Sighing I look from my thoughts where I’m heading to the angelic face of the one thing I have left. Melody. Two weeks ago, she entered this world and at the same time I lost the love of my life. I’ve heard some people resent their children when something like this happens, but I could never do that. She connects me to my beautiful Pixie.
“Morning Pixie,” I say, kneeling in front of Jamie’s grave marker holding our beautiful daughter. A single tear slips from my eye. I don’t bother to wipe it away. Letting it fall to the ground.
“I know we buried you only a week ago, but it seems as if forever has passed. I would have come by here every day if only Melody weren’t so small. I’m not ready to let someone else watch her yet. We were supposed to do this together. Grow old together, fill a house with the musical sound of laughter. Now you're gone. God, Pixie how am I gonna do this without you?” I murmur as I stare at the grave marker sitting in front of the dirt that still looks like it was freshly dug.
“You know I didn’t think at nineteen I’d be making funeral arrangements,” I say. Jamie’s sister Alexis and I had to go with one of these little things until her stone could be done.
“I want to be angry with you for never telling me about the cancer. I feel like you didn’t trust me enough to be there for you when you were in pain. Then again, I want to be understanding. Doctor Meyers gave me the letters you wrote to me as well as Melody. I put our daughters’ letter away for when she’s older. Mine however I wanted to wait until I was near you to read it.” I say pulling the letter out of my back pocket.
Opening it I begin to read it out loud.
Mr. Broody,
I know your upset with me. Please understand I didn’t want to leave you or our baby. When I was little, my parents took me to the doctor because I’d been really sick. They found out I’d had bone marrow cancer. My daddy thankfully had been a match to me and did what he had to do to help me. I’d been in remission until right before I found out we were pregnant. I’m sure the doctors have explained everything to you by now. I told them if I didn’t survive through the pregnancy to tell you everything, even the part where they kept urging me to tell you and everyone else.
I tried to fight the best I could to hold on. Please know that. The doctors were going to see if the baby would be a match and if so, I’d have hopefully been okay. But unfortunately, with you reading this means I wasn’t strong enough.
I’ll forever carry the guilt of not listening to them and telling you. But I’m glad I didn’t because I’ll always remember the look on your face when I last saw you. Smiling at me and calling me Pixie.
I used to hate when you called me that nickname until you’d explained it to me. Then I fell in love with it the same as I fell in love with you. Actually, I’ve loved you since the first day I saw you sitting there in class on my first day of school.
Please let our baby know I love them and will always be watching over them and you.
Just because I’m gone don’t go on being alone. Like I’m sure you’re thinking. I promise you I won’t feel betrayed by you moving on. I want you to be happy. To show our child it’s okay to love. To be loved and move forward. That’s what I want for you, to move forward.
With all my love until we meet again,
Pixie
Melody gives a small cry and wiggles in my arms as I finish the letter. Refusing to allow the unshed tears to fall I glance down at my beautiful daughter. I can’t help finding myself simply staring at her. She looks so much like her momma.
Soothing Melody I turn my focus back to Jamie's grave, “I know I’ll screw up along the way raising our girl, but I swear I’ll make sure she never has to go through what you did. She will know who her momma is and that you loved her as much as I do,” I murmur.
Jamie never got to meet her little girl. Never got to find out she was having a girl. Nor did she get to hear her first cry. She’d flatlined as they pulled Melody from her stomach. I’d been ushered out of the room as they attempted to revive her.
I’ll never forget the sound of the monitor noise. I hear it in my dreams.
Shaking my head, I glance down at the grave marker then my daughter. Putting my fingers to my lips I kiss them then place them to the grave marker. “I love you Pixie. Always.”
Standing, a gust of wind whips around me. I make sure to wrap the blanket tighter around Melody not wanting her to get sick and head toward my truck.
As I go, I make a vow that no woman will ever come into my heart again. I refuse to let someone try to take what I gave away when I was sixteen. No one will ever be able to compare to my Pixie. The only other thing I need in this world besides my Melody is the music my band creates.
It's time to have people notice who the Demons Among Us are. I’ll do as Jamie told me. Starting with the song the guys and I recorded the day my Pixie left us— A Dark Lullaby.
The guys and I will become someone even if it’s local,
