His eyes burned into mine, and I knew he was trying to figure out where those words were coming from. I didn’t even realize it until they came out, then I sank lower in the bed pulling the covers up over my chest as if it would shield me from his scrutiny.
I tried to change the subject. “Why do you even have a bed?” I asked with a smile. “Or is it just for all the women you bring home?”
He smiled as if he knew I was trying to bait him. And instead of answering the question, he walked over and got in next to me, his legs brushing mine under the covers.
“Is it a problem for you? That I don’t sleep?” he asked.
I laughed softly partly because I felt like an idiot and partly because when he said it like that, it sounded silly. “No, it’s not a problem. Of course it’s not. You should do whatever you want at night. I mean, that’s a lot of hours to just be sitting here.”
“It goes by fast,” he said softly, his eyes tracing my face and moving down to the swell of my breasts above the covers. “I like to be in here with you. I like to see the moment you wake up.”
I swallowed. I liked having him next to me when I woke up too, but now it seemed ridiculous to ask that of him. “I know. It’s just that you don’t have to—”
Declan levered himself over the top of me so I was looking up into his gaze. He kissed me softly on the lips and said, “I could understand this better if you would just explain it to me. Then I could fix it or—”
“Fix it? There’s nothing to fix. It—” I broke off when I saw the look he was giving me. He was being patient and I was being petulant. I blew out a breath. “So, that relationship I told you about in college. That one that messed up my head and kind of made me weird about relationships?” Declan moved again, lowering himself to my side with a nod. He brushed his fingers on my cheek. “He…he spent a lot of time telling me things that he didn’t mean. Like how he loved me and how he wanted to spend forever with me. He also spent a lot of time telling me how I should dress, how I should look, how I should fuck him.”
Declan’s fingers stilled in my cheek and he cursed quietly. When he realized I’d stopped talking, he touched my cheek again. “Sorry. Go on.”
“I, uh…constantly felt like I was doing something wrong. It wasn’t often that he would come over to my dorm room to stay the night. Only if he was bored and had nothing else to do. He would come over to get what he wanted, but he would never stay. He’d always say he had somewhere to go or classes to study for. And for as much as he said he loved me, I always wondered why I woke up alone. Even when I went to his place, he would always tell me that I needed to leave, that his roommate was a light sleeper, or that he had early classes and he didn’t want to wake me.” I shrugged like it didn’t matter, though the unfairness of it all and how stupid I’d been still bugged me. “Anyway, I saw how ridiculous it was after the fact. After I met Xander and he pointed it out to me and told me that Tate was totally using me. I saw that it wasn’t love. And it wasn’t even healthy.”
I shrugged again and fell silent, not knowing what else to say. But I had finally opened up and told Declan, and I could see right there as plain as day that was the root of my concern about him sleeping in the same room as me. I supposed I equated him not being there the whole night with him not wanting to be there.
“It’s silly, I know. It’s not fair to expect you to be here—”
“It’s not silly.” Declan leaned in to drop a kiss on my lips. “It’s not silly, and I get it. I completely get it. It brings you comfort to have me here and it shows you how I feel about you.”
“I know how you feel about me, and you don’t have to be here to prove that.”
“For now, let’s make it simple. I’ll be here when you fall asleep and I’ll be here when you wake up. Because I want to be. And because it means something to you. And if there’s something else I need to do, I’ll let you know. It has nothing to do with me wanting to be here. I promise you.”
I nodded and smiled at him. “I know that.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
“Good.” Declan reached out and turned off the light by the bed. Then he hooked one of his legs over mine. He was like a furnace, but it felt good. It made me feel warm and wanted.
All I could hear was his quiet breathing and feel the heat of his body near mine.
“Thank you for telling me,” Declan murmured.
“Thank you for listening. I don’t really like to talk about that time in my life, probably because it makes me feel so out of control. But I’m glad you know. I’m glad you understand where my craziness comes from sometimes.
“Not craziness. Human-ness.”
I smiled to myself. “Well, now you know one of my weaknesses. But you don’t seem to have any.”
I felt him brush his fingers down my cheek and then trail over my jaw, down my neck to my collarbone, making me shiver. “My weakness,” he said simply, “is you.”
#
When I
