But Julie shrugged. “Not really. Most of it is just figuring out the guides. If you can follow direction, you can figure it out,” she replied.
“My sense of direction must be off,” I told her.
She laughed, coming back to the bed. She sat down at the end, so I moved my feet to where she could be comfortable.
“Your direction isn't off, your motivation is,” she told me, and I narrowed my eyes.
“Motivation? I have to be motivated now?”
Julie smiled, nodding. “Anytime you really want to do something, you're motivated. If you don't really care about your school work, you're not going to be very motivated,” she replied.
“And you were motivated to finish school?” I asked her, and she immediately began to nod.
“Of course. It was one of those things that I wanted to be able to say I finished,” she replied.
I stared at her, and some part of me realized there was a significance to her words. I didn't comment on it though, because Julie had asked me a very important question immediately afterward.
“What motivates you, Falon?”
I leaned back, narrowing my brow in thought. It was only a few minutes before I finally answered, “Nothing.”
“Nothing?” she said, her tone tinged with despair. “There is absolutely nothing that keeps you pushing forward? Nothing that keeps you sane?”
I shook my head. “No. I'm just here, floating through until it's time to die,” I told her, shrugging slightly.
Julie's shoulders dropped and I watched as her eyes did too. “That seems like an awfully shallow way to live,” she replied.
“Shallow?” I asked, not being able to hold back the bitterness in my voice. Not that I ever held anything back when it came to my words. “You're going to tell me about being shallow?”
“Yes, Falon, I am. You can't just float through life without any attachments to it. It's inhuman,” she told me, her voice holding as much vileness as mine.
“I absolutely can. I've been doing it for nearly eighteen years now,” I replied.
“That's not living. That's not even existing,” she said. Her green eyes were staring at me with a desperation that I didn't believe possible. She was shaking her head. “Time flies quickly, and you have to hold on with dear life to the things that make it go faster because that's what happiness is. It's when you let go that you fall and have to force yourself to your feet,” she said, her voice falling soft.
I stared at her, and the way she believed the things she said. I wished I could be filled with that kind of determination. I wished I believed in a glass being half full, rather than broken.
“You live your life, and I'll live mine,” I said to her.
“That's not living,” she repeated. “All you're doing with your life is hiding,” she told me, a fierceness behind her words.
“Yeah, well, maybe if I had hid better, I wouldn't look like a freak,” I told her, pushing the table from between us. I just needed to hit something, or yell at someone. I just wanted to break something.
A budding friendship seemed perfect.
But she wasn't scared by the outburst, and she didn't look ready to back down. “Who told you that you were a freak? Did I tell you that? How about your sister?” she asked.
“I have a mirror,” I told her, looking away. I refused to look at her angered, yet compassionate, face as she spoke to me.
“Do you know how many people would trade their problems for yours any day?” she asked. “Because I can tell you, I know a lot of kids that would rather look like the freak you claim to be than be where they are now, and I don't ever hear them calling themselves a freak, or saying they have nothing in this world!” she said loudly, standing up as abruptly as I had pushed the table.
I looked to her, and what I saw was pure and genuine anger. I saw a girl that was ready to put me in my place if needed, and wasn't blind to my words.
I didn't say a word, and after a moment, Julie moved, and she started toward the door. She knew I wasn't going to stop her, just as I knew I wished I could.
She stopped, but didn't look at me. I could see the line of her face drawn together and held in serious thought.
“If you don't care about your own life, maybe you should try caring about someone else's,” she said, looking to me. I still remained silent. Julie turned around again and walked out of the room.
And I sat there and watched her.
♥
I didn't fall asleep until the sun was beginning to shine through the windows and warm my blankets. A part of me kept expecting her to come back, and talk to me, even if she really had no reason to.
I figure she had said everything she had wanted before she left.
A part of me wondered why I didn't stop her. If I had lost my pride, and told her I was sorry, she may have turned around and stayed with me, like she had the night before.
The other part of me knew it was best that I hadn't. It was better to nip all of it in the bud before it had any chance to bloom into something of value.
I still felt like a jerk. I guess there was no cure for that.
I wasn't going to apologize. I had nothing to apologize for. How I felt, was how I felt, and I shouldn't be forced to change that for anyone, whether they agree with my opinions
