Rhodes: I miss you whenever you’re not here.
Fuck, he’s killing me.
Dee: We’ll catch up soon. Maybe I’ll pop round tomorrow and see Jake.
Rhodes: Not me?
Dee: Well, you’ll be there too.
Rhodes: Okay. Text me later when you’re home.
Dee: Will do.
Wednesday
Rhodes: Sitting in my office doing paperwork and remembering the last time you were here.
Dee: You mean when you cleared your desk and had your way with me on it?
Rhodes: Yeah. That particular memory is distracting as hell.
Dee: Does Jake need anything? I can call by there on my way home later.
Rhodes: He’s staying at Connor and Celeste’s tonight. No way will they not spoil him.
Dee: Okay. That’s good.
Rhodes: Everything alright?
Dee: Yeah.
Rhodes: You seem a bit . . . distant. That’s all.
Dee: Everything is fine, honey.
Friday
Jake: Hey, Dee. Thanks for the lunch delivery. Thanks for letting me be your lemon lava cake guinea pig. I volunteer to be your food test dummy at any time.
Dee: Hey. You’re welcome. Hope you’re feeling better.
Jake: Yeah, I am. You should’ve delivered it personally. I wanted to say thank you.
Dee: You just did.
Jake: I mean for coming to the hospital and being there for Dad. I know it can’t have been easy for him. I’m glad he has you.
Shot to the fucking heart, kid.
After seeing Rhodes and Jake a few times this week, I can now admit that things definitely aren’t fine. And the fact I’ve been blowing off Rhodes all week—not sleeping over there, barely spending more than an hour here and there with them—I can sense he’s now realizing it too.
But I can’t help it. I’m a girl, and sometimes we overthink and twist things in our heads and can’t get past it. That’s where I’m at now.
Things have been so easy, so fast, so intense with Rhodes that I fell into a comfortable lull where I went with the flow and didn’t stop to think about anything else. I love the man. There’s no question in my mind that he’d ever do me wrong. If things keep going the way they’re going, I can see us having a long and happy life together.
The problem is with me. I let a seed of doubt settle in my brain and allowed it to take hold, to burrow in and grow, digging in roots and making itself at home. And try as I might, it’s been at the back of my mind ever since I saw Jake and Rhodes together in that hospital room and the words they shared, ever since I heard Rhodes, Marco, and Don talk in the waiting room.
And it all comes down to one big, formidable force that I don’t feel I can ever equal. Lily.
I lost your mom. I can’t lose you too.
He lost his wife. He didn’t choose to leave her. There was no choice. The decision was taken out of his hands. Fate had other plans. And now he has me, and I love him more than I loved Flynn—my husband—yet I’ll never be able to truly know if it’ll ever be the same way for Rhodes when it comes to me.
I’ve been questioning that and struggling with it ever since the night of Jake’s accident, and with it comes guilt, sadness, disbelief that I could even fathom being jealous of a dead woman—a wonderful, amazing, spectacular woman at that. I’ve been asking myself if I can live the rest of my life feeling this way, always wondering, never relaxing, feeling I have to prove myself, not fully trusting whether his feelings for me will be enough. It’s a me issue, not a Rhodes or Jake issue or even a Flynn issue. It’s all me, and until I can sort it out in my own head, I know I won’t be able to explain it to anyone else, let alone Rhodes.
Saturday
Rhodes: Saw your latest video.
My breath catches, and I struggle with what to reply. Stuck for ideas for a new vlog, I decided to do a video about food to make you smile when you’re feeling down. I figured it would be cathartic, maybe help anyone out there struggling with much bigger problems than the one I’m wrestling.
Dee: Did you like it?
Rhodes: I always do. But you weren’t yourself, baby.
Dee: I’m okay.
Rhodes: Honesty policy, sweet cheeks. You’re either lying to me or lying to yourself.
Dee: I’ll be okay.
Rhodes: Wouldn’t mind seeing that for myself. Why don’t I come pick you up and I can make sure you’re alright?
Dee: I can’t tonight. Flynn has plans, so Harvey and I are having a mom/son movie marathon.
Rhodes: Maybe Jake and I could come over and join you then?
Dee: You won’t wanna watch these ones. We kind of have a weakness for old-school Disney.
He doesn’t reply for a while. And when he does, my heart aches.
Rhodes: Okay. Well, let me know when you want to do something? We haven’t had much time alone since the accident, and I know I’ve been focused on helping the kid, but that doesn’t mean I can’t see you as well. You’re important to me, Dee. I hope you know that. I love you.
Dee: I know. Say hi to Jake for me.
Rhodes: Will do. Call me later?
Dee: Yeah, if I don’t fall into a junk-food coma.
Rhodes: You’re a takeout snob, remember? No way you’d let anything bad pass those lips.
Dee: True, but everyone needs popcorn and cheap, greasy pizza now and then.
His next message doesn’t come through for a few minutes.
Rhodes: I know something is wrong, Dee. I hope you know you can talk to me. You can tell me if things have changed . . .
“Why do you look like someone just ran over your puppy?” Flynn asks, startling me.
I jerk my head his way to find him studying me. “I’m fine.”
“Yeah,” he says, pushing off the doorframe and walking over to the one-seater chair next to the couch. “And you forget that I can read you like a damn book. So quit the bullshit and talk to me.”
“I’m fine.”
He arches a brow.
