My mind drew on memories of visiting the scullery. “Hope restored.” My lips tilted in a sly smile.
I hid my book under the mattress and shoved the clothes in the bag, making sure to stash it behind the dresser before making my way downstairs.
“Morning, miss.” The butler dipped his chin in greeting.
“Morning.”
I slowed my pace until he had disappeared from sight before resuming my chase. The maids would have done the washing and pegged it out to dry. My timing could not have been more perfect.
Casually, I skirted through the utility areas, greeting the staff as I went. I received some curious looks. I supposed it had been a while since I had graced them with my presence. Not through my own discretion. The bowels of the house were more a home to me than the grandiose upper levels. Thanks to my adventures as a young girl, I could map these rooms by memory.
I exited the scullery and went directly to the line. My heart leapt at what I found. Everything I could need was there for the taking. It was as if I had planned it. Or at least received a helping hand from those unaware of my scheme.
Heart pounding, I checked my surroundings for witnesses, finding none. After retrieving a couple of shirts and buckskins, I made quick work of tying my petticoats into a pouch of sorts and securing the items undercover.
I straightened and clasped my hands in front before strolling my way to the courtyard. Eyes darting around for any threat of discovery, I refrained from wiping the sweat trailing down my neck as I made my retreat. This time, I used an alternate entrance before travelling to my quarters.
I closed myself in, leaning against the door as I took in a deep breath. “I did it.”
I could have smiled, but my small victory was superseded by the tragedy of it all. I should not have had to perform that mission at all.
After adding my acquisitions to the satchel, I stuffed it back in its hiding spot before returning to the window seat. Sebastian wheeled a cart stacked with straw on a path to the stables.
“All I ask for is one more chance to show him the magnitude of my love before I go.” I sent the prayer, hoping it would be fulfilled.
Wishing I could ask for forever.
‘Twas not to be.
I would take the bag with me when attending the foaling.
And then I would leave.
_____
Ben
Brisbane, Australia
26th of December, 2016, 7:22 p.m.
He was so perfect. How could something so tiny and so perfect be the cause of so much agony?
How could the most beautiful moment of my life also be the most tragic?
Why?
I fitted the tip of my finger into Seb’s little palm and bowed my head, squeezing my eyes shut as hard as I could. Was I trying to keep the memory of my wife’s death out, or was I trying to keep the picture of my newborn son at the forefront of my brain? I couldn’t separate the two.
The tug of war between joy and pain, wonder and denial—it pulled apart my insides. A giant fissure dividing me into mourner and father. Pressing a kiss to the top of his soft, fuzzy head, I leashed my grief. He needed me to show him love. To prove to him I could be strong for him.
He smells divine. Andrea would love his smell.
They’d revived her. Three times.
She was upstairs, plugged into God knew how many machines, pumps, and bags of fluid draining life back into her veins. It all seemed a hopeless waste to me. My wife was no longer in that body. I couldn’t feel her. And still, I couldn’t let her go. How long would it be until they suggested I pull the plug? I’d never be capable of making that decision.
Once he was strong enough, they’d laid Seb on her chest as the machine inflated and deflated her lungs in a calculated sequence. His little body had squirmed with life while hers only moved under artificial instruction.
It had broken my heart.
I’d had to bring him back down to the nursery, leaving half the fleshy beating organ in my chest behind. The last thing I’d wanted to do was leave her side, but Seb needed a parent.
I needed her to stitch me together again.
This was all my fault and I couldn’t fix it. Couldn’t fix her.
Seb made a little squeaky noise as he stretched his arm and flopped his head to the other side. The remaining half of my heart hiccupped.
“Ben.”
I lifted my head. “Mum.” My mouth shaped the name without any sound.
Her knuckles strained where she gripped the straps of her handbag. Her pained gaze dropped to the bundle I held against my chest, shoulders rising as she took in a breath. She stepped into the room, nodding to the nurse who sat at the desk in the corner.
The only other occupant was a tiny baby with a shock of black hair. There were several empty cradles pushed together in the space to the rear. They had little use for this room now that babies stayed with their mothers. The only reason a baby would be in here was if the mother needed a break for a little while. Or if she was unable to care for the baby.
I couldn’t get my head around the fact that I’d soon be bringing Seb home without Andy.
After pulling a chair over, Mum took a seat across from me and placed her palms on my knees. “How
