Laura had to tell her something. She had to lie and she couldn’t lie and as she walked toward Marcie’s bed, she felt something like panic at the thought of losing her. But when she sat down beside her something popped into her head and saved her. She didn’t have to stammer and blush, and she didn’t have to confess her homosexuality. She told Marcie about her father.
She was almost ashamed to recount what had happened. It was humiliating, and it looked like a bald bid for sympathy. And yet she wanted terribly to touch Marcie’s heart, to win her compassion. “He told the clerk he had no daughter.” She finished. Her shame made her drop her gaze and cover her face with her hands. But Marcie, suddenly moved, put her arms around Laura and cried.
“Forgive me, Laura,” she whispered. “I’ve been a stupid idiot about this. I don’t know what got into me. Honey, forgive me, I should never have tortured you about it. Whatever your father did to you, he must be a beast. He doesn’t deserve to live.”
But that was going too far, even for Laura. There had been violent moments of shame and rejection, when she wanted to kill him. But there were others when she wanted only to be allowed to love him. “Don’t say that, Marcie.”
Marcie looked up at her, her face so close that she gave Laura a start. “Don’t tell me you still feel anything for him?” she said. “After what he did to you?”
“I don’t know what I feel. I hate him sometimes, Marcie, I hate him so much sometimes that I’m terrified of myself. I think ‘If he were with me right now—if he suddenly appeared—I’d kill him. I’d kill him!’” And she said it with such force that Marcie shuddered. “And then, other times, all I want to do is cry. Just cry till there aren’t any tears left. Get down on my knees and beg him to love me.”
“It seems so crazy, Laur. My Dad is so nice and ordinary. I couldn’t take it if he ever hurt me like yours. God, you must feel so alone. Laura, let me be close to you. Let me be friends with you. You haven’t up to now, you know.”
Laura began to feel dizzy. This is too much, this is too easy, she thought, and pangs of conscience came up in her. All I have to do is pull her close, caress her, kiss her, all I have to do—oh, my God! But I can’t! It’d be like corrupting her, like leading her astray. Damn! Why have I got a conscience? Beth didn’t have one. Neither does Beebo. Why me? Why can’t I just take her? But she was too afraid.
“Laura, talk to me. You’re off in another world again.”
Laura looked down at her, balanced between desire and fear, between desire and conscience, between desire and…desire, desire…
“Marcie,” she whispered. “Remember the night you wanted to touch tongues?”
Marcie laughed a little, embarrassed. “Yes,” she said. “I told Burr about it. He says I’m cracked.”
Laura was shocked. “You told Burr?” she said, hurt by the betrayal.
“Well, don’t look so horrified.” Marcie giggled. “Don’t tell me you didn’t tell Jack?”
And Laura, by her sudden confusion, admitted that she had. With the admission, and the shock, came a clear head. She stood up. Marcie watched her. “I’m going to bed,” Laura said. “I’m too beat to talk. I’m just worn out.”
Marcie let her go without a word. Her eyes followed Laura around the room. Laura ignored her studiously. She was asleep within minutes after she lay down, too tired even to worry.
Laura knew she would have to lie to Sarah in the morning about where she spent the day before. She made up her mind to do it fast and simply. She organized a little story about a sick headache and she delivered it quickly, even before Sarah had a chance to ask. Sarah took it at face value.
At the end of the day, she called Marcie and told her she’d be late. “I’ve got to stay here and catch up,” she explained. “I’ve done nothing but get behind the whole time Jean’s been away. I just can’t seem to get the work done. I’m not going to lose this job.”
“You’re wearing yourself out, Laur. I think you’re crazy. You can get a much softer job and earn a lot more money. In fact I talked to Mr. Marquardt about you.”
“You what?”
“Yes.” She laughed. “Today. I thought it would be fun if we could be in the same office. Besides, I never saw anybody work like you do. It’s insane, when all you have to do is sit around.”
“Marcie, I don’t want to sit around! I don’t need help! I can do this myself. I know you did it out of friendship but damn it, I want to work. I don’t want to sit around on my behind all day, counting the minutes till the next coffee break.”
Marcie was taken aback by the forcefulness of it. “Laura, I didn’t mean—” she began, and her voice was hurt.
“I know, I know. I’m grateful, Marcie, forgive me. But I have something to prove, staying here. It’s only hard at first, when you’re learning. It’ll get easier. And in another two weeks there’ll be three of us at the office.”
She knew she had hurt Marcie’s feelings and when she hung up she wondered if it was worth it. Why don’t I quit? Why don’t I take a soft job, like Marcie? But she knew what scorn her father would
