He fell asleep, and she picked the heavy box up and went over to the wall behind her dresser. She decided it was the first thing she wanted to paint on.
"Wow," Lex said the next morning, waking her up.
"What," she mumbled, trying to fall back asleep.
"This is amazing, Aria."
"Thanks," she said, turning to watch him through the sheer fabric that hung around the bed.
She'd drawn the palace covered in snow, the way it had looked the day of the snowball fight. It was pretty good, she had to admit. And it took hours.
That night, he told her she should draw something over their bed.
"What do you want me to draw?" she asked. They rarely had conversations in bed anymore. It felt like those first few nights all over again.
"I don't care. Whatever you want. I'm sure it'll be great no matter what," he said, turning on his side. She was glad he wasn't looking at her. A blush had crept its way onto her face.
"Okay," she said, "I will."
The next day, after a few hours of writing lesson plans and training with Mara, she went back to their room and started stenciling her design above their bed. She decided on a quote from one of Lex’s books about Greek History. A quote about love, one that she felt represented the two of them. It was a way for her to say what she was feeling without actually having to say it.
She wanted him to see her words. To know what was truly in her heart even though things between them were a little bit broken.
“One word frees us of all the weight and pain in life; that word is Love.”
She felt a little nervous about his reaction. She knew it was good. She wasn't ashamed to take pride in her work. But still.
"What do you think?" she asked after he studied it for a few minutes.
"It's good," he said, turning to look at her. He looked back at the wall and then turned to look at the drawing on the wall above her dresser. "Really good."
"Thanks."
He reached forward and touched the tip of her nose. His finger came away blue.
"Pretty," he said, looking at his finger.
She turned away from him. For some reason, the whole ordeal made her heartache.
"Why-why didn't you try harder to tell me, Lex?" she asked, not wanting to meet his eye. "You were going to when we were alone for those few days. You started to say it, but then you didn't. And you never brought it up again. Why?"
She wasn't sure where this was coming from. They hadn't talked about it since the night they argued when she told him she'd never forgive him.
He sighed. "Does it matter?"
"What?"
"My reasons? They don't really matter. I could tell you ten different things, and not one would make you feel any better. So why are you even asking?"
"I don't know. But I want you to tell me why anyway."
"I wanted to tell you. I was going to. I almost did, because you looked so...so sad, talking about your mother. But I knew that what I was going to tell you wouldn't be...wouldn't be what you wanted to hear. And I know that's wrong. I know, but I just- I wanted to protect you from that. And I know it wasn't my place. And that if the situation was reversed, I wouldn't want to forgive you either.”
She nodded, understanding, and then they went to bed.
Chapter 35
Her anger at him dwindled in the weeks that passed. The only thing left was disappointment.
She missed him. And not just in a romantic way. Yeah, she missed the way he held her, and yeah, there were nights when she thought about making the first move and feeling her lips pressed against his.
But mostly, she missed who he was. She missed the person who loved his sister and wanted to make this place a safe haven for strangers, for outsiders. She missed him because, even though he had lied to her, he cared about her and her friends. He cared about all of his people. He had a kind heart. Yeah, he was an asshole sometimes, but he was also respectful, funny, charming, and a good person.
And he had apologized, over and over. And not only to her but to her friends as well. And they had forgiven him. They had tried to convince her to do the same. To think about what she would have done if she were in his position, knowing what he knew (or thinking he knew) about the others.
"That's different," she had said when Brent tried to convince her to let it go.
"How?" he asked.
Because you didn't have sex with him, Brent. You're not married to him. You're not in love with him, she thought. But she said nothing. She didn't want to admit that it specifically hurt her because he didn't tell her. She was supposed to be different. If he had told her, and not the others, she wouldn't have minded as much. Maybe that made her selfish.
In bed that night, with that in mind, she turned and inched towards him until he was close enough to touch.
She moved until she was lying on her side and wrapped her arm around his middle. He tensed at the touch for a few minutes, his muscles went stiff, and his whole body became rigid.
"This is just for warmth," she whispered, "So don't get any ideas."
"Okay," he said, but she could almost hear his smile. It was what he said to her at the house after he held her for the first time.
"And Lex?"
"Yeah?"
"I don't hate you. I'm still really fucking mad at you. And I don't know if I'll ever get over it. But I don't hate you," she whispered against his back.
"Okay," he said again, but his body relaxed.
She'd missed this. But it felt different, which kind of made her sad.
The feeling made her scoot closer until her chest was pressed against his back.
