I still didn’t have an idea of where or how I would live, but I had all my senior year to figure it out. If nothing else, I knew I could always work somewhere punching a cash register. Sometimes, I imagined myself in an empty room: my music is playing and I am dancing. Singing so loud, my neighbors start pounding on the wall. I liked thinking about that. The freedom of it all.
The only thing that still bothered me was leaving Suna behind. But that would have happened even if I did plan to go to college. Still, I had to figure out a way for Suna to cope with everything. To live with Uhmma without me.
Suna slid open the closet door, letting in a narrow beam of light. She kneeled down and said, “Uhn-nee, it’s time for dinner.”
The table was set for three. Suna was taking a glass of water over to Apa lying on the couch. Uhmma stood over the stove, ladling hot soup into bowls.
Mina-ya, Uhmma called. Take these to the table. Uhmma handed me the steaming-hot bowls of spicy red je-geh.
Suna-ya, Uhmma called.
Suna was busy helping Apa.
Suna! Uhmma yelled impatiently.
Suna stood up quickly and came to the kitchen.
Uhmma pointed to a cabinet. Get the rice bowls and put the rice on the table.
We moved quickly, silently, until the dinner table was set. Uhmma walked over with the last of the small little dishes of ban-chan to eat with our rice and stew. She inspected the table, making sure everything was properly laid out, before she set the last of our dinner down and then took her place.
Suna and I sat down on either side and put our hands together in prayer.
Uhmma knotted her hands together and brought them up to her chin. She squeezed her eyes tight and rocked to the rhythm of her silent words. Suna and I never really prayed. Simply went through the actions so that we wouldn’t get in trouble.
Uhmma opened her eyes and we began our meal.
We ate in silence until I noticed Uhmma watching Suna delicately pick up a tiny floating mushroom and place it on the outer rim of her bowl, along with all the other pieces of mushroom that had been segregated against the white porcelain. Uhmma’s eyes began to narrow thinner the longer she watched Suna, who was oblivious to everything except her mushrooms.
Uhmma, I said quickly, I signed up for my SAT prep class.
Uhmma turned toward me. Good, she said. She took a sip of her soup and began her questioning.
How many people are in the class? The library was offering it for free?
I nodded.
Uhmma smiled and said, Mrs. Kim always knows these things. Did I not tell you that she knows these things? Tomorrow she is going to send someone to help us. What would we do without Mrs. Kim? Uhmma shook her head. She took a sip of her soup and then asked, When are you getting college catalogs? Mrs. Kim said that Jonathon started to get catalogs right away after he took his SATs the first time. Did you have a good conversation with him this evening? Did you make sure to ask him all about his application process?
Yes. I nodded and took a sip of my hot stew. My face was coated in sweat.
Uhmma continued, We must find him a nice gift for helping you so much. He has been such a good older brother to you. Mrs. Kim said that when he found out that you were coming over, he canceled his trip to the beach.
I could feel Uhmma’s eyes on me. Uhmma leaned forward.
Mina, she said, her eyes focused and sharp, you are conducting yourself like a good girl.
I made a point of staring back at her, my eyes hard and edged with indignation as the blood pounded in my ears. Don’t worry, Uhmma, I said.
Uhmma’s face relaxed. She continued, You have worked too hard to make your life a mess. You have your entire future ahead of you. Anything you want, you can have. You just have to remember to work hard and remain focused. Uhmma reached over and brushed a trickle of sweat off my temple. She smiled at me.
My beautiful daughter, Uhmma said. I am so proud of you. She sighed softly and glanced over at the couch. I wish, she continued, that I could have done more for you. I wish we had the money to send you to that expensive preparation class.
I looked up at Uhmma’s face every once in a while as she spoke more to herself than to me. It always seemed that in wanting the world for me, she always returned to what we did not have in our lives. In her life. For her life had not always been this way. She had come from a respectable family. A wealthy family, she had said. She was accustomed to better things. Deserved better things. If only Apa had seen fit to make more of himself instead of relying on the back of his youthful wife.
I listened to Uhmma droning on and focused my attention on the mole at the tail end of Uhmma’s left eyebrow. It was an ugly thing. When Suna and I were younger, we used to pretend to be Uhmma by sticking gum above our eyebrow. I couldn’t understand how others could think Uhmma beautiful, but how many times had
