Gus made a frustrated noise. “Nothing that involved fucking other people. Jesus Christ, Billy. Is it that hard for you to accept you’re enough for me? That you have been from the start?”
Maybe it was. But Gus was the most honest soul I’d ever met, and we’d run out of time for old ghosts to say otherwise. I took his hands and squeezed them. “Okay. But I need you to understand it’s not a choice between you and Luke. If we fuck this up, you’re still stuck with me, because I’m not leaving my brother.”
“What if you and him fuck it up? Would you leave me?”
It was a fair question, and perhaps one that meant more to Gus than anything else. Everyone else had left—his mum, Mia, Luke. Even his wankstain married lover. And I had form for running out on shit I couldn’t handle. I’d done it to him at the first sign of trouble.
I’d done it yesterday when his stubborn silence had pushed me over the edge. If I hadn’t perhaps we’d be having this conversation at home, not in a hospital bed with him attached to tubes and wires and—
“Billy.” Gus gripped my chin. “Wherever you just went, don’t. I just need to know I’m not going to lose you to our combined bad habits. I’m not asking you to change your DNA.”
“I know that. It’s just...”
“What?”
“I can’t help thinking that if I’d stuck around yesterday instead of flouncing home on the bus, none of this would’ve happened. And that’s me being kind to myself. If I hadn’t been a dick a week ago, I’m even more sure you wouldn’t be lying in this bed.”
Gus snorted. “If we’re playing that game, how about if I hadn’t spent all week sulking, I wouldn’t have stayed late last night, and you wouldn’t have had to come back for me. You got hurt too, and that was my fault.”
“It wasn’t.”
“It really was. I’ve felt sick for days. Maybe if I hadn’t been stuck in my feelings I’d have realised something was wrong sooner.”
“When did you realise? Do you remember?”
Gus shook his head. “Not really. I remember you leaving, and hating myself for driving you away. Next thing I know I was in here and Mia was bollocking me for scaring her, so...”
“Yeah, you definitely drew the short straw there. I woke up to Luke, and he’s quiet at the best of times.”
“He wasn’t quiet when he was boinking my sister in my kitchen.”
I cringed. “Really?”
“Yeah. Really. If this—” he gestured between us “—is real life and not my imagination having a rave, I’m kind of looking forward to getting my own back.”
“You want to fuck me in Luke’s kitchen?”
Gus laughed for real this time, and something shifted back to the brief moment in time when life had been easy. When we’d had nothing on our minds but each other. “Maybe not literally, but I want you, Billy. For real, and for a long time. Is that okay with you?”
We were talking about far more than sex. But I was sold on both counts. I pressed my forehead to his and lost myself in his molten gaze. “It’s okay with me.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Three months later...
Gus
I was tired for a long time. Billy made me eat and go outside a lot, which helped, but it was early winter before I felt like myself again, and by then, the world—my world, at least—was a different place.
Billy was everything. Not just to me, but to Luke too. And Mia. Family dinners were loud, and funny, and long days at work were filled with laughter and the kind of bickering that made people happy. It was a trip I never wanted to end.
“Shame you had to nearly die to make it happen, eh?” Mia remarked one night when she caught me mooning over Billy and Luke building a pizza oven in Luke’s frosty garden. They were squabbling over the consistency of the cement, and they were both wrong, but observing them was far more fun than setting them straight.
“I didn’t nearly die. Don’t be so dramatic.”
Mia shot me a dark glare. “You have a selective memory.”
“I remember the important things.”
“You’re important, Gus.”
“I know.”
And for the first time in years, I did. How could I not when I woke up next to Billy every morning? Even when he was in a grumpy mood—he hadn’t changed that much—he still managed to let me know I mattered. And when he wasn’t in a grumpy mood? Yeah. I wanted to bottle that feeling so the whole world could have it.
Mia got up and fetched more beer from the outdoor fridge, but I waved away her offer of a cold stubby. Getting drunk reminded me too much of how I’d felt when I’d nearly lost my equilibrium for good.
Besides, I had plans for Billy when we got home...plans I’d been formulating since the morning I’d opened my eyes to clear vision and a head that didn’t pound every time I bent over.
As if he’d heard the dirty path my thoughts had taken, Billy glanced over his shoulder. He smirked, and I smirked right back, much to Mia’s disgust, but I ignored her complaints. Her and Luke had driven me half mad before she’d moved out of my place. It was only fair that I returned the favour, even if I was grateful that the strength of her relationship with Luke had landed Billy in my spare room in the first place.
Grateful didn’t seem a strong enough word.
Mia disappeared inside. I thought about following her to help with the dishes, but I was too enchanted by Billy to move. I watched him win the argument over the cement and lay the bricks for the dome of the wood-fired oven. He moved his hands with grace, and his tongue was caught between his teeth. The bricks were going to fall down, but I’d learned over the last few months that failure didn’t mean you couldn’t
