Annie was quiet a long time. Kate could seeher thinking of what she'd just said. Perhaps she said toomuch.
"He scared me!" Kate cried.
"I don't know what to say." Annie shook herhead. "I've heard about such, but I just wasn't expecting somethinglike this. I could tell there was strain between you the few timesI saw you together, but I had no idea that was the problem." Annieshook her head and reached for her hand. "Some husbands are rougherthan others. Did he do anything to encourage you to make love?"
"Like what?"
"Give you flowers, hold your hand, kiss youon the cheek, anything to prepare you"
"No, he was drunk, and I didn't want to doit with him like that. I'd never seen him drunk. That scared metoo."
Annie's mouth flew open, "Did he apologizethe next day?"
"No, he said he wouldn't be touching meagain. And he didn't. He said I didn't know anything about sex ormaking love and he didn't want me. And I didn't want him either. Soyou see, that's why he went to the saloons to get what he wanted. Iwas glad, as I didn't want him to touch me like that again. He'dalways had saloon girls and I guess they are different somehow. Butwhen he ripped my clothes and threw me on the bed, and held methere, I felt attacked. Am I wrong? Was it me? I admit being naïveabout it, but I just expected so much more."
Annie was silent, her finger running overthe top of her cup for a moment. When she was silent too long Katecried and reached for her hand.
"I need to know. Was it me Annie? Did I dowrong by shutting him out? I need to know the truth. I bled forthree days and I was so sore I could hardly walk. I don't even knowif that's normal. And I was too ashamed to go see a doctor aboutit. I thought it would be different. Now that I look back on it, Ican't help but wonder if it was all my fault? Maybe it was justbecause I didn't know what to expect. And he scared me."
Annie sighed heavily and shook her head. "Nodarlin' it's not all your fault. You were naïve, obviously, andinnocent and terrified at his actions. I'm just sorry you didn'thave anyone to come talk to then. Your only fault was marrying him.When a man and a woman come together, it should be beautiful.Making love is the most beautiful gift between a man and a woman.They should want each other equally as much. The man should, if thewife is an innocent, be gentle and caring. It should be a verypleasant thing, not ugly. But obviously he didn't love youeither."
"After that night, I was sure he didn't loveme." Kate said quietly now.
She sniffed back her tears. "It was my faultnot knowing what to expect, and for expecting too much."
"Honey, a good marriage is based on mutuallove, that's the key. If neither cares for the other, it isn't amarriage at all. And from what you've told me, he did rapeyou."
"I married him because I was so lonely, andhe seemed to care about me."
After a long while Annie got up and put thecups on the counter. "Well, look at it this way, next time you'llknow what to look for."
"And what is that?" Kate askedinnocently.
Annie smiled gently at her.
"That special feeling between the two ofyou. First you gotta look for a God-fearing man. Then watch how hetreats you. Now don't go feeling because you don't agree oneverything that it is all wrong. That can be deceiving. But yourguts will tell you more than anything. Is he tender? Is hethoughtful? Does he make your heart hammer when he looks at you?Does he do things to please you, on purpose? Do you feel anexcitement when he is around you? Look for those things. You shouldwant to kiss and make love, even before you marry them."
"Do other people ever marry just out ofneed?" Kate asked.
"Yes, but sometimes those marriages don'twork."
"How do I know when I'm in love?" Kate askedscoffing at her ignorance. "I mean for sure."
"Oh honey," Annie turned to look at heragain. "You'll know."
"I feel so ignorant. I mean, I shouldn'thave to ask others about this. But my mother died early on, and myfather he wouldn’t talk of such things. When Jim watched over me, Ithought it was because he liked me. I'd been so lonely all thoseyears after my folks passed."
"And he probably did like you. Men do likewomen; doesn't mean they love them. Sure you should ask others. Allyoung women need advice, and direction. No one is born knowingeverything. Age and experience is all it takes. But you are stillvery young."
"Do you still feel those things for yourhusband?"
"Oh yes, yes I do." Annie chuckled.
"How long you been married?"
"Twenty years." Annie bragged happily.
"Twenty years? And you still feel giddy whenhe holds your hand?" Kate chuckled.
"Absolutely. I miss him right now."
"Must be wonderful." Kate sighed.
Funny, but she missed Wes too! And that kissthey shared was still in her mind and heart. But if she let herselflove him, he'd leave her and then where would she be?
Chapter Twelve
Dickens improved, and the doc finally toldhim he could move around. So he joined the women in the kitchen.Annie would find little things he could help out with and Dickensdid her small chores with glee.
He didn't talk much about Bubba, but theycould see the sadness in him.
As they sat around the table one-night Kategot an idea. "Mr. Dickens, why don't you come and stay at my placeuntil your fit enough to work at least."
"But Kate, I gotta get back to my hogs." Mr.Dickens told her.
"Maybe we could bring them over to my placeand you could tend them there." Kate suggested.
Mr. Dickens stared at her and broke out in aslight smile. "That's right nice of you to offer."
"Will you consider it then?" Kate asked.
"Well, I reckon it is going
