I shook my head, unable to speak through the firm clamp my emotions formed around my throat.
She reached out and gently touched Seb’s head. “He’s beautiful.”
I nodded, pressing my lips shut.
Cradling him in my palms, I leaned forward and passed him to her. She took him against her chest, tears forming in her eyes. “He looks just like his daddy.”
I tapped a finger near my eye and shook my head. He had his mother’s eyes. I needed to point that out. Needed to include Andy in the equation. Seb had as much of her in him as he did me. She wasn’t gone yet. I had to believe she was still fighting.
I stood, motioning a drinking action with my hand before going to the bubbler in the hallway. Maybe if I forced a cup of water down my throat it might open. I might be able to fill my lungs to capacity for the first time since Andy’s waters had broken.
I held the plastic in my hand, staring at the bubbles rising in the dispenser of water. It looked about the same size as her stomach had been. All that fluid had come gushing out. Had I caused any damage, giving her all those orgasms?
My hand crushed the cup, spilling the drink over the sides. “Shit.”
Hmph. Got my voice back. I chugged the rest of the liquid and threw out the cup before going into the nursery to find paper towels.
After cleaning up, I took my seat next to Mum. “Thanks for coming.”
She smiled, resting her cheek on Seb’s head. “Do they know what happened?”
“Placental ab-something. The placenta was detaching from the wall of the uterus. There was so much blood.” I leaned forward on my knees, holding the weight of my head in my hands. “They think some of the amniotic fluid got into her bloodstream causing a bad reaction.” I dropped my arms and faced my mother. “They did a hysterectomy.”
She gasped, causing the baby to stir. “Shh, sh, sh. It’s okay, bubba. Nanna’s here.” The rhythmic sound of her hand patting his nappy mimicked the ticking of a clock.
Were we counting down my wife’s final hours or were we adding up the minutes of my son’s life?
Push, pull. Give, take.
“Have they said anything more?”
“She’s going to be on life support for a little while. Her oxygen levels dropped and she lost a lot of blood. We don’t know what damage was done yet.”
“Oh, God.”
Yeah. Oh, God.
Where the fuck was he when we needed him?
Andrea
Rockhampton, Australia
16th of May, 2009
I pulled out my new lingerie. I’d bought the bra and knickers set with the money I’d earned helping Peter at his office over the Christmas holidays. It was pink. It was see-through organza with lace decals placed in strategic positions. It would drive Ben wild. If he would let me show him. Six months we’d been dating and his hands hadn’t ventured underneath my clothes once.
They’d explored outside. Many times. His stoicism was not a virtue. Jesus, I was ready to rip his clothes off every time he walked in to my room. Tonight, I wanted to be ready. Just in case. I didn’t want to expect anything, but my God, I was horny.
I slipped the straps up my arms and leaned forward to jiggle my girls into place. Stepping into the G-string, I smoothed the elastic over my hips. If I looked in the mirror, I might lose my nerve. The reflection might speak of a girl on the verge of seventeen rather than a woman needing to be loved by her man. I’d been through enough that I’d grown beyond my years. I needed him. I wanted him. And if it should happen, it would be the final passage into womanhood.
I put on my comfy shorts and a tank top. He had a thing for the shorts. He could never stop staring at my legs when I wore them. Looking at the box on my bed, I smiled. The final weapon in my arsenal. His celibacy and my virginity were toast. Ah. Expectations were such a bitch. Or maybe it was hormones.
I trotted to the kitchen where I enlisted Bree’s help to make dinner.
“Should we save some for Ben?” She took the cutlery from the drawer.
“He didn’t say he wasn’t coming. He would’ve told me if that was the case.” I served the steaming lasagne onto our plates and put the leftovers back in the oven to keep warm.
We ate it in front of the TV, watching some reality garbage. My leg jiggled as I checked the time. Seven-thirty. He’s usually here by now. I’d hoped tonight would be pivotal for me. Maybe he’d forgotten to let me know he was busy? Doubt tried to sneak in to dim my shine. I glanced at the front door too many times to count.
Relax.
He’s coming.
“Yes!” Thank you for the confirmation.
“Huh?” Bree turned to me, confusion evident in the bunch of her brow.
I needed to learn to keep my thoughts to myself. “Time to clean up. Come and help me?”
“You’re way too excited about the dishes.”
So excited. “Life’s short. You’ve gotta find the joy in everything.”
I hit the volume on the remote control and shook my butt to Flo Rider. Gloved hands dipping into the suds, I scrubbed another pot while Bree dried the dishes.
“Is Ben still coming over?” She shook out the tea towel.
We both turned at the knock on the door. I flashed my teeth, took off the gloves, and ran to let him in.
“Hey. Sorry I’m late. Adam and I were having some bro time.” His scent hit me—that mix of sawdust and soap that had me melting on the inside.
His eyes wandered over my body before he leaned in for a kiss. “Are
