Chapter Eleven
Billy
I was halfway between panic attack and dreamworld. Me and Gus were kissing, like, really kissing, and my body was on fire, but as he spun us, seized my hips, and lifted me onto the counter as if I was made of fucking feathers, it fast became clear that he was better at this than I was.
Which made sense, as he’d probably last been with a bloke, like, yesterday or some shit.
Not yesterday. He was with you.
But still. Gus kissed me like we’d kissed a thousand times over. He pushed me back on the counter and covered me with his body, his weight pressing against every part of me that needed him most. I ached for him. My mind raced ahead. I pictured him tearing my clothes away, and then his. Imagined us naked and bent over the counter, him easing inside—
Fuck. I couldn’t cope. I clung to Gus, using his solid bulk to tie me down to the world.
Losing myself in his kiss was easy. Drowning in him, I slid my fingers into his short, silky hair, and roamed his muscular back with my other hand. God, he was anyone’s fantasy. He was my fantasy, and he had been ever since our first kiss all those years ago. I’d compared everyone to him, men and women, and thought of him often in moments I shouldn’t have.
He straightened up, taking me with him, our lips still fused together. He towed me to the hallway, the stairs, and before I knew it I was flat on my back on his bed.
Too fast. Too fast. I wanted Gus—fuck, I wanted him—but I wasn’t like him. I didn’t know how to do this. I couldn’t put my hands on him and be sure I was doing it right. I—
“Hey.”
Gus touched my face, sliding his palm along my jaw and cupping my cheek. We weren’t kissing anymore. His dark eyes were wide and serious.
Too serious. I’d fucked it up. Already.
“Hey,” he said again. “It’s okay, we don’t have to do anything. We can stop.”
“Stop?”
“Yeah. Stop. It doesn’t matter. We can go and eat more food and watch telly downstairs.”
As kiss addled as I was, I didn’t see how he could possibly eat more food, but that was a different conversation altogether. “I don’t want to stop.” God, I didn’t want to stop. “I just...”
“What?” Gus stroked his thumb over my cheekbone. “What is it?”
I couldn’t find the words to explain how much my desire for him scared me. That the race of my heart was so terrifying I didn’t know what to do with it. Being with him brought me to life in ways that were brand new. Everything with him was brand new. I trembled beneath him like a virgin who’d never been kissed. And perhaps I hadn’t been, not since him. Not really.
Gus shifted sideways. For a heart-stopping second, I feared he would roll away, but he didn’t. He settled beside me and laid his other hand on my heaving chest. “You know, we can just do this? It’s been a long time since I just snogged someone all night.”
“How long?”
“Forever. I don’t think I’ve ever done it.”
“Why not?”
Questions fell from me with little conscious thought. I didn’t want to contemplate how he’d spent his time in bed with other people if he wasn’t kissing them, but at the same time, I kind of wanted to know every single thing about him. I wanted to fill my mind with as much of him as possible, cos despite the fact his physical presence was giving me a heart attack, everything about him soothed my soul. Even the shit that made me rage with a possessive jealousy I had no right to feel.
Gus leant over me, his face close enough that his nose brushed mine. “I’ve never done it because I’ve never wanted to. You were the first person I ever kissed that made me feel anything.”
“Bullshit. We were grown men.”
“So? Fucking people isn’t the same as this.”
I don’t know if he meant to kiss me to emphasise his point, but the moment his lips touched me, I understood. Sensations soared, and yet melted away. My body cried out for more, but at the same time, kissing him was all I’d ever need.
Fearless, I rose up from the bed and pulled him on top of me. Unbearable heat pooled in my groin, and throwing my leg over his hip, anchoring us together, came so easily I didn’t question it. I kissed him back, over and over, and clung to him as he made a cradle for himself between my legs. His hard length found its place pressed along mine. We were grinding, and kissing, and grinding, and kissing, and I couldn’t see how we’d ever stop.
Gus
Kissing Billy seemed to last forever, but at some point we fell asleep, fully clothed and wrapped around each other like star-crossed lovers.
I woke to darkness sometime later. Billy was on his back and I was pressed against his side, one arm thrown possessively over him. He was clinging to my wrist as if he was scared of something, blunt nails digging into my flesh, scarred knuckles straining. I sat up on my elbow and unpeeled his fingers from me. He shifted and rolled to face me. I pulled him close, tucked him against my chest, and went back to sleep.
It was morning when I woke next. Billy was quiet and still. I figured him asleep. Then I felt his morning wood straining against mine, and realised he was wide awake. And hard.
Hard for me.
The tunnel vision I’d fallen asleep with returned full force, and I was on him before I could truly contemplate what I was doing. Kissing him was like breathing. An unconscious action, but at the same time, so conscious
