What she’d really wanted was some semblance of hope that she hadn't imagined there was more to them than just attraction and sex. Yet with Elio looking at her with those stone cold green eyes, she knew it wasn't the case for him.
"I wanted to fuck you,"
"It's all a little bit tragic, isn't it?"
"What is?"
"That it's not the most crucial thing anymore,"
"I started respecting you. That's why I couldn't go through with my plan."
His past words were like a knife to her heart.
He went with the plan.
Sex was the most vital thing.
And he sure as hell did not respect her.
Lie, lies, lies.
Made Men were fucking liars. No matter how many times they repeated that they were not. How moral and respectful they believed they were. Fuck. They might have even thought that was truly the case.
But it was nothing more than their imagination taking advantage of them. And along with it - of others who believed their words.
"Savannah, it doesn't mean anything right now." His voice became delicate, soft seeing the mortification on the girl's face. He saw pain and hated himself for being the cause of it. No matter that he cared about her. But without the acknowledgement of what was to come, she wouldn't understand.
Not when she was an outsider and didn't understand what being in the Famiglia meant.
She snorted quietly, trying to control her emotions. She was on the edge of falling apart.
"How can you say that?" she asked. "It matters to me. Because you went from being incredibly thoughtful to completely nonchalant of what we shared. You told me to trust you. That you wanted to be the man I deserved. And not once have you stopped and thought how selfish that was of you. You knew that was it. That you couldn’t pursue me further because that would end sooner or later. What was worse you never realized that it was something I should’ve been aware of long before I decided to offer myself and my body to you."
"You don't believe in that bullshit of waiting for the perfect moment or the perfect guy, Savannah. I could see that in your eyes when we went out for the first time. You were scared of dragging your brother into a situation that had the potential to go wrong. That’s all. I know you don't regret having sex with me."
She didn't.
He was right.
Savannah was far from believing in fairytales and all that love-at-first-sight thing. To give your v-card to someone you were in love with and could see a future with. It meant nothing to her. Whatever she did was driven by what Aiden might need and how he could be affected by her actions.
Being with Elio was the very first thing she’d done for herself. And she went too deep, too fast. She didn't regret the physical attraction or what they did. She regretted putting her mind and heart into it as well. Not fully, but partially. Enough that she still felt broken by the outcome.
She shook her head. "It's not your place to tell me what I believe or not, Elio. It's mine and mine alone. Unless you heard the words coming out of my mouth, you shouldn't assume anything. Because at the end of the day, even when people crap on the saying that words mean nothing without actions, it exists for a reason."
She was done. Savannah was completely exhausted and powerless where Elio was concerned. The worst thing was that even with him acting like a complete asshole, telling her all those painful things and making her feel like she had been a joke to him all along, she couldn't resist the impression that it was her own fault for thinking that she was strong enough to handle it.
Chapter Thirty-Four
There wasn’t enough Prozac in the world to help her release the stress and anxiety she felt right now. Her stomach was in knots and she could barely put one leg in front of the other. She was mentally exhausted after talking to Elio. Not to mention how stupid and naïve she felt for wishing something that could never happen. Immediately, she regretted choosing to go through the city on foot rather than by bus.
She needed to think and clear her mind, however, that only made her venture further into her thoughts and curse herself out. After years of having to deal with things on her own, becoming more responsible, one might believe that she would think twice before getting involved with someone who from the very beginning alarmed all her insides, screaming danger.
Being alone sucked.
That's why she felt relief when she got closer to her apartment complex. It meant that now Aiden would get all her attention and she’d forget her problems for the next few hours until it was his bedtime.
She shifted the bag on her shoulder.
"Are you okay there, Savannah?" She heard the voice of her neighbor Frank. She turned her head in his direction, noticing him sitting in his usual spot in front of his apartment doors. He was playing with his zippo, whirling it around his fingers.
She remembered when she’d asked him about it. The man had been a heavy smoker ever since turning fourteen and had only quit after coming back from his last tour in Afghanistan where he had lost his leg and damaged his overall health. His lungs were barely working and his life was hanging in the balance. Doctors called it a miracle that the man managed to turn it all around the best he could. Savannah only wished that he could have someone, other than her, to appreciate the sacrifice. Even when his life was crumbling down, he found the strength within himself to keep going.
It was extremely inspiring.
She bit her lip as it began shaking uncontrollably. She was about to cry. "Not really, no," she whispered, closing the space between them. The man stood up immediately,
