Alone.
Maybe Em had taken that happy family and the true love portion of my life to the grave with her. It was only now, fifteen years later, that I finally caught on.
But at least I caught on.
Shannon would land on her feet, because that’s what she deserves. It wouldn’t be useful to be bitter about it. That never was her intention. We both got caught up in that fantasy and were equally at fault. I didn’t want to expend the energy blaming her, because it wasn’t true.
As my driver pulled up to the Bachelor Towers, I handled my own bags, stopped by to pick up a Midnight in Manhattan from Ollie and went right to my floor without answering any questions.
The sterile place felt like a shiny gilded cage as I walked in all alone once more. I had to get more paintings on the wall, some color in there.
I removed my tie, brought my drink into the bedroom, exhausted and began to get ready for bed early. The sun was still up.
In the shower, I thought about Shannon. As I tucked myself into the sheets naked, I thought about Shannon.
Yeah, I had been bitten by the snake of love, just like the sultan had advised. A tiny regret tugged at my heart. It was unfair, but it was definitely there. I’d looked forward to bringing her back here, remembering our beautiful first night together. I wanted her in every part of my life. How in the world would I ever forget how I felt with her? Even as determined as I was, there would always be that hole, that place where I felt safe in her love.
I thought about all the lovely things we would have done in this bed, in this apartment, had looked forward to.
If she were here.
I fell asleep with a smile on my face.
Chapter 20
Shannon
I’d never called in sick before, but I did today. I needed a day of sleep, walks on the beach. I needed to face the reality of what I’d done, look inside my heart and try to figure out why it all went so wrong. Why did I think that not telling him would make things any easier later on? It was a stupid, foolish idea. It was important to get it settled in my own head first, then I’d meet the world and embrace the rest of my life.
But I did prove one thing. I devised a plan, executed it, and went for broke. And I nearly made it. Never again would I use a lie, even a white lie, as a coverup for being real. My choice was real. It was how I did it that doomed the mission. I should have told him that day when he said, “No more secrets, Shannon.” That would have been the perfect time.
So many of the wonderful qualities Marco had were complementary to my own. We made a good pair. I resigned myself to the fact that if there was one man I could run off with reckless abandon, there had to be another. I didn’t need five or six. Just one more. When the right time came along. I completely pushed out of my mind the worry that perhaps there would never be another. That there was only one man for me. That I’d met him, fallen in love with him honestly and with my full heart, without hesitation and that my methods were completely wrong. But I had to believe that one day, there would come another.
On Tuesday, I went back to work and told Jared that I wasn’t flying off to a pink palace in the Indian Ocean. He almost looked disappointed for me. If he studied my face any closer, he’d see my puffy eyes—the result from an all-day crying jag.
It had taken Marco several days before he called me again after our first encounter in Boston, but I didn’t expect he’d really call me this time, even though he said he would. I braced for that. Accepted it as the consequence of my actions. I respected his boundaries now, unlike before. I wasn’t going to delude myself or pick weeds in his garden because it wasn’t my garden.
But it sort of felt like making amends to show up as a volunteer at his center. It made me a better person, and I needed that. Nobody expected it, and I even asked permission, just to keep it clean. I intended on doing this in and around my work schedule, since I had no social life now.
I didn’t expect any resumption of our former relationship, so I concentrated on doing more meditation and stretching. I started eating less and drinking more water. I knew in time it would stop hurting so much. Time and the beach.
The beach heals everything. It was my favorite plaque on my wall. I would live by that motto every day, until I was whole again.
I even accepted Jared’s invitation to have a drink later in the week. I thought he was going to fall off his chair when I said yes.
I stopped by the project after work on Wednesday and helped Dax’s group make calls to donors from our curated list. I used my real name, since anonymity was what I was going for. I was just doing the pure work and not getting celebrity status out of it. It was the least I could do after creating such an upset.
Judie and I planned to go to the movies on the weekend. We both had a lot to catch up on together. She loved hearing about Marco and how he lived his life in the old days before either of us knew very much about him. We made up stories about what we’d do if we inherited hundreds of millions of dollars. And now
