“How do you know?”
“Because I had it a little bit this morning. It’s why Luke wouldn’t let me come and get up in your face before now.”
Gus’s frown deepened. “I don’t remember this morning.”
“I think you were asleep for most of it.”
“Okay.”
It wasn’t okay. Nothing about seeing Gus like this was even close. But right now, it was all we had.
A nurse came and disconnected his IV so I could help him off the bed.
I steered him to the bathroom. He was dressed in a hospital gown that showed too much of his glorious body to the world for my liking, but his bed was close enough to the corridor that we didn’t pass anyone on the way.
In the bathroom, he leant on me while he relieved himself. Then I stood him against the sink while I went back for the toothbrush and toothpaste Mia had packed for him.
He brushed his teeth and washed his face, and when he looked at me again, his gaze seemed clearer than it had before. Brighter. He ran his fingers over the scruff on my jaw. “I’m sorry I’m such a mess.”
“Fuck off.”
“Rude.”
“Yeah. But I don’t want to hear you say that shit again. You nearly died—” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “The doctor told Mia you’re ridiculously lucky that fucking poison gas didn’t damage your brain, or kill you.”
“It didn’t kill me, though, did it? Because you came back for me. Fuck, I remember now.” Gus screwed his eyes shut and shook his head slightly. “You came back for me. Why did you do that?”
“Because leaving you was wrong. I shouldn’t have done it, and I’m not going to do it again. Like, ever. And I’m not going to leave Luke either. I’m so fucking sorry I made you think that. And that I made you feel like it was on you to stop me.”
Gus leant heavily on the sink. “Is that what happened?”
“I think so. I mean, I don’t know what else you had going on in your head at the time, but I know you felt like if I left Rushmere again, and me and Luke didn’t talk anymore, it would be all your fault for shagging me.”
“Wow. I really thought my dick had the power, huh?”
“I don’t know. But even if you don’t remember that, or this conversation, I need you to know I’m not going anywhere, okay? I love you, and I love my brother. I’m here to stay.”
“I love you too, but I think I’m too hungry to understand what the rest of it means.”
A sudden laugh burst from my chest, unnaturally loud in the cramped bathroom, but I didn’t care. If Gus was hungry, I could fix that. And if he loved me even a fraction of how much I loved him? Fuck. Maybe there was nothing we couldn’t fix.
Gus ate, then fell asleep. And when he woke again, he was lucid enough that I recognised the man staring at our joined hands.
He treated me to a slow smile. “I thought I’d dreamt you.”
“Nope. I’m right here making your nightmares come true.”
“As if. I didn’t think I’d get to do this again.”
“Do what?”
He raised our joined hands. “This. I thought I’d messed it up for good.”
“You didn’t mess it up. I did.”
“No, you really didn’t. I should’ve deleted Grindr off my phone the second I realised I couldn’t be with anyone else.”
“When was that?”
“About three seconds after you moved in.”
“That fast, eh?”
“Yeah. You...do something to me no one else ever has. It scares me, but if you meant what you said earlier about sticking around, I’m done running from it.”
“You remember what I said earlier?” Relief spread through me like soft summer rain. “No offence, but you were pretty out of it.”
“I remember.”
“Prove it.”
“How?”
“Tell me what I said.”
Gus shifted on the bed. “Okay, I don’t remember all of it, but you meant what you said, right? About loving me back? You weren’t just trying to make me feel better—”
I silenced him with a kiss. I’d tell him I loved him all day long if he needed me to, but knowing he remembered even half of our earlier conversation made me fucking giddy. “I wasn’t trying to make you feel better. I really do love you.”
Gus smiled before he sobered again with a frown I was sick of seeing. “I love you too, Billy. I really do. But I can’t get over how much that scares me. I’ve always been like this... I hit a roadblock when I get emotional. It’s like a wall goes up and I can’t see a way round it except the very worst thing, you know?”
“I know it. Have you ever met Luke?”
“I’m not like Luke. He gets there eventually.”
“You don’t?”
Gus shrugged and scrubbed a hand down his face. “I don’t know. I’m not explaining it very well.”
“Shift up then. We might be here awhile.”
“What time is it?”
“Late, but the ward sister said I can stay a bit longer if we’re quiet. She felt bad for me when you slept through visiting hours.”
“Sorry.” Gus moved up so I could perch on the side of his bed. My thigh pressed against his felt amazing, and it was almost enough to distract me from the turmoil clouding his tired gaze.
Almost. Because there was nothing about his pain I could ever ignore.
I bent down and kissed his forehead.
He smiled a little.
Not a lot, but enough to let me know he was okay.
I straightened the tubes on his face. “If you remember me confessing my undying love, I’m hoping you also remember the bit where I told you I’m not going anywhere. I’m so fucking sorry I lost my head over those messages. I’m just so used to the people around me being horrible pieces of shit, I forgot who you were.”
“So you believe me when I tell you I hadn’t been on Grindr for weeks before that all happened?”
“Yeah, but even if you had, that would be okay too. I mean,
