The baby’s fuss becomes a cry. I want to take her from Rose, but she walks away from me, to the window.
‘What is it?’ I ask when she remains silent. ‘Rose?’
‘I wasn’t going to tell you until after I took Alice home.’ Rose’s back is still to me as she looks out the window. ‘But . . . as it turns out, Owen wasn’t coping so well with the idea of raising another man’s child. After giving it a lot of thought, he’s decided he can’t do it. He’s staying in London indefinitely.’
I stare at her back.
Rose turns around. ‘I know how important it is to you that this baby is raised in a two-parent family. But it wasn’t meant to be.’ She comes to the side of my bed and puts a hand over mine. ‘Look, you’ve had a big twenty-four hours. What you need right now is sleep. I’ll get the nurse to get you some more painkillers. Everything will make sense later.’
I have my doubts about that. My baby might be raised by a sister I’m not sure I trust. With no husband and no money. At the same time, I can’t bear to think about any of this anymore. So when the nurse returns a few minutes later with the formula and some more medication for me, I swallow it down and go back to sleep.
I sleep. Late-afternoon, Rose heads home for a shower and to change her clothes and I am left alone with the baby, who is tucked up close next to my bed, wrapped snugly in her pink blanket. It’s astonishing how easy it is to while away the time just staring at her, marvelling at her tiny eyelashes and squashed up chin and wisps of black hair falling out the sides of her knitted hat. I must do it for hours before my eye is drawn to a woman standing just outside my door, talking to one of my nurses.
‘Her sister has advised that now would be a good time,’ the woman is saying. She appears to be in her late thirties or early forties, and she smiles when she catches my eye. ‘Ah, Fern,’ she says, taking a few steps into my room. ‘You’re awake.’
‘Who are you?’
‘My name is Naomi Davison. I’m an adoption counsellor. I’ve been speaking with your sister, Rose, and I wondered if now would be an okay time to have a chat with you? I promise I won’t take long.’
The nurse remains beside the woman. I get the feeling that if I give some indication that I’m not interested, she will be whisked away. But I am curious.
‘All right.’
She drags a chair up to the bed, and glances briefly into the baby’s crib before sitting and pulling some paperwork out of a leather satchel. ‘As I said, I’m an adoption counsellor. As you may or may not know, it’s mandatory in Victoria for birth mothers considering adoption to have counselling prior to relinquishing their parental rights.’
Naomi places a stack of documents and pamphlets on the tray table in front of me.
‘My services are free of charge to both yourself and the intended adoptive parents. My role today is to ensure that you understand all your options, not just adoption. Okay?’
‘Okay?’ I mimic her tone.
‘I understand that you have been considering intra-family adoption,’ she says.
My blank face must convey confusion because she goes on. ‘Intra-family adoption is the adoption of a child by a step-parent or relative.’
She looks up. I hesitate, then at a loss, nod.
‘Okay. Well, we can talk about that in a moment, but first I want to talk to you about your other options.’
It’s the first I have heard about other options. But Naomi informs me I have several. Placing the baby in temporary foster care. Shared care. Open adoption – where the child is aware of their adoption and knows who his or her birth parents are (this has been found to be the most beneficial to the child) – and closed adoption, where the child doesn’t know its true parentage. She talks about the permanence of adoption; how once a child has been adopted, the adoptive parent will continue to be the child’s legal guardian even in the event of a marriage breakdown or divorce. There is also the option of raising the baby myself. It’s a lot of information. A lot of options I didn’t know I had.
‘If you decide to proceed with intra-family adoption, you will be required to sign papers relinquishing your parental rights. After signing these papers, you will have thirty days to submit a signed revocation, should you change your mind. After this time, you will be unable to change your mind. In order to make the adoption official, we require the signature of both biological parents except in such circumstance where the father isn’t known, which I understand is the case here?’
This time she doesn’t wait for a nod, and I’m glad.
‘As a registered adoption counsellor, I can witness you signing consent documents. Your sister has already signed this one. If you feel ready, you can sign it today. If not, you can take as long as you need, and then give me a call, and I will come back.’
I look at the document with Rose’s signature at the bottom, and my mind swims.
The problem, I realise, is that there are two Roses. The Rose I rely on, and the other Rose. The Rose who hated Mum. The Rose who goes behind my back to speak to Wally. The Rose who would possibly betray me to get the baby she wants so badly.
I don’t know which Rose I’m getting. I don’t know which Rose my baby would get.
‘If it’s all right with you,’ I say, ‘I’d like you to come back.’
JOURNAL OF ROSE INGRID CASTLE
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