She gave a small shake of her head. She was watching me with a strange expression and I was starting to feel uncomfortable. I wasn’t even sure why. There was such a look of forlornness and longing in her gaze that it spoke to a dark place deep inside of me. “God, I don’t even remember how it is to be young and carefree anymore.”
Carefree? I hadn’t felt carefree for a very long time.
“There’s so much I wanted to do, so many dreams I had. Everything seemed possible.” Her voice got stronger as if the memory drew energy from somewhere deep inside of her body.
“You have a beautiful house and many friends and children who love you,” I said but even as I did I knew it was the wrong thing to say, and I hated this feeling of always doing the wrong thing, of not being able to help.
“I do,” she said with a sad little smile. Slowly it faded. “Friends who don’t visit.”
I couldn’t deny it and I wasn’t even sure if Father was why they stayed away or if they’d really never cared about my mother in the first place. I opened my mouth to say something, another lie I’d feel guilty for later, but Mother kept talking. “A house that was paid for with blood money.”
Mother had never admitted that Father was doing horrible things for our money and I’d never gotten the impression that she cared much either. Money and luxury were the only things Father had always given freely to her and us. I held my breath, half curious and half terrified of what she would say next. Did she regret having had kids? Were we a disappointment for her?
She patted my hand. “And you kids…I should have protected you better. I was always too weak to stand up for you.”
“You did everything you could. Father would have never listened to you anyway.”
“No, he wouldn’t have,” she whispered. “But I could have tried harder. There are so many things I regret.”
I couldn’t deny it. I’d often wished that she had stood up for us, especially for Gianna, when Father had lost it again. But there was no use in making her feel bad for something that couldn’t be changed.
“You only have this one life, Lily. Make the best of it. I wish I had done it and now it’s too late. I don’t want you to end like me, to look back at a life full of missed opportunities and lost dreams. Don’t let life pass you by. You are braver than me, brave enough to fight for your happiness.”
I swallowed, stunned by her passionate speech. “What do you mean?”
“Before I married your father, I was in love with a young man who worked in my father’s restaurant. He was sweet and charming. He wasn’t part of our world.”
I glanced toward the door, worried Father would overhear us. As if that could happen. As if he would actually set foot into this room. “Did you love him?”
“Maybe. But love is something that develops with time and we never got the chance. I could have loved him very much, I’m sure of it. We kissed behind the dumpsters once. It was cold outside and it smelled of garbage, but it was the most romantic moment of my life.” A sweet smile was on her face, an expression I’d never seen on my mother before.
Pity squeezed my heart tightly. Had Father never done anything romantic for her? “What about Father?”
“Your father…” She trailed off. She took a few shuddering breaths. Even with the help of the oxygen tank, she was struggling to breathe. “He doesn’t have time for romance. He never had.”
But he had time for whores behind my mother’s back. Even I knew about them, and I was usually the last person who got wind of these kinds of things. I’d never heard him say a kind word to Mother. I’d always assumed he could only show affection behind closed doors but now I realized he probably never did. The only nice thing he ever did was to buy her expensive jewelry.
“Don’t get me wrong, I respect your father.”
“But you don’t love him,” I finished. I’d always been sure Mother loved Father, even when he didn’t return the feeling, but finding out that there was nothing between them somehow felt like a punch in the stomach. Aria and Gianna had made the best of their arranged marriages but now I realized that many weren’t as lucky and never loved or even tolerated their husbands. Most women in our world were trapped in a loveless marriage with a cheating and sometimes even violent man.
She sighed, her eyes sliding shut, her skin becoming even paler than before. “I always told myself there was still time to do the things I love, to be happy, and now? Now it’s too late.”
Would those words always feel like a punch every time she voiced them? “No,” I said shakily. “It’s not. Don’t give up.”
She looked at me with a sad smile. “It won’t be much longer. For me there’s nothing but regret. But you have your whole life ahead of you, Liliana. Promise me you’ll live it to the fullest. Try to be happy.”
I swallowed hard. All my life my mother had told me to accept my fate, to be a good girl, to be dutiful. “I want to marry for love.”
“You should,” she whispered.
“Father won’t allow it. He’ll find someone for me, won’t he?”
“Aria and Gianna made good matches. You don’t have to marry for tactical reasons. You should be free to fall in love and marry that special boy.”
An image of Romero popped into my head, and a swarm of butterflies filled my stomach.
“I remember that look,” Mother said softly. “There is someone, hm?”
I blushed. “It’s silly. He isn’t even interested in me.”
“How could he not be? You are beautiful and intelligent and come from a good family. He’d be crazy
