The answer came quietly from the corner of my mind. How could he? It wasn’t like I had shared anything with him. It wasn’t like we’d spent hours talking about me or allowing him to get to know me. Just like everyone else in my life, I’d kept him at arm’s length. How could they possibly know me if I never gave them the chance? How could I be pissed about him assuming I was playing, assuming I was a liar if he never had the chance to really get to know me. The real me, the inside deeper me that wasn’t always easy to get to know. I shook my head and kicked the upper bunk. Why was everything always my fault?
Because after more reflection, which wow was I getting sick of that, it was truly my fault. If I never let anyone in, if I assume no one really wants to get to know me, if I allow myself to be in conversations, but not contribute because I don’t think I have anything to contribute, then who else can I blame for being misunderstood? How could they possibly understand me?
Even Leah had tried to get to know me, and although I had told her some things, I had kept the biggest secret about me to myself. I hadn’t allowed her to even know the real me and had gotten annoyed when she tried to get to know more about me.
Uggghh! Growth sucked.
Whose idea was it to be stronger and better? What a stupid new year’s resolution. I gathered my things and headed to the shower. I returned to the room to find Crystel and her girlfriend had just started a movie.
“Hey, Savanah, did you wanna watch with us?”
I shook my head politely, “no, still not supposed to be watching movies.” I pointed to my head.
“When is your next checkup?” Crystel asked, pulling the popcorn out of the microwave.
“I have an appointment in four days.” I grabbed some clothes and a few other things and headed back out to the bathroom. I hadn’t expected anyone to be in the room. It kinda messed up my plan of continuing to pout and be pathetic.
I changed, got myself fairly presentable, and stomped out of the bathroom. Shoving my earbuds in my ears, I headed back to the room.
I tossed my stuff on my bed, smiling at them as I grabbed my coat and a large print book. It felt so strange to read large print, since my eyes were perfectly fine. However, I had been told that large print was easier on the brain, and therefore was what I could start to read slowly. For only short periods of time.
I walked into the library and headed to the third floor. My usual spot was filled with a study group, so I kept going, finding that this was apparently study group night. Every nook and cranny seemed to be filled with people.
I gave up, heading out the doors. There had to be someplace. I saw the auditorium appeared dark, so I headed towards it, pulling my coat tight around my neck. The icy wind poked at my throat, trying to pry open the layers of my protective warmth.
I reached the doors and shivered as I walked in. The wall of windows behind me did little to keep the cold out as the drafty marble hall echoed each of my footfalls. I walked down the stairs and stopped short. The sofa was occupied by Tyler. He had headphones on, and didn’t seem to have noticed me, so I crept back up the stairs. The small breakout room stood open, and I slipped in. If I took the table closest to the door, I may be able to sit there and not be noticed when Tyler left.
Cracking my book open, I soon was immersed in work. Large print didn’t mean less work, just meant more pages. Time slipped through my fingers like sand, and I had no idea how long I sat there. Finally, my bladder demanded I set aside the reading. Part of me had missed being able to just sit and read, that it didn’t matter if it was simply required for a class.
I shuffled out of the bathroom and listened to see if I could hear Tyler downstairs still. I strained as I heard some type of techno music from the 90’s. The song was familiar, with a deep sexual message. I tiptoed down the first few steps. The door at the foot of the stairs had a window which now was glowing with flashing neon lights, pulsing to the beat of the music. What exactly was happening? This room had always been empty as far as I knew. I never heard of anyone having a class in Jewett, let alone an office.
As I crept, the music seemed to grow in volume, beats I could feel in my feet. My head began to swim, and I realized the bass combined with the reading was too much. Retreating up the stairs, I gathered my books and headed back to my room.
My days felt very lonely with Camryn gone. Not that I didn’t have other casual friends, but with my continued recovery, it kept me isolated. With all the extra hours at the tutoring center, getting help with papers, tests, quizzes, and everything in between, it felt like I was doing every class, every assignment twice. Work study had started picking up as well. January tended to be a popular time for high school seniors to start really making choices about where they planned to go for college. Tours were chilly this time of
