“What’s your ‘but?’”
“I don’t have a ‘but,’ Kendra.”
“Yes, you do. I’ve known you for over eight years, and when you say ‘yeah,’ the way that you just did...there’s a ‘but.’”
I wondered if I could share this with anyone. I hadn’t disclosed my true feelings to my mother, sister, or even my best friend, Chanda. But Kendra was a bit more removed from the situation than they were, and maybe, just maybe, it might feel good to get it off my chest.
“These last two years that Russell started visiting me, I honestly had hopes that I would feel something.”
“And you don’t?”
“Nope. I mean, he doesn’t make me excited or happy or angry or sad. With Russell, I feel safe, like I’m just existing. Russell does what his father tells him to do. That’s the reason that we’re engaged.”
“As opposed to you doing what your father tells you to do?” she asked, repositioning a bobby pin in her hair.
“Different. I’m doing what I need to do to secure my future. To make sure that Sheffield Tech is mine. And I’ll do whatever it takes to make that happen.”
“Why can’t you have that and be happy with Russell?” she challenged.
Turning away from her, I watched as a seagull flew low, skimming the murky waters before scooping something into its mouth and flying high once more. I envied him his freedom to move about as he wanted and to live life on his terms.
A subtle breeze blew through, picking up the napkin I’d set aside on the table. I stood and leaned forward across the table, grabbing the napkin at the last possible moment before it could become litter.
Taking a sip of my spiced mango drink, I contemplated what Kendra asked.
My lips tingled slightly as I recalled the kiss Lake indulged me in, thinking of the way my heartbeat sped up each time I laid eyes on him after that, or how I’d clenched my thighs in response to the touch of his hand and lips when we kissed.
That was something I hadn’t acknowledged when it happened. My response and feelings about it all. I’d gone home and took that memory out to savor and reflect on later. Even now, I was trying to push the warm flush down that took over my face.
“Xiomara?” she prompted after I took too long.
“With Russell, there’s no tingle of excitement every time he touches me, or my pulse picking up when I see him, anticipating the next time that I’ll be in his presence. Or...my panties getting wet at just a kiss.”
“Wow!” Kendra said.
“Yeah, wow.” I nodded.
“Well, what do you feel when you’re with him?”
Looking into Kendra’s eyes, a sad smile lifted my lips. “Like my cousin just arrived.”
She and I shared a moment of laughter.
Grabbing my hands in hers, she said, “Honestly, Xiomara, I admire you for upholding this agreement of your father’s. I know that your father’s old-fashioned, but as a grown woman, I would make my own decisions about whom I love and marry. You have a beautiful career, and you’ve been living on your own all this time. The fact that you’ve returned home to do this is amazing. But...you don’t have to.”
Kendra had married an Indian man named Fariq, so she understood our cultural beliefs on arranged marriages. He had stepped beyond that role when he met Kendra, which was why she was so adamant that I should do my own thing.
Kendra and Fariq’s three-year reunion produced two-year-old twin boys and a ten-month-old baby girl. They were the cutest kids, and to see Kendra and Fariq together, you would think it was love at first sight.
Couples like them made me hopeful that I could find true love, too. But there was a dull ache in my heart that said it was impossible. I knew that I would never have with Russell what she and Fariq had, and I wasn’t sure that I could find someone who would love me like that.
My parents seemed to have it, which was why I didn’t understand my father’s misunderstanding of me.
I wanted someone that I felt I would die without. And that would not be my life. I would have to settle, and I didn’t like the idea of settling.
But when I weighed the pros and cons of my decision, I knew that I was making the right one for my life. I’d seen too much heartache suffered by women over the years.
Rather than settle for heartache with a man who may or may not love me, I had set my sights on the one thing that would bring me joy.
“Sheffield Tech is mine. I don’t understand what part of that people have such difficulty understanding,” I said adamantly.
“Oh, honey,” she said, getting up from her side of the table and sitting beside me. Wrapping an arm around my shoulder, she said, “Maybe you should talk to your father.”
“Not going to change a single thing.”
“Well, just give Russell a chance.”
I felt as if that’s all I’d been doing the last two years and two months whenever Russell visited me in the city to “court me.” Giving him one chance after another to prove himself, to persuade me, to woo me, and to make me fall helplessly head over heels in love with him.
But my stubborn heart wasn’t budging.
I WAS IN MY MOTHER’S office editing a fashion video that I’d shot for her online magazine. She’d convinced me to come on board to work with her in my “free time” since my return to Sunset Harbor.
She thought it was a wonderful way to catch up on everything we’d missed from each other’s lives during my absence. But I knew this was also her dream. Me coming to work with her in her company, no matter how fleeting the role might be.
My head jerked up after I thought I heard a voice. Looking out the window, I sighed. It had grown dark.
It was time for me to go home.
I’d spent my entire Saturday
