The loss of her is felt everywhere. My heart doesn’t seem to beat as strongly, the cold hits my chest, making it hard to breathe, and the emptiness from her loss leaves me weak.
For those minutes I held her, the world made sense. And now ... I need to leave.
Chapter Eighteen
Sydney
“Where did Declan go?” I ask Connor. He said he had to go to the bathroom, but it’s been twenty minutes, and I’m beginning to wonder if he decided to just leave.
I grab the blanket and wrap it around myself, feeling the night chill. While I’ve felt this way since he let me go after the dance, I prefer to blame the weather.
“I don’t know, probably to get his head on straight after whatever the hell just happened.”
I look at him, trying to decipher the meaning of it. He sounds angry or maybe disappointed.
“What has you upset?”
“Him. I specifically told him to let you be unless he was going to give you what you deserve.”
“And what do I deserve, Connor?” Now, I’m pissed. “You have no right.”
“The hell I don’t.” He throws his hands up. “You think I don’t love you like a sister? Your friendship with Ellie and your relationship with Hadley is everything to us. My brother promised me that he wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize our lives here, and not a week after he shows up, you decide you’re fucking moving. I’m not dumb enough to think it’s a coincidence.”
I take each of his statements and break them down. Connor is acting like a big brother, which is sweet, if not a bit late, and he doesn’t have all the information. Also, he needs to stop it. If Declan and I want to make a million mistakes, then that’s what we’ll do, he can’t prevent it.
“I went to him when that song played. I went to him because I needed him. I know your heart is in the right place, and I love you for it, Duckie, but I love him. I always have. The two of us are grown-ups, and we need to figure out how to be around each other without being at one another’s throats.”
Ellie places her hand on his arm and then shakes her head. “We just don’t want to see either of you hurt. It’s hard on him being back here and facing the things that have haunted him in his past.”
Things like his family and me. I know all this.
Connor pulls Ellie into his arms and then takes a drink.
“Were you guys fighting before?” I ask, remembering them when they went to get a drink.
“No, but we were talking ... forcefully.”
Ellie releases a deep sigh. “Can you stop riding him so hard?”
“I’m not riding him,” Connor says with exasperation in his voice. “I’m not going to lie to him. If he asks my opinion, I’m going to give it to him.”
Declan isn’t one to run away from conflict, but I can’t imagine it’s easy for him to be chastised by his brother. I look out toward the field and see something moving in the direction of where my land is. I don’t know why, but I know it’s him.
“I’m going to see if he’s okay.”
Connor puts his hand on my shoulder to stop me. “Syd.”
“I know him better than you do, Connor. It’ll be fine.”
“I just ...”
Ellie grips his wrist. “Let her go. It’s late, and we’re all tired.” Then she turns to me. “Will you call me tomorrow or if you need me?”
“Of course.” I lean in and kiss her cheek and then Connor’s. “I love you both, but this is our battle to fight. If Declan and I can’t figure this out, then we have bigger problems than Duckie giving his opinion a little too freely.”
With that, I head over to where I saw someone last. It’s dark, but the moon is bright and the stars above are so beautiful. I love the night sky. It’s filled with so much wonder and a vast unknown. I fixate on the star I want to make a wish on—like I’ve done so many other nights—and hope this time it’ll come true.
Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, make my wish come true tonight. I hope that Declan and I can find a way through the future. I hope you can heal him enough to love our child and be the father I know he can be ... if he lets himself.
As I move through the field, the sounds of the countryside fill my ears. There are crickets chirping, and in the distance, an owl hoots. As I move deeper, the creek that runs along our two property lines and the frogs that call the water home add themselves to the symphony.
I love how nature is never silent. I never feel alone when I’m out here.
The music that had been roaring in the background has faded to a muted hum. I don’t know where he went, it’s hundreds of acres between his farm and mine, and he could be anywhere, but I keep walking.
I take a deep breath and focus, trying to feel more than think.
After another fifteen minutes of letting my heart lead my steps, I see him.
Declan’s back is to me, and his chin is down to his chest as though he’s praying. I make my way there, knowing this could backfire but also believing in my heart that being alone isn’t what he needs right now.
He stiffens, and I continue forward.
“You shouldn’t have followed me.” His voice is low, and he doesn’t turn.
“You shouldn’t have left.”
I hear the breath release through his nose as I come to a stop beside him.
This place means something to all the brothers. It’s where their mother rests.
“Did you make sure this place was taken care of for her?”
I shake my head. While I made it a
