I nod. “Thank you.”
“Are you sure about this, Flower?” His voice is soft and almost hesitant.
“I’m sure.”
“And us?” He lowers his head and rubs the back of his neck.
“What about us?” I knew this conversation was coming. I knew he would want to talk things out, maybe make sure I’m okay, but honestly, I don’t know if I even want to do that. Lucas is a distraction. A welcomed distraction that makes me feel better, but I don’t know if I can take it any further than that yet.
“What are we, Charlotte?” His eyes connect with mine and hold me hostage. Something in them screams at me to give in. To let me love him.
“We’re just us, Lucas. What else would we be?” I want him to confess his love to me. Tell me all of the things I want to hear so I don’t have to be the one to do it first, but I know he won’t. The only time he even halfway admits anything is when he’s drunk.
“Why? Why can’t we be more?” His voice takes a turn and comes out angry.
I give him a sad smile. “Because we can’t even admit our feelings to each other.”
“No.” He shakes his head. “I can admit that I love you, I just haven’t because I don’t want to be made a fool. Professing my love to a woman who can’t do the same. Who probably doesn’t even feel the same.”
“You only think you love me. What we have isn’t love.”
“And how are you so sure?”
I let out a low laugh. “We don’t even know each other. I use you and you use me, plain and simple. We both get off on the fact we shouldn’t be together—on the forbidden. Just like you drink to feel numb, I use you to feel numb.”
“You’re lying.”
His comment almost catches me off guard. I know I’m lying too, but what other way can I get out of this? I took that step—crossed the fucking line—and now I’m more unsure than ever. I feel things with Lucas. Things I felt with Teddy, but what if he hurts me?
My heart can’t take another heartbreak.
I try a new angle. “Lucas…” I sigh “You think you love me now, but eventually you’ll get bored of me. You’re a playboy, a player. You have women falling at your feet. You don’t want me.”
“If you’re trying to change my mind, it won’t work. I’ll fucking prove it. You can say you don’t love me all you want, but we both know it’s a lie. You want me just as bad as I want you. Last night proved that.”
He steps around the corner and rushes to my front. His chest presses into mine, and I suck in a sharp breath and feel my heart start to beat faster.
“See? That right there. That isn’t hate or numbness.”
His hand reaches out and pushes the hair behind my ear. “Stop assuming the worst in me, and stop hiding behind your anger. I’m not fucking going anywhere no matter how hard you push.”
“If you mean it, then say it.” Say you love me. Prove me wrong.
He bites his lip and tips his head. “No. I’ll prove it instead.”
“How?”
“You’ll see.”
Our connection is severed when his phone rings. He drops his hand and walks over to the couch and picks it up. “Hello?”
I stand still, trying to listen to the conversation like I can even hear the other person.
“What happened? … No, Jules, I said don’t do anything stupid. Come home so we can talk about this.”
Lucas goes silent for a moment before removing the phone from his ear and tossing it back on the couch.
“What’s the matter?”
“He wants to go back to the casino.”
I prop my hand on my hip. “Okay, what’s the issue?”
He shakes his head. “There is more than he’s saying. Something is getting under his skin, and I don’t know what. If he goes, I have no doubt he will let his anger get the best of him and he’ll do something reckless.”
My mind flashes to the first time I saw Julius upset. The night at the club with Simon. He never hesitated. Never apologized. He didn’t give two shits who saw or heard. He had one goal, and one goal only: hurt Simon the way he was hurting me.
“Maybe it’s the girl.”
“What girl?”
“The girl from the file. The blonde.”
Realistically, everything happening in the casino basement is terrible, but if he was so willing to fight for me, someone he cared about, maybe that’s it in this case too.
Lucas looks deep in thought for a moment. “Our mother was blonde,” he remarks.
I close my eyes and cross my arms as an unsettling sadness washes over me. “Fuck,” I whisper.
“She looks like her… kind of,” he continues.
My heart breaks for a woman I never even knew and her boys. “We will figure this out.” I step close to him and run my hands over his back.
“We can’t do anything yet. We have to wait until Sebastian follows through with his end of the deal. If we strike now, it will do nothing but complicate things.”
“But those girls…” I start, trailing off.
As terrible as it is, I know he’s right. We can’t do anything yet. We need a plan, a solid, thought-out plan. We can’t go in there and hope for the best. That’s how people get killed.
I follow the same routine I have been any chance I’ve had a minute of spare time.
Drive to the casino, stand outside and watch, light up a smoke, and wait.
I haven’t told anyone I’ve been back. I leave when everyone is asleep or wait till I’m already out running bullshit errands, but something about tonight just feels different. It’s almost like her essence is drifting from the basement, up the stairs, down the hall, all the way out the front doors, and hitting me in my face.
I can
