She searched his eyes for reluctance, or anger, or anything really. But she didn't find any of that. If anything, he looked determined.
"Lex..."
"It will be okay, Aria. I'll be fine."
"How can you say that? You don't know that. It-it isn't worth the risk!"
"Yes, it is."
"Why? How do you know?"
"Because I love you."
She could feel the tears gather at the edges of her eyes.
He grabbed her hand. "I love you. And I want you to be happy."
I love you too, she thought. But she didn't say it.
He let go of her hand and gave her a little nod before turning and going into their bedroom. She sat back down on the couch.
As much as she wanted to believe there was some rational explanation for all of this, part of her was scared. And now, Lex was leaving. And she would have to stay here with her fear and her longing and her doubts.
She let herself cry for a little while. She let herself feel all of the hurt, all of the pain of the past few months. Starting with his betrayal and ending with his upcoming departure.
She was a little surprised to find that her feelings for him hadn't changed, not really. Yeah, she'd been angry. Hurt. Disappointed.
But she loved him too much to stop caring.
She tiptoed into their bedroom, figuring that he had probably fallen asleep.
He had. So after she crawled into bed, she watched him sleep. He looked so much younger, so much more peaceful while he slept.
She laid down next to him and scooted over until their sides were pressed to one another.
She'd never really felt like she belonged with anyone. But laying beside him as he slept made her realize that she did. This is what it's supposed to be like, she thought. We're meant to stay together, to lead together. Maybe she'd always felt alone because he was here, all this time. Waiting.
Chapter 36
In the morning, her eyes were red. But if he noticed, he didn't say anything.
She had thought that she wanted him to tell her that he loved her. Despite everything that had happened between them, she knew she loved him. So hearing those words from him should have made her happy. She should have felt happy.
But she didn't.
And it all came back to his decision to leave with the next party. That made his 'I love you' seem like a 'just in case.'
So she found it hard to look at him the next day. She had come to terms with his decision; she knew nothing could change his mind.
He must have told Grace because she was seething with anger the next morning. She glared at Aria throughout breakfast and lunch.
Aria tried not to take it personally. She could understand where Grace was coming from. Hell, she didn't like the idea any more than Grace did. But Aria doubted Grace would understand or believe her if she said anything.
Aria spent the afternoon in her bedroom. She told the teacher that she wasn't feeling well that she couldn't work today. Mostly she didn't want anyone to ask about why she seemed so upset.
She knew Lex would be leaving after dinner. Why he was going so late, she didn't really know. He said it was because of preparations. What they were preparing for, she didn't want to think about.
She decided to join them for dinner. She didn't really want to, but she didn't know when she'd get the chance to do it again.
On her way inside, she noticed Ben had joined them for dinner. Their people didn't sit in the places they sat when they had first come. Now they were all over the place since they'd become friends with the others in the palace. She didn't return his greeting smile.
Lex made small talk, tried to get both her and Grace to talk, to smile. But neither one of them really felt like it.
At some point, Grace grew angry enough to leave, stomping out of the throne room.
Lex sighed, watching her go. "I think she's mad," he said, trying to get Aria to smile. She didn't find it that amusing.
He sighed again. "Why can't you understand?" he asked, looking over at her.
She didn't have anything to say.
"Look, Aria. I don't want to leave. I'd much rather just send another party. But I can't- I won't send any more of my men to face something unknown. I can't keep watching them go and waiting for them to return. Can you understand that?"
"No, I can't."
"Well, what the hell do you want me to do? Sit and wait? What kind of king does that make me?"
"I don't know! I don't care about what kind of king it makes you, Lex!" She knew she shouldn't be yelling. She knew the others might overhear. "Maybe you shouldn't send another party at all. You've already lost enough."
"You don't mean that."
"Don't tell me what I mean!"
"So, what? Suddenly you don't care about finding the rest of your people?"
"Of course, I care! But I don't think it's worth it anymore. You were right. They are mine, so maybe that clouded my judgment before. Maybe you were right. Maybe the others are right. Maybe my people are that bad," she said, not quite believing the words coming out of her mouth. But she was desperate to make him stay.
"Even if you feel that way now, you'll never stop thinking about them. About what might have happened. About the possibility of being wrong. I won't make you live with that," he said, lowering his voice.
"I can live with that," she said, finding it hard to look at him, "But if something happens to you..."
They ate in silence after that. Even after she was done, she made no move to leave. For some reason, she felt like it was all coming to an end. The idea that if he left, she'd never see him again. So she stayed, hoping to make the night last forever. Part
