She cast her eyes down, not wanting to face Yvonne’s reaction. “He never forced himself on me in the typical sense. It was everything else that he’d take too far. He’d hurt me, or he’d keep me tied up when I wanted him to let me go. And when I protested, he’d tell me that I wanted him to do those things, that I’d asked for it. It made me doubt myself. I’d wanted all those things, hadn’t I? So I couldn’t complain when he was just doing what I wanted, what I’d agreed to. And most of the time, everything else between us was good, so I just let his treatment of me slide.”
“Oh, Ruby.” Yvonne’s voice trembled.
“I know that he was manipulating me, abusing me, but back then it was so hard to see it. I’d just become this shell of a person, this empty, formless vessel with no desires of my own. I became nothing more than what he wanted me to be.”
Ruby’s hands curled into fists. “I don’t remember exactly when I came to my senses, I just remember this moment when I looked into his eyes, and I realized there was no love in them. I realized that if he loved me, he wouldn’t hurt me. I realized that I was just a thing to him, someone he could use for his own sick, twisted needs. So I left him.”
Yvonne took Ruby’s hand and squeezed it. “I’m so sorry he did that to you. He wasn’t a Dominant, he was an abusive, evil person. No Dominant would treat their submissive that way.”
“I know that, now. But after what he did, it made it hard for me to trust anyone with my heart, with my body, with any part of me. That side of me that craved submission was still there, but I couldn’t imagine ever submitting to anyone else again.”
Ruby looked up at Yvonne. “Not until you. Since then, you’re the first person I’ve felt able to be vulnerable with. I don’t know why, but from the moment we met, I felt like I could trust you. And now I’ve screwed everything up.”
“You haven’t screwed anything up,” Yvonne said. “I understand why you got upset tonight. I can see how what we were doing hit too close to home. I should have been more careful.”
“No, it was on me. I was distracted. I was thinking about him, about everything I went through with him.” Ruby didn’t mention that the reason her former client had been on her mind was that she was worrying about falling for a client again. “And then, when you said those words that reminded me of what he used to say, it threw me, and suddenly I couldn’t handle it. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. And thank you for opening up to me about this. I wish you’d told me sooner, but I understand that it must be difficult to talk about.”
Ruby shook her head. “That’s not why I kept this from you. It’s not that I find it hard to talk about. It’s because you’re so careful about everything we’re doing together. You take it all so seriously, and you trusted me to be honest and open with you, but I thought that if you knew the truth, you’d want to end what we were doing. You were already so reluctant to do this with me, and you were so afraid of hurting me. You said so yourself, that night when I found your playroom.” Ruby’s voice faltered. “I was afraid that if you knew about what I’d been through, you’d think I was too broken for this.”
“Ruby.” Yvonne stared at her. “How could I ever think you were broken? Sometimes you’re so perfect, I don’t know what to do with you.”
“So you don’t want to end things between us? You don’t want to stop what we’re doing?”
Yvonne was silent for a moment. “Perhaps we should take a step back.”
“Please don’t say that! Yvonne, being your submissive has meant so much to me. You’ve shown me what it’s like to have a Dominant who really cares. I always knew that was how it was supposed to be, but I’d never experienced it. It doesn’t matter that our relationship is just an arrangement. You’ve shown me that I can trust someone with my desires, and that you won’t break that trust. I’ve always found joy in submission, in serving, but he took that from me. You’ve helped me reclaim that part of myself. You gave me a safe haven to pick up all the pieces of my life. That means the world to me.” Ruby’s voice caught in her throat. “I don’t want to lose what we have. I don’t want to lose you.”
Yvonne took Ruby’s cheek in her hand. “You won’t. I promise you. But we need to change how we approach things. We need to be more careful, more open and honest. Both of us.”
Ruby nodded. “Okay.”
“There’s something I need you to do for me,” Yvonne said. “When you feel ready, I want you to write down something you want me to do with you, something you want more than anything else. Your deepest, most hidden desire.”
Ruby shook her head. “There’s nothing I want from you that you don’t already give me. And I like it when you take the lead.”
“No,” Yvonne said. “This is about you, not me. You’re going to have to take the lead for once. You’re going to have to tell me what you want. Once you figure it out, sit down and write it down for me. Be specific and detailed.”
Ruby frowned. “Why do I feel like you’re giving me homework?”
A slight smile crossed Yvonne’s lips. “I suppose I am. And for good measure, there will be no more games between us until then.”
Ruby sighed. “Okay.”
Yvonne squeezed Ruby’s shoulder. “Are you ready to go home? We’ll take a nice long bath, then cuddle
