The others rolled in their feces, clutching their bellies, begging for help. Granny B asked one question. “If you want relief, answer this one tiny little question. Have you killed anyone while rustling their cattle? Be honest. I can tell if you’re lying."
The teenaged girl shouted. “I didn’t kill anyone! They killed several ranchers and planned to kill the cattle rustlers at the other cabin when we found them! I didn’t kill anyone. Please stop this pain in my belly!”
The girl started vomiting as Granny raised her pistol. Granny B didn’t second-guess what must be done and calmly shot the girl. “That stopped your pain.”
Next, she turned to the young man who’d called her a bitch. “The next bullet is for you because you’re a waste of air. Oh, people don’t call me Granny Bitch. It’s Granny B to you. Bye bye, and I hope you go straight to Hell.”
Her Colt barked, and the young man’s body jumped backward as the fat slow bullet tore through his flesh. She shot every one of the scumbags. The only thing that pissed Granny B off was that she’d have to make Rick and Tom clean up the crappy mess. Granny B thought about that and laughed aloud just as Rick and Jackie burst through the brush with guns ready.
Jackie yelled, “What happened? Darn, what’s that smell? Oh! Crap!”
Rick stared at the half-naked bodies strewn around the cabin’s front yard and said, “I’m never eating your foraged food again if that’s what killed them. A truckload of Imodium couldn’t have plugged those bastards up. Were they the rustlers?”
“Yep, I bamboozled them, but I must admit, they had a taste for good cookin’. Perhaps in retrospect, they shoulda’ spent more time learning to identify wild poisonous plants instead of spending time stealing. They literally crapped away their lives,” Granny B chuckled at the joke she’d made.
Jackie pointed at the man sitting on the throne in the outhouse covered in crap and a bloody wound over his heart. “I shit you not, this is a crappy situation. Darn, the flies are getting thick around here. Rick, let’s rope a leg and pull them away from the cabin until Tom and Kate get here. Granny B, is there any way to divert some of the cave streams to wash the ground?”
“As a matter of fact, there’s a pump inside the cave just past the entrance from the cabin. I placed several fifty-foot hoses beside the pump. Rick, the good news for you is it’s a hand pump.”
Jackie’s eyes flew wide open, and she glared at her grandmother. “So, I have to wash the crap from the bodies and front yard?”
Granny B batted her eyelashes at her granddaughter. “Pretty please? After all, I had to do the hard work. Killing those jerks will cause me to lose about a minute’s sleep. Granny B – Have gun, will travel! Jackie – Have hose. will wash!”
“Granny B, if you weren’t four times my age, I’d…”
“You’d crap and fall back in it before you could get the best of me. Hey, watch the old jokes. I’m a young sixty-four years old and can outshoot and outsmart any young whippersnapper. Just look around you. Now get to work while I get rid of my special salad and stew. Isn’t it amazing that a little nightshade, pokeweed, and buttercup salad and stew can do for a body? Saved my ass today. Everyone should know their edible and non-edible plants. Also, proper cooking makes pokeweed and buttercup pretty good to eat. Nightshade is never edible.
***
Tom heard the gunfire in the distance and gave his horse a kick. “That sounds like it came from the direction of Granny B’s cabin. Let’s pick up the pace, but I don’t want to run blindly into an ambush.”
Kate spurred her horse on and stayed a few yards behind Tom in their controlled rush down the valley. Tom pulled up and tied his reins to a tree. “We’ll walk on in from here. Check your weapons and take your safety off. Be ready to walk into a gunfight.”
Tom led the way as they snuck through to tall grass and scrub brush. They were only fifty yards from the cabin when they heard a blood-curdling scream. “That was Jackie. I have to save her. Let’s move on in and be ready to fight.”
They came to the clearing and were shocked to see Jackie washing something with a water hose while Granny B supervised. Kate gulped. “I think those are dead people.”
A gust of wind blew past Jackie to them. “Whew! What’s that smell?”
“Smells like someone crapped their pants. Hey, Jackie! We’re coming in!”
Jackie turned and squirted them with a stream of water. “Stay back. This stuff is sickening.”
Tom saw the bodies. “Why are their pants down around their ankles? Did you shoot them?”
Jackie laughed. “No! Granny B poisoned them and then shot them at her leisure. These bags of crap are the rustlers. They loved Granny B’s salad and stew until it upset their poor tummies.”
Granny B brandished her pistol and acted like she was blowing smoke from the barrel. Then she pointed to Jackie. “Granny B – Have gun, will travel! Jackie – Have hose, will wash crap!”
Jackie knew better than to complain. Tom just stood there and shook his head. “Now, we have to bury the bodies before the vultures start hoovering over us. That would draw a lot of unwanted attention.”
Granny B said, “You can dig or pull them into the cave and drop them
