Risky Rockstar: A Hero Club Novel

she continues. “When I was on tour, you and I got closer, and it gave me a false sense of security. It was safe for me to flirt with you because you were six thousand miles away from me, so there were no real expectations and no possible way I could fail.” She looks down at our intertwined fingers and starts to pull away, but I tighten my grip, letting her know it’s okay. Slowly, she begins to relax. “During those six months, I thought I had it all figured out. I thought the confident, self-assured Hayley was who I was. That night after the book signing, things were so spontaneous, I didn’t have time to think about anything, and of course, before I could start overthinking, we got interrupted. I was so sure things could happen between us, but the closer I got to you, the more was at risk. The idea that you would see me the way Ethan did was too much to bear. I wouldn’t be able to take it if you saw me as defective. I couldn’t stand for you to see me as a failure.”

Her eyes glisten, and she takes a long drink of her wine.

Fuck, everything that she’s saying is so wrong. She has to see that she could never be a failure. I flounder for the words to tell her that couldn’t possibly happen, but she forges on, purging everything in a long rush. “I thought I could recover everything on your birthday. I figured if I relinquished my control, I would be able to get out of my head and come for you. Which is what the handcuffs and…” She waves her hand, no doubt not wanting to bring the flogger up. “Other stuff was for…” She smiles and it kicks me in the gut. “But we know what happened with that.”

“Hayley, I need to explain.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Yes, I do. Please let me explain.”

She nods and sets her wineglass down. I don’t let go of her hand. “That night at the Falls, I knew something wasn’t right. But I was so wrapped up in how fucking good you felt that I missed the cues until it was too late. I hoped we could talk about it before my birthday, but it didn’t work out, and when I walked in the room to talk to you, well…things were already too deep.”

Hayley blushes and looks so ashamed, and I want to bite my fucking tongue off. “It wasn’t you, I swear it wasn’t you. You were lying on the bed looking so fucking beautiful, but all I could think about was how you told me handcuffs were a hard limit, and it was like it was all happening again…”

My jaw clamps shut to keep what I was about to say in. She looks confused, and I don’t blame her. She doesn’t know everything about the night Emily tried to commit suicide, and I’m about to blindside her with it. She deserves to know everything, but how the fuck can I explain it?

I shake my head. “Fuck, this isn’t coming out the way I want it to.”

She squeezes my hand. “That’s okay, take your time.”

“Hayley, this isn’t pretty.”

Another gentle squeeze. “It’s really okay. I promise.”

Taking a deep breath, I swallow the rest of my wine, feeling like I’m about to step off a cliff.

“When we hit it big, I used to bring a girl onstage with me every night. I’d dance with her and let her kiss me on the cheek. Emily and I were high school sweethearts, and she’d been with me when we were playing bowling alleys and street corners. So she was there when I started bringing the girls onstage. She knew how important it was for me to give back to the fans, and so I never had a clue she was jealous and it was tearing her up. All those fucking times I was up there trying to make a fan’s night I was shredding Emily. She couldn’t handle it—started to believe the panties and fan mail and all the shit that comes with this role was what I wanted. She believed she wasn’t enough for me anymore.” My stomach burns at the memory. “Can you imagine how that must’ve felt?”

Hayley scoots a bit closer and places her other hand on my knee, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

“One night on the way back from a show, she started acting out in the car. Doing things completely out of character because she thought that’s what I wanted. It fucking killed me seeing her that way. Knowing she felt the need to measure up to the fans who threw themselves at me and sent me naked pics in the mail. We got home and I put her in a bath. I even brought her a glass of wine.” I swallow the bile trying to creep up my throat, memories of that night threatening to overpower me. “She slit her wrists with the broken wineglass. The glass I gave her. The paramedics came and I got her to hospital, but she wouldn’t see me. I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. I had a plan. I wouldn’t bring the girls onstage anymore. Keller could handle the mail. But I never got to tell her.”

Regret sweeps over Hayley’s face. “Oh shit, I’m so sorry, Kade. I can’t even imagine how terrible that had to be for you.” She rubs her chest. “I did that to you too. I wouldn’t let you explain. I’m so sorry. I was just so embarrassed, I couldn’t face you. Walking into the shower and seeing what you were doing…” Her feet shuffle. “Seeing you…” The catch in her voice spears me. “…and hearing Ethan’s voice in my head. I just couldn’t face you.”

“Ethan is a fucking idiot, and someone should cut his fucking tongue out of his mouth, but it makes me sick to think about what must’ve gone through your mind when you saw me jacking