"I haven't grieved for my husband Annie,"she looked up at the woman to see whether she might be judging her.What she saw was a woman with no condemnation, "and I know Ishould."
"Well hon, sometimes people reactdifferently."
Kate picked up a handful of beans andinspected them, finding it easier to talk without looking directlyat her. "You see, at first, I'll admit I was in shock, but that'sworn off and I still can't grieve. I feel guilty about it." Kateadmitted. "There's just nothing inside me."
Annie stared into her eyes for a moment."You didn't get along with him either, did you?"
"Either?" she questioned her head rearing toglance at her.
"He was a difficult man to like, Kate. Youmust know that."
Kate's face reddened. "Now that I've thoughton it, a while, I think I didn't love him. Am I shameful for sayingsuch a thing?"
Annie moved restlessly in her chair. "Yourhusband was a bit hard to get to know."
"Yes, but I thought I knew him pretty wellwhen I married him. I'd known him quite a while."
"I see." Annie weighed her words. "Well, goon."
"But I didn't know him, Annie. I know thatnow. I feel bad that I can't grieve for him." Kate admitted. "I'mnot a bad person, but I should have cared more for him. After all,for five years he came to see about me."
"Well girl, that's the way some marriagesare, I think."
"But it isn't right. I should never havemarried him." Kate shook her head.
Annie sat back in the chair and looked ather, shaking her head. "I don't know girl. Perhaps it is good youdid."
"What do you mean?" Kate's head jerked upand she stared at Annie now.
"Did you learn anything from thismarriage?"
Kate continued to stare, "I suppose I did.But what I learned was that I never loved him."
"Did he love you?"
"I don't think so."
"I can understand why you married him, butwhy did he marry you then? I mean, knowing you that long and thenfinally marrying you." Annie asked. "Did he want children orsomething?"
"We never talked about children." Kate wassilent for a moment, as though thinking about her question. "Hewanted to get away from his folks farm. He had worked it so long,and it was beautiful too. One of the reasons I admired him so. Hewas such a worker. But I sensed he wanted to strike out on his own.He never got a dime out of that land. And he's the one that workedit. His brothers and father didn't help him much. He was the onethat made that farm what it was, and they all knew it. But it'sfunny, we weren't here long and suddenly he seemed bitter that hewas with me and not back home on his farm. He wanted to get awayfrom them all, and yet, he didn't."
"I see. But why did he marry you?Wasn't he a bit older than you?"
Kate hung her head, "Yes, he was ten yearsolder than me. I've come to some conclusions about that too." Shesaid as a fog seemed to lift the confusion of her emotions. "Theydidn't want him to marry and move away. I was a threat and didn'trealize it. By marrying me, it gave him an excuse to leave hisfamily farm and strike out on his own. It was an escape for him.And yet I'm not sure he really wanted that escape. He missedworking his family's place, he missed his family. But he wasn'tdumb, he knew they used him like a mule. I couldn't blame him."
"And why on earth didn't they like you?"Annie asked.
"Because he'd built such a beautiful place,they thought themselves better. I took him away from the farm, notintentionally. I didn't want to move away. He did. When he wasn'tthere, the others had to work harder, and they didn't like that.They depended on him so much."
"And did you depend on him too?"
"Yes!" Kate admitted with tears in her eyes.Her cheeks flushed, as her mind reeled with memories. "After myfolks died, he was practically the only one that came around me. Icome to depend on that."
"Then that's why you don't mourn him. Youdidn't marry for the right reasons."
"Can it be as simple as that?" Kateasked.
"Obviously."
"Maybe you're right." Kate lifted her headand nodded.
"When you marry, it should be for onereason."
"And what is that?"
"Love." Annie looked at her strangely asthough she should have known that. "A marriage without love, is nota marriage at all my dear. Marriage is sometimes very hard to copewith even with the best intentions and the best people. There areso many ups and downs in a marriage, without love, there can be notrue happiness."
"How do you know when you are truly in love?I mean, I guess it hasn't happened. But how do you reallyknow."
Annie smiled now and reached for her hand."Oh, it's pretty easy. You miss them when they are gone. You swoonwhen they kiss you. You'll listen gladly to their rantings becauseyou want to share everything. It's a deep-down kind of thing, youwant to be with them all the time. You want them to kiss you allthe time. You want to make love. You have all these bodily feelingsinside you."
"I had a lot of hopes and dreams. But Annie,you don't understand."
"Then tell me about it. I'm a woman, and I'dlike to help you sort this out."
"I was happy to marry him. I began to thinkmy life would change for the better, being with Jim. He was a goodfarmer. That is until we married. But on our wedding night, Jimtook me, rather harshly. And I never let him touch me again. Andall my hopes and dreams went out the window about marriage."
Annie frowned, "Took you? That's a mightystrong word Kate."
Kate's face burned now with embarrassment."He just jumped on me, tore my clothes off and took me. He didn'tkiss me or make me want him. And he hurt me so bad, I swore I'dnever let another man touch me. I know I was rather naïve. I didn'tknow much about making love. I'll admit that.
