I ran a hand through my wet hair as I glared at the bathroom door. Why had I sent her away? She’d wanted me to kiss her. She’d wanted more than that. Why did I have to listen to my fucking conscience then?
But it wasn’t even morals that kept me from kissing Lily. It went against my oath, my duty, but that wasn’t the main reason. Even though she wasn’t really mine to protect, I still wanted to protect Lily, even from herself. She couldn’t possibly realize the consequences of flirting with me like that. In our world a girl’s entire worth was based on her reputation, her pureness, that was true in particular for girls from high-ranking Made Men. But even among soldiers only very few women were allowed to date someone they chose. We still followed the same rules from more than a century ago and I doubted that would change any time soon. If I let Lily close, if I let this thing between us unfold, if I took her the way I wanted her, then she’d be ruined in our society’s eyes.
Of course, there were plenty of things we could do that wouldn’t destroy her virginity. So many things, damn it.
That was a very dangerous thing to consider because if I really started to think of all the ways I could have Lily without ruining her, the likelier it got that I actually acted on those ideas, and I wasn’t sure if I was strong enough to stop at a certain point. At least, not if Lily didn’t ask me to, and I had a feeling she wouldn’t.
During breakfast, I acted as if nothing had happened. Aria was already too attentive. And Gianna seemed to know more than she should as well.
Lily met my gaze when her sisters weren’t looking and the look in her eyes made my cock twitch. Today I’d given her an opening. She knew now that I wanted her.
I’d spent my life for others, always putting my own needs second. Would it really be so bad if I took what I wanted for once? Never in my life had I wanted anything more than the girl across from me.
Why should I deny myself this?
CHAPTER EIGHT
Liliana
I stared up at the ceiling, or rather where I knew it was. The darkness was impenetrable, I couldn’t even make out my own hand. Sometimes it felt like darkness was all there was in my life. A long tunnel without an end. Especially at night Mother’s words haunted me. I’d promised her I’d be happy, but I wasn’t even sure how to do it. A deep loneliness filled me, had taken hold of me ever since Mother had died. We’d never been as close as some daughters were with their mothers, but she’d been there, a constant presence. And now it seemed like I was all alone. Of course there was Fabi, but he was young and would soon be involved in mob business, and Father…Right now, being here in the Hamptons made me happy but it was a temporary thing.
My sisters, they were always there for me, but they had their own lives, they had husbands, and one day they’d have their own families. They’d still love me, and still take care of me, but I wanted my own happiness, separate from them. I wanted what they had. And I knew the only person I wanted that kind of happiness with was Romero.
He had been watching me differently this summer. In the past years, his expression had made it clear that I was nothing but a girl to him, someone to protect. But recently something had changed. I wasn’t an expert when it came to men, of course, but his gaze had held a hint of something I often saw on Luca’s face when he watched my sister Aria.
At least, I was quite certain. I pushed my blanket off my body and sat up. I didn’t bother turning on the lights from fear of attracting attention and instead felt my way toward the door. I inched the handle down and slipped into the corridor. It was silent and dark, but at least here I could make out schemes. Not that I needed to see something to find Romero’s room. I knew exactly where it was. I had lost count of the times I’d imagined going there again. But so far reason had stopped me. Tonight I was tired of listening to reason, of playing it safe. I didn’t want to be alone, didn’t want to spend all night staring into the darkness, being lonely and sad. I crept down the corridor, careful not to make a sound, hardly daring to breathe. When I reached the door to Romero’s room, I stood there for a long time. It was silent inside. Of course; it was already way past midnight and he always got up early for his run.
My fingers shook with nerves when I gripped the door handle and pushed it down. The door opened without a sound. I snuck in and closed it again, then I didn’t move for a long time, only stared toward the bed and the contours of Romero’s body. His curtains weren’t drawn, so the moonlight provided some light. His back was turned toward me and the blanket only reached his waist. My eyes traced his muscled shoulders and arms. I moved closer, one hesitant step after the other. This was so wrong. Romero had caught me in his room before, and worse, he’d caught me spying on him in the shower, but this felt more intimate. He was in bed, and if things went my way, I’d soon join him. What if he sent me away? Or worse, what if he got angry and told Luca? What if they sent me back to Chicago into that dark and hopeless house with my father who didn’t miss my mother at all?
I froze a couple of steps from the bed. My
