” Holden’s voice hitched and I swallowed down the lump in my throat. “I’m gonna fight for us, baby, but Faith’s it. There’ll be no more kids. That part hasn’t changed.”
I had waited so long to hear him tell me he was going to fight that my first instinct was to give in and tell him all was forgiven. Only I couldn’t.
“What’s changed?”
“Faith.”
“What?” I tried to pull back but Holden dropped his forehead to mine.
A sure sign I wasn’t going to like what he had to say because he didn’t want to look me in the eyes while he said it.
“I couldn’t face her. Fuck, Leigh-Leigh, I didn’t blame her, but seeing her was a knife to the gut. She represents all that I want. Everything I wanted for us. I couldn’t look at her without feeling sorry for myself. Then I’d feel overwhelming guilt because she’s innocent in all of this. The circle was unending. I wanted to fight for us, for you, hell, for her, but I couldn’t even be in the same room without…fuck.” The words sounded tortured as Holden spoke.
He was talking about my daughter. My child. And as much as I didn’t want to understand because she was mine, I did. I could put myself in his shoes. If the roles were reversed and he’d had a baby with another woman, I wouldn’t be able to be around that child. I could lie to myself and say I was better than that and a good, decent person wouldn’t feel that way, but that would be bullshit. I’d avoid Holden and his child. I’d do whatever I could to never see them together. The pain would be unbearable.
Some of the anger waned as the heart-wrenching pain crept back in.
Would I ever feel whole again?
“Faith hasn’t changed, Holden.”
“No. But I have. She’s not mine but she’s yours. She’s a part of you. I want to get to know her better. I can’t walk away from you again. I physically cannot do it. It’s always been you for me—always Leigh-Leigh. And I know I’m it for you. If I wasn’t, you would’ve moved on. You would’ve picked up the pieces I broke, dusted yourself off, and found someone. I know you, that’s the kind of woman you are. You’re strong and resilient. You wouldn’t have waited all these years for me if you didn’t love me in a way that will never die. We have to try to make this right.”
Music
