The first few days I was positive she would come. I thought I saw it in her eyes that she wanted to meet me.
There are different varieties of self-consciousness, and this was the good one. At least that’s what I believed.
Day three, doubts crept in.
Day four, five, six, I hung on by fewer threads.
Now it’s May 7th and my skin is crawling because what if she’s been walking by my apartment this whole time and I could’ve tried another tactic? Or at least offered to watch her house if she needed someone there. Maybe just that suggestion would’ve been what she needed.
At 3:45 I finally acquiesce to the idea that she isn’t coming. Jogging up the park’s stone steps in the heat, a sliding bead of sweat travels down my spine. I mess my hair out of frustration, launching myself on 114th St. and heading home.
When I walk in the door, a cloud of marijuana smoke greets me. Waving my hands because it’s so thick, I snap, “Daniel, open a window.”
He glances over from the couch and yet another fucking video game. “What?”
“Nevermind.” Our refrigerator is empty. “Daniel, you ate my food.” I slam the door and glare at him.
“What’s got into you?”
Quick strides bring me to the blessed window, and I yank it up, and duck outside to escape the smoke. Taking a seat and knowing full well that this is where I spotted her last, my head hangs as I scoop in deep breaths of fresh air.
The window creeks open. I look over to see Daniel peering out. “Tonk, what’s up? You’re never in a bad mood, man. I’ve eaten your food for over a year and you’ve never said anything before.”
I blink at him in a stupor. “And that makes it okay? You knew this whole time that you were eating my food and you still did it?” I can hear my harshness. This isn’t like me at all. He waits for me to settle into my true body, shake it out. I take a couple deep breaths and stare ahead at the park where I’ve been hoping to help someone I care about. Helpless, I mutter, “I met this girl that I can’t shake.”
“You didn’t shake her out when you just shook it all out?” he jokes, and loses the smile when he sees I’m not kidding around. “So what happened? She rebuff you? She break your heart or something? I didn’t even know you were dating anyone special.”
“I wasn’t. Just ran into her a few times. Then I invited her to meet me down by that statue.” I pause, locking eyes with him. He nods and I continue, “She didn’t show.”
His arm is straining under our old window, so he pushes it higher and eases his body out of harm’s way to join me. We wince as the thing slams shut. The Super said he’d come and fix it. That’s never happened.
“Tonk, you know what I know about women? Even they don’t know what they want. They say they want a relationship, man, but they don’t. They want to play games. They want to tug you around. They want to keep you on a string like you’re some kinda cat chasing a ball of yarn.”
Staring at the drifting leaves across the street, I sigh, “I don’t think it’s that. I’m worried. She’s with somebody. I think she lives with him.”
He purses his lips with subtle surprise. “Never saw you as the house-breaker type.”
“I think he might be abusing her.” Daniel and I stare at each other for a few meaningful moments as this sinks in.
We return to staring forward at the beautiful day. He’s processing how he can help me with this situation. “What’re you gonna do about it, Tonk? How do you even know? Are you sure?”
“She must live just north of where I take classes. I can search for her around my schedule and not lose any classwork. If I get home before the time I saw her walking by, I can remain vigilant and have a goal.” I point at the sidewalk below.
“She walked right by here?”
“Yeah. I was shocked too. We conversed a bit. Walked together for a while. Felt really good to talk with her. Anyway…” I hang my head.
He claps a friendly hand on my shoulder and gives it a shake. “Hang in there. You’ll find a way.”
I flick him a glance. “Think so?”
“Tonk, ever since you moved in with me I’ve thought, now this is one special dude. I can’t really explain it, but you’re different. If you’ve got this feeling in your gut about this girl, I have no doubt you’ll find a way to make it happen.”
Inhaling through my nose, I stare out at pigeons flying by. They flutter over as if they want to sit on the railing, maybe have a chat, but decide against it.
Do pigeons mate for life?
I’ve never looked into it.
And I haven’t come across it in my many studies. But growing up in a household where marriages stick, I’ve always known I wanted that for myself one day.
A t class tonight, my usual professor has been replaced by Professor Miller, due to a food poisoning incident, she explains.
During class she treats me the same as any other student until time is up. I behave as I always do, asking more questions than anybody else, taking a slew of notes. But in the back of my mind I’m not really here.
How can a woman get into your head so much? How is it that one person can have an impact when you barely even spoken with them? Does fate exist, or is this just a chemical combination that works for me?
As I gather my things to leave with everybody else, Professor Miller says, “Mr. Lewis, can I have a word with you?”
Slowing my steps I separate from the herd and walk over to her with my eyebrows cocked.
“I find it refreshing to have a student in a class I sub
