Gone is the goofy kid who I couldn’t even imagine ever kissing two years ago. Now stands a very, very attractive man. He’s filled out in all the right places, found the gym, and he’s still the same sweet Derek I love.
Love.
God, I’m so stupid. I have to try to get this under control because loving him is the dumbest thing I could do…but yet I do.
I love him so much it hurts. Every month I have to remind myself that he’s my best friend, not some guy to lust over.
Plus, he doesn’t see me that way. He never has.
“I think I’m in love with her.”
My drink goes flying out of my mouth.
“Jesus, Teagan!” he complains as he wipes his face.
“Sorry, but love? How long have you guys been together?”
He sets the napkin down. “Six months.”
“Six months?” I shout. “And you’re just telling me now?”
What the fuck? I tell him everything and he’s keeping things from me like this?
“Calm down, I know how well you react to…new people.”
I roll my eyes. “No, I just don’t like the girls you bring around.”
“Yeah, because the dickhead you’ve been with for the last four years is a fucking winner.”
“We’re not talking about Keith. Besides, we both know how I really feel about him.”
Now it’s Derek’s turn to be irritated. “But you won’t dump him?”
Because then I wouldn’t have an excuse as to why I can’t be with you.
I don’t say it because I’m ridiculous. Derek and I are best friends. He’s the man I know one day I’ll be with, but right now, I can’t until I get my life straight. I’ll be ready to admit the truth, just…I need more time.
Keith is comfortable, and he doesn’t expect anything from me other than to be at his games, which I have to be anyway, thanks to my cheerleading scholarship. Then there’s the fact that Keith is safe. He’s not a bad guy, he’s just the guy. Derek goes to school two hours from here whereas Keith is at the same school as me. It’s nice having someone close. I don’t feel so lonely all the time.
“I know it doesn’t make sense to you, but it works for us. You’re not around, and he is.”
“You need to stop being so dependent on him. It’s okay to be alone.”
“Says the serial boyfriend?”
Dating someone new has never been a big deal before. He usually lasts about two months with a girl before he realizes she’s not for him, they break up, things go back to normal, and I rest easy again. He’s never dated anyone longer than four months. Until now.
Derek leans back, watching me with curious intent. “Why are you upset anyway?”
Because I don’t want you to be serious with anyone.
Because it’s you I see in my future.
Because you should love me.
“I’m not. I’m hurt. You should’ve told me. We talk all the time and have dinner once a month. You’ve forgotten to tell me about the new girl or you didn’t want to tell me?”
He crosses his arms and releases a heavy sigh. “I knew you’d act like this.”
“Like what?”
“This! Like I’ve done some horrible thing and betrayed you. I really like Meghan. I love her, Teagan. And as my best friend…” He may be saying it as though I’m important, but right now, I hear the words as much more. He’s reminding me of my place in his heart. I’m only the friend and I’d do well to remember it. “I would think you’d be happy for me.”
I close my eyes, shoving down my feelings for him and focus on how many times he’s been there for me. How many nights he held me when Keith said something mean or I’ve gone back and forth about leaving him.
Countless shirts I’ve soaked over stupid things with my family or friends and Derek has always been there. He has always been my rock, and I’m being selfish.
Slowly, I lift my gaze to his. “I am happy for you, if you’re happy. I was just taken by surprise, that’s all.”
“You’d really like her, Tea.”
I doubt that.
“If she likes you, she clearly has good taste,” I say with a smile.
Derek laughs. “Yeah, I’m such a catch. I don’t know how the hell I convinced her to date me. She’s beautiful, funny, smart…a lot like you.”
My chest constricts. “So, she’s amazing?” I try to joke it off.
“She could be the one.”
So could I, if I wasn’t so afraid to tell you and hope you felt the same.
Chapter Seven
Teagan
Present
“I’ll give you two a moment,” Mr. Beeson says as he walks out.
Derek turns his back, hiding the pain so clear in his eyes. “Derek.” I call his name, but he doesn’t move. “I’m so sorry.”
He shifts, his head shaking before lifting toward the ceiling. “Don’t say shit you don’t mean. We all know how you felt about Meghan.”
“That’s not fair.”
“No, none of it is fair,” he agrees, but not about the same thing.
I didn’t love Meghan or even like her, but I would never wish her dead.
I move closer to him, not sure what to do. If this was back in the day, I would wrap my arms around him, clutch him until he cried it out. I would know exactly what to say or do because he was the other half of my brain.
This man, I don’t know.
So, I go with the truth.
“I have a million things I want to say, but all of them sound stupid in my own head. It’s been so long and we’ve both changed. I am sorry, though.”
Derek turns to face me. “It’s been—hard. Everything is hard. I shouldn’t have snapped at you.”
“I understand anger.”
More than most people. That’s typically the emotion I feel most attached to. It’s easy to be angry. To look at the world around me, wishing I had a better job, money, a house, a man who didn’t fuck me over, so being angry just feels good. It’s
