Declan’s eyes meet mine, a million memories pass between us in that look. “No … it wasn’t, but it’s not the same anymore.”
I try to slow my rapid pulse and temper my scathing remarks. Sugarloaf has remained mostly the same, it’s him who is different. “Nothing stays the same.”
“No, and some things change in ways we don’t prepare ourselves for.” His voice is soft and full of understanding.
“Yeah, but change is good, right?”
Declan lifts one shoulder and then cracks his neck. “I think change is inevitable, but who the fuck knows? I came back here, and some of it is the same as it was eight years ago, some of it, or maybe just the people are nothing like I remembered.”
“Eight years is a long time,” I say, and then feel like a fool. Eight years is how long I’ve been living in the past.
“Yeah, it is.”
“Declan?”
“Yeah?”
“Did you ever really love me? Was what we shared just some fairy tale that two broken kids told themselves?”
He shakes his head and reaches out to grab my wrist. “What we had was real.”
My stomach flips, and I swallow back the words I want to ask. It won’t do us any good to keep going around and around. We both need to forge forward and stop going backward.
I struggle to keep my breathing even because his hands are hot against my skin, and I swear I sense him in my bones. Declan has somehow branded me, forcing my body, soul, and heart to know him as though we are one.
He drops his grip and I find the words that need to be said. “I loved you too. I want you to know that. I have never really stopped loving you, even though I hear you loud and clear on what you want.”
“I will always love you, Syd.”
Just not enough.
But I can’t change that, and there is a very real future coming. The baby is what matters, and I need to make my plans. “And I want you to be happy. I want both of us to be. I think you and I need to stop drudging up the past and rehashing it like anything will change. That’s the only way we’re going to survive being near each other. Do you think that’s possible?”
Declan falls quiet, his gaze on the ground, and places his hands in his pockets as we start to walk again. “I still think we need to talk about what happened a couple of months ago.”
I swallow hard, not wanting to relive any of it. “There’s nothing to say, Dec. It was … I don’t know, years of pent-up feelings that all boiled over. Closure?”
“When I left you … when we were … when …”
“When what?” I force the words from my lips.
“Before it all fell apart.”
“Please stop saying things like that,” I say. “Please stop acting like we fell apart. It’s insulting and unfair. It wasn’t mutual. It wasn’t like time and distance made us drift onto different courses. We were in love, Declan. I loved you. You swore you loved me and wanted to marry me. We weren’t kids—well, we were, but we were old enough to be honest. When you make it out like we just … fell apart, it’s a lie, and we both know it.”
“So much for not drudging up the past.”
“I didn’t bring it up. You did, and I’m asking you to at least be honest about it.”
“Fine. When I walked away from you. When I ripped both our hearts from our chests and ran them the fuck over with a steamroller. Is that better, Bean?”
My heart races even faster as the nickname that he and Jimmy gave me so many years ago falls from his lips.
“It’s at least honest.”
Years of holding it together in court and with victims is the only reason I don’t burst into tears. I shove my own emotions down, keeping myself almost numb to it all. I loved this man with everything I was, and in some part of my heart, I still do.
“And now what? Now that I’ve said it, what does it change?” Declan looks to me for an answer I can’t give.
“I don’t know.”
“I don’t want to keep doing this,” he admits with a hint of defeat. “I don’t want to go around and around with you. You and I used to be so … easy.”
I release a deep sigh through my nose. “We were.”
He steps closer. “We could be again.”
There’s a part of me that wants exactly that. The friendship we shared was strong, and if we can get back to that, surely we can agree on some sort of life for our child. Declan may not want kids, but I don’t believe he would abandon him or her.
Then again, I don’t know this new Declan.
“You want to be friends? What would that look like?”
“It could be whatever we want it to be. There are no rules, but you’re right on letting go and starting over. Being back here is hard. I feel my father and the past on my shoulders, and I can’t do it, Bean. I need for us to be okay. Can we find a way to coexist in Sugarloaf and at least be friends?”
God, I want to say yes. I want to throw myself in his arms and hug the best friend I lost, but him asking this, answers every question I was debating since leaving Sierra.
This will never end for me. Six months of Declan showing up or us running into each other is inevitable. You can’t hide from someone in a town like Sugarloaf, and I could never hide from Declan even if I tried.
He may believe that we can put everything aside and be friends, but I know that isn’t something I could do. In my heart, I know that I need to be either all in or all out with him. There is no middle ground or half-measures.
“I don’t know if we can.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m leaving Sugarloaf.”
Chapter Ten
