BACK TO PRIVATE CONVERSATION
Around the age of eight. A small group of boys talked about whether sexual intercourse exists between our parents or not. We decided that the parents of the boys present did not have sex in order to produce us, all the others’ parents did.
MY FIRST PENNIES
It was when I was four or five that his father let me work in the lumberyard to put in order shingles. I got three pennies. I bought with one penny a flute, painted red, made out of sugar, wrapped in fine thin paper, held together with a ring. I put away the paper, put the ring on my finger, played the flute, and consumed it. With the second penny I bought at the market a fist-size canteloupe, ate it secretly. The third penny I saved for the future.
WHY THEY PERSECUTED MY FATHER
The Galanta congregation resented my father’s vernacular learning. They were savages. They claimed that he was not a real rabbi because he read the newspaper. They held against him that on a visit to Vienna he had gone to the theater and seen a play by Schiller. Once I asked him how he liked the play, he answered with a shrug, “M’lacht...”
BUDAPEST
I was ten and a half when my father was invited to become the rabbi of one of the greatest congregations of Europe. We moved to Budapest and my life and outlook changed completely. I became a college boy and then a medical student. With all the enthusiasm of a young man, I got acquainted with the new discoveries of chemistry, physics, with the literary geniuses of that time, with sociological theories, with new trends in art and finally, with Sigmund Freud’s writings. When his Totem and Taboo was published I briefed my father about the main content; namely that, according to Freud, God is our projected conscience and not what religion says; that conscience is the introjected God. He was silent. When I urged him to make a comment he said: “You are meshuga” (crazy). This was the first and the last time that I talked to my father about psychoanalysis.
At the age of eighteen I left the home of my parents. I made myself independent. But I stayed a devoted son. As long as I lived in my parents’ home, I participated in the performance of several rituals. My father knew how I felt about them. Later on, as an analyst, I wrote several papers on Jewish rituals and have shown that every ritual was a tremendous step forward in harnessing antisocial drives; but that now we can know their meaning and have control by knowing what they are. I do not oppose those who observe them, who obey.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS OF THE HUNGARIAN CAPITAL
Glorious entry into Budapest. We were traveling in first-class coach (I had never been in before—with red beautiful cover) and a terrible thing happened. My sister Lea wet herself. A large wet spot on the red plush. Terrible embarrassment. A delegation received us with music. We were taken to our apartment in fiakkers (carriages with two horses). The first time I saw water coming from the wall, at my will, toilet with flush (in Galanta we had outdoor Abort), houses with many flats, streetcars. Very soon I walked to the Danube. Later on I walked up to Buda. I was fascinated by the Royal Palace. No way to get in. Only to the gates. But I could get in to a museum at the side of the palace with relics to honor the memory of Empress and Queen Elizabeth (a real and legendary beauty who was killed in Luzern by an anarchist). I never missed to stand on the line on the street when Emperor and King Franz Josef (Ferencz Jozsef) came for a few days or weeks to his palace in Buda. It happened that I was (pretty often and always alone) near the guard horse who, when the king or prince came, drew arms to honor them, and see myself standing there, again alone, nobody bothering to ask me what I am doing there. I felt—like Kafka—that I would never get in. But I did, I did. The Hapsburg Dynasty perished and the palace was taken over by the revolutionary government of the radical (not communist) party and also later by the Hapsburg communists too, and offices were set up. I walked in the beautiful corridors, saw the wonderful doors, wallpapers, all with great art, and I wasn’t sure who would take care of all these precious things. The palace was destroyed when in 1945 the Germans withdrew from Budapest. Now the palace is restored. I do not know what happened inside.
MY “PRIMAL SCENE”
(Observance of parental intercourse, directly or indirectly.)
Age twelve to thirteen. Father went very early to the synagogue. The moment he was out of the house, I went furtively (others should not notice it) in the bed of my father. His nightshirt was there. It had a special smell. My mother’s nightshirt smell was different. When I perceived that the two smells were mixed, I drew my conclusion. Since then my olfactory orientation enables me to “put my nose into everything” when an explanation is missing. It helps me to discover the hidden.
MY FIRST INCOME FROM “PSYCHOTHERAPY”
I was about fifteen. It was in Budapest.
My father called me and my older brother Hermann into his studio. There was standing a short, thin man, showing on his face great distress. Father explained to us that this man made a vow that he cannot fulfill and that this man needs an absolution from his vow. According to Jewish tradition three Jews over the age of thirteen can create a court, a Beth Din, and absolve him from the obligation he committed himself to in innocence.
MY MOTHER’S DREAM A MONTH AFTER MY FATHER’S DEATH
She was at a ball and a man with a wooden leg asked her to dance.
