“He might feel different once he knows,” she offers after a few minutes of digesting what I said.
“I don’t care if he does or doesn’t. I won’t ever let my kid know what it feels like to be unwanted and unloved.”
“So you’re not going to tell him?”
My head falls back, and I look at the ceiling. “I wish I could do that, but I can’t. Not to mention, it’ll be pretty hard to keep him from noticing my giant pregnant belly.”
She laughs without humor. “No shit.”
“You’re the only person I’ve told.”
She pulls her long brown hair back and then over her shoulder, the nervous gesture she’s had since we were kids. Then she squares her shoulders a bit. “Okay, and then what is your plan?”
Sierra usually gives me the best advice and has always been the person I go to when things are just too much for me. She has a way of telling me the truth or forcing me to see it myself, which is what I need from her more than ever.
“I’m going to go to the doctor to verify the pregnancy, make sure everything is okay, and then I’ll tell him.”
“And after that?”
After that? Who the fuck knows. Maybe I’ll have an epiphany, but at this point, I have no plan.
“I don’t know.”
“What do you want?”
My eyes fill with tears, and I hate the weakness they bring. What I want isn’t even possible. I wanted to be married to Declan and for this to be the thing we’d always dreamed of. That isn’t what this is, though.
Instead, I’m having a baby out of wedlock, with a man who doesn’t want the baby or me, and that man believes I’m dating someone else.
Yeah, I’m a walking episode of Jerry Springer. Well, maybe not that dramatic, but I feel close enough.
My sister waits as I wipe at my cheeks, removing the errant beads of moisture that fell. “I want him to fight for me, which will never happen.”
Sierra’s lips form into a frown and then she sighs. “Then maybe you should finally leave him behind.”
“And how exactly do I do that?”
“Maybe it’s time to sell the farm and leave Sugarloaf like you almost did five years ago.”
Chapter Nine
Sydney
I’m sitting in my car, staring at the tiny thing on this photo that is supposed to be a baby. It doesn’t look like one, that’s for sure, but the doctor assured me that it is, in fact, a baby. Or it will be once it makes its debut into the world.
I’m really pregnant, which has been confirmed by a medical professional, and I have his or her first version of a selfie in my hand.
In all my life, I never thought I’d be a single mother. I don’t know why, but I figured since I don’t really have sex that often that it wasn’t something I had to worry about. Also, because I’ve been living my life in slow motion. I didn’t see it until Sierra pointed it out, but now it’s so clear to me that I’ve been waiting for Declan to return. Five years ago, a great law firm approached me and offered me a shot at making partner. It wasn’t a sure thing, I would have had to earn it, but the opportunity was there. It would have meant more money, bigger cases, and the chance to make changes in a meaningful way. I turned it down.
I grappled with selling the farm and the memories it holds. I couldn’t imagine leaving and going where he couldn’t find me.
I was a fool.
But I’m not anymore. I don’t have the luxury to be one now that I’m going to be someone’s mother.
God help us all.
I grab my phone and call Ellie. While I have no plans to tell anyone other than Sierra that I’m pregnant, I miss my friend.
She answers on the first ring.
“Hey! How are you?”
“I’m fine. You?”
I hear rustling through the line. “I’m just grading papers and dealing with the insanity of building a house ... oh, and also planning a wedding.”
“Don’t forget you’re also pregnant,” I tack on for good measure.
“And then there’s that.”
“Are you having a big wedding?”
Ellie sighs. “No, just family and close friends. I wanted to elope, but Connor wants the ceremony, and he wants Hadley to be part of it all too.”
Hadley has very clear ideas on what her parents’ wedding should be like. That kid is the best thing that’s ever happened in most of our lives. She’s full of wit and love, and she has no problem dispensing either.
“She let me know a few weeks ago that she wants a big wedding in the castle that Connor should build her,” I inform her. “Of course this was before you were even engaged, but the kid was making plans.”
Ellie chuckles. “She also informed me that she will not be a flower girl because she’s not a baby.”
“Well, she is eight now.”
“Going on thirty. Hey, what are you up to tonight?”
I go quiet. No way am I falling for another one of Ellie’s attempts to force Declan and I together. “No.”
“No?”
“No. I’m not going to meet you where your fiancé and his brother will happen to be, forcing us to be coupled up again. No.”
Ellie lets out a loud gasp. “Me? I would never do that to you.”
“Liar.”
“Okay, maybe,” she amends. “I only did that because we wanted to talk to you guys together. I’m sorry for forcing it. After what I heard he said, I promise I won’t do it again.”
And I believe her. Ellie is the kindest person I’ve ever met. She wouldn’t deliberately hurt me.
“Thank you.”
“Syd,” she hesitates and then begins, “Did he … I mean … are you okay?”
No, I’m not, but I’m really good at pretending.
“Yeah, it was, but I’m fine. It’s nothing I didn’t already know, right?” I try to brush it off because, really, I can’t talk to her about this.
Ellie is quiet for a second. “Okay, if you say
