Xiomara bit her bottom lip and looked away from me.
“Lake, what is it you want from me,” she said, still refusing to look at me.
“The truth about your feelings for me.”
Shaking her head, she laughed. “You need to grow up, Lake. Women don’t get the same chances that men do in business. We have to make our way to the table, elbowing everything out of our way, hogging what’s on the table, and making no damn apologies for it. We’re expected to make sacrifices, put our big girl panties on, and not cry about it. Well, this is me doing that.”
“Look, I’m not trying to pressure you. But I have to express to you what I feel when I see you; when I’m around you...when we make love.”
Her head tilted to the side as a scowl marred her face.
“You promised—”
Shaking my head, I said, “I know. That I wouldn’t speak of that beyond those walls, and I won’t, but I also can’t pretend that the chemistry we have doesn’t exist.”
“You made your choices, Lake.”
“Is that what you think? Huh? Because, if so, then you’re a foolish woman. I mean, you’re right; I wasn’t ready for what you wanted. And when you posed that question to me that night...what did I want, and I said I don’t know, I wasn’t lying. I knew that I wanted you, but on the terms I felt you were offering yourself? I wasn’t ready for that, Z. I was still young. Yes, I had strong feelings for you. But enough to settle down at that moment? No, that wasn’t something that I could do.”
“I asked you a simple question. Could you see yourself marrying me? And you laughed.”
“I laughed because I didn’t expect it. It was nervous laughter, Z.”
“It didn’t make me feel good, nor did it clarify any supposed feelings that you had for me. And then you said that you couldn’t see yourself being married. That there was too much life to live and too much that still needed to be explored. You were very clear about your feelings for me. And that was fine; I’m honestly over that. But that’s just it. I’m over it. My disillusionment about you and me and romantic ideas about my life. I’m good with the choices I’m making. Why can’t you respect that?”
“Do you have feelings for me?” I asked.
“Doesn’t matter.”
“Yes, it does.”
She remained silent for several seconds before speaking.
“My father saw me that night.”
“What night?”
“The night after we’d had that conversation. He found me in the pool house, crying my eyes out. He had no idea about the ‘why,’ but he knew ‘who’ I was crying over. That was when he proposed the trip to New York to gain the experience that I needed. Dad wanted me ‘preserved’ for my marriage but had no idea it was too late. He just saw his little girl devastated, so he did the only thing he knew to do to salvage my future. He suggested that I go away, and I agreed.”
I paused for a while. I had known none of that and had nothing to say for myself because I felt like shit.
“Lake, there’s no confusion about my future nor my decisions. I made my choice,” she said after a while.
“You’re choosing a business, a freaking position as the head of your father’s empire over happiness? Over having a free spirit about your position in this world and your role in Russell’s life. You at least owe it to him to walk into a marriage with a free heart and mind.”
“And what does that look like, Lake? Screwing you again and again until I’m tired? Russell understands exactly what this is! I’m not the only one sacrificing my happiness for something that I want more than anything. So is he. And my spirit is very clear, and my mind. Whether you believe it, I know what I want, Lake. And the issue isn’t convoluted as you make it appear. Everyone knows what I want. You seem to be the only one who's mistaken about that!”
I knew I was upsetting her, but I needed to hammer the point in just a bit more.
“Xiomara, I feel as if you’re punishing me for the mistakes of my youth! What happened with us that night at the ball wasn’t a mistake. There was not a moment of regret in your eyes, and when you were in my arms, you fit there perfectly. The way that you moaned my name and begged for more was no mistake! You want me, and I want you. It’s easy to figure this thing out and move on together. I’m no fool, Z. I know you feel the same. At first...I thought maybe things were different. I mean, it’s been ten years. But the way you responded to me when I kissed you...when we made love. It let me know that what I felt that summer wasn’t a fluke. Hell, it wasn’t just that summer. I just finally reacted to my feelings that summer.”
“What?”
“Yeah,” I said nodding. “My feelings for you had been growing for a while, Z, you were a special girl. But I won’t lie, they scared the hell out of me. And just like your parents mapped out your life, so was mine. You know that. The only difference was that I was following my plans,
