“I’m sorry, Holden, but I can’t.”
“Baby,” he rasped.
God, the pleading in his voice was going to kill me.
“I get it—all of it. I understand why you avoid us and it pains me to say, I would’ve done the same thing. Seeing you with someone else’s child would kill me. But, I have to think about Faith. She’s already attached to you. It will only get worse the longer she’s around you. I can’t chance her well-being, Holden. I know the pain of you leaving better than anyone. I know what it feels like to have you, then have nothing. I don’t want that for her.”
“I’m not going anywhere. Didn’t you hear me? I said I can’t walk away. I’ve missed you so damn much, I ache. You’re all I’ve thought about. Leigh-Leigh, please give us a chance.”
“I heard you say you wanted to try. That’s not good enough. Trying means testing the waters. Trying means there’s a possibility you walk when you realize Faith is still Faith. She’s a part of me but she’s always a part of Paul, too. One day, that will crash over you and we’ll be right back where we were, you not being able to look at her. And, Holden, I love you with every cell in my body. I love you so damn much. But I love my daughter more. She comes first.”
I felt Holden’s swift inhale and his body between my legs had once again gone solid.
“I don’t need that knowledge to crash over me. There’s not a day that’s gone by that I haven’t remembered who her prick of a father is.”
“And that right there is why this is not ever going to work. You can’t even say his name without venom.”
“Damn right, I can’t. The asshole preyed on my woman. Waited until the right moment to take advantage of her. Then he screwed her over. He had you in his bed and he stuck his dick in any barfly that would look at him. Unforgivable. He was a disgrace to the uniform he wore and the gold pin on his chest. He knew nothing about honor, commitment, or brotherhood. He was a spineless, selfish asshole.”
Nothing I could say would make Holden understand that I didn’t care Paul was out getting laid. I was his wife on paper and nothing else. I wasn’t sleeping with him. I didn’t love him. We were barely friends. My marriage was a sham from start to finish. Something I allowed my parents to talk me into because I was scared and weak. I didn’t care what others thought of me, I certainly didn’t care what my parents’ country club friends thought. But I did care about the child growing in my belly. Back then I was a young, freaked out, scared girl. I hadn’t been thinking straight. I thought marrying Paul was the best thing to do. If I was in the same situation today, I would’ve gone at it alone. I wouldn’t think twice about raising my baby by myself.
Being the man that he was, Holden would never fathom why a man would cheat on his wife. Even if the marriage was a farce.
“Here’s what you don’t get—Paul might’ve been all of that and more, but Faith will never know those things. To her, he will always be the hero who died in combat before she was born. To her, he will always be the man who was excited to become a father and a man who loved the mere thought of her being born. That is what she’ll know of him. That is all I can give her and she’s damn well getting it. She asks questions, Holden, and how are you going to answer them when you can’t keep the disdain out of your voice or the hatred off your face? What happens when she asks me to look at pictures of him? How will you react to that? I wish things had been different for us. My biggest regret is not barring the door so you couldn’t walk out. I should’ve fought you and made you stay until you told me what was wrong. If I could go back I would, and, Holden, that’s saying something because you leaving me gave me my daughter. But I still think about it—where would we be right now if I’d fought? This can’t work.”
Holden pulled back and his angry brown eyes held me hostage. God, he was so beautiful. Mad, playful, happy—he was so good-looking it hurt to look at him. Of course, when he was mine it didn’t hurt; I could and did spend a lot of time staring at him.
“I don’t know where we would’ve been. But I do know where we’re going. Fair warning, baby, I’m fighting.”
“Holden—”
“Strap in, baby, and armor up, because we’re going into battle.”
“Wait—”
“No more waiting. No more lying. No more pretending. No more living in hell. Fight with me, Leigh-Leigh. Fight and bleed for what is meant to be ours. No more regrets.”
“Please—”
Holden shook his head and stepped back.
“I’m gonna win,” he said authoritatively and walked away.
I didn’t call out his name. I didn’t jump off the counter to chase him down and make him see reason. No, I sat frozen with a stupid smile on my face and fear in my belly.
20
“You have to go, sweets.”
Charleigh’s voice drifted up the stairs as Holden walked out of the bedroom he’d slept in last night. Actually, he hadn’t slept. He’d tossed and turned. Plotted and planned until the sun came up, then he’d showered in the en suite bathroom, the whole time wishing Charleigh was with him in the lavish, marble shower big enough for two. Part of that wishing was fantasizing about how dirty he wanted to get her before he soaped up every inch of her lush body.
Leigh-Leigh
