****
Shawn had driven aimlessly all night until she ended up pulling off the highway at a hotel and checking in. She fell into the bed, fully clothed and exhausted. She lay there in the silence and darkness for hours, listening to the sounds of the vehicles fly by on the highway. She didn’t even know where she was at. She had turned her cell phone off as she pulled away from the house. Our house. Her heart ached, but the rest of her felt numb. There were no tears, only numbness.
Somewhere in the early hours of the morning, she had turned her cell phone on long enough to call Cheryl, the nurse she knew was on charge that morning. She gave a lame excuse of family issues and needing to take a leave of absence. She knew she had three weeks of PTO saved up and she would burn it all until she could figure out where to go from here, wherever here was.
She fell into a fitful sleep as the sun was rising. She woke hours later in a cold sweat and she bolted for the bathroom, vomiting violently. She stood on shaky legs, washed her face with cold water and rinsed her mouth out. The world would be a better place if you had never been born. Did her father really feel that way? Was he that disappointed and disgusted in her? She slid down the wall and sat with her forehead on her knees, feeling nothing but emptiness.
She had no idea how much time had passed when she forced herself up off the floor. She grabbed her car keys and drove in search of a place to get some food. She felt sick, but she knew she would only feel worse if she didn’t put something in her stomach to absorb the bile that threatened to make her vomit again.
A few minutes later, she pulled into a local diner and eased herself into a booth in the back of the room. An older lady cheerfully approached her with a smile on her face. “Hello sweetheart. What can I get you to drink?” The lady reminded her of someone’s sweet grandmother. “Just some water would be great. Thank you.” Shawn said quietly. Her throat felt raw from puking.
“I’ll be right back with that and I’ll take your order then if you’re ready.” The lady smiled at her as she walked away.
Shawn laid her cell phone on the table. It was turned off again. She wanted to turn it on; to call Rebecca and tell her she was coming home. It’s better this way. She will eventually realize you’re not enough. Better to walk away now then to tell myself later “I told you so.” She tucked the phone in her pocket as if it would keep the temptation at bay.
The waitress approached her table and sat the glass of water down. She carefully studied the young lady’s face in front of her. She looks completely lost and alone, like she doesn’t have anyone in the world on her side. How sad.
“What can I get for you this morning?” she asked Shawn.
“I think just eggs and toast will be great, thanks.” Shawn said, glancing up at the waitress.
“My name is Sandy, just shout at me if you need anything. I’ll go put your order in.” Sandy said. I wonder what made her so sad. She reminds me of Beth. She quickly wiped a tear before anyone could notice.
Forty five minutes later, Shawn left the little diner and headed back to her hotel room. She sat on the bed in silence, her mind replaying the scene with her father. She didn’t remember falling asleep. Her dreams were filled with painful memories of her parents expressing their disappointment in her and disgust that she was a lesbian.
She woke feeling groggy and alone. Blinking a couple of times, she looked at the cheap alarm clock on the bedside table. Five thirty? Was that right? Did I really sleep that long?
She sat up slowly, feeling like she was weighed down by an elephant on her chest. She pulled a baseball cap on, not caring what she looked like; she wasn’t trying to impress anyone. She grabbed her wallet and keys and headed out the door to her car.
A few minutes later she pulled into the diner parking lot and made her way inside. She glanced around noticing a few other patrons who stared at her curiously as she weaved her way to a back booth and took her seat. She was staring blankly out the window when she heard a familiar voice of the waitress who had served her that morning.
“Back again?” Asked the older lady as she flashed her a friendly smile.
“Sandy right? I didn’t have anywhere else to go.” Shawn shrugged her shoulders. “I’m surprised you’re still here.”
“It’s been a long day. We had another waitress call out so I picked up her shift. I guess I didn’t have anywhere else to be either.” Sandy smiled. “What will it be for you?”
“You pick, I trust you won’t steer me wrong.” Shawn said quietly.
“Okay honey. One ‘Sandy Special’ coming up.” As Sandy walked away something in her made her turn back to the booth. “I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I’m still here. I think there is a reason I ended up working a double today and I think that reason is you. I don’t understand exactly why, but I feel like you need to know that whatever it is that has you
