“No. You stay,” Mom directed firmly. Wesley obediently sat down, his book bag at his feet. Mom shook her head and sighed deeply. She set her purse down on the kitchen table and rounded the sofa, sitting down across from me on the coffee table. I couldn’t imagine what she was feeling.
“I’m sorry!” I shouted through my tears, burying my face in my hands. She hated me. I was making her go through this all over again. How could she ever forgive me?
“Toren, calm down,” she said, lowering her face to look in my eyes. “Toren, I’m not angry. Or upset, or disappointed,” she said, but I was barely paying attention. I squeezed my eyes shut, and my body shook with my sobs. “Oh, this is all my fault,” she whispered, touching her hand to her forehead.
“I’m… I’m sorry…,” I whimpered pathetically. Then I felt her hand on my knee.
“Toren, listen to me. Toren?” She waited for me to look up at her, but I couldn’t. “I’m sorry, Toren. I’m so sorry,” she said, pressing down on my knee. “I should’ve talked to you sooner. I’m not upset, Toren. Are you listening?” I glanced up at her through blurry eyes, and she smiled softly. “I’m not upset. I should’ve talked to you sooner. I knew what happened between your dad and me had an enormous effect on you, and I said all those terrible things to him right in front of you. If I could, I would take them all back. But I never meant to hurt you. I never wanted you to be afraid to be yourself because of what I might think. I love you more than anything, and I just want you to be happy. And to be honest, I’m proud of you. You did something your father couldn’t do until he was thirty-five. I’m proud that you were able to discover the truth about yourself while you’re still young. You won’t have to suffer the way he did for so many years.” I glanced up at Mom and her face was soft and kind, accepting, and my tears rolled freely down my cheeks. Mom lifted my chin, our eyes met, and she smiled. “And I think you have Wes, in part, to thank for that.”
I blushed and looked down. I could feel Mom and Wesley staring at me. Mom smiled at Wesley, and my heart felt lighter. I rubbed at the tears in my eyes with the back of my hand, and Mom tapped my knee with her index finger.
“I just want you to be happy, sweetheart. I never want you to feel like you have to hide because you’re afraid of what I might think.” She looked around the living room and scooted closer to me. “I hate to drop all this on you and then leave, but I gotta get back to work. I forgot my wallet and I gotta go,” she said, pushing down on her knees to stand up. She patted my head and trotted off down the hall.
I didn’t look at Wesley yet, just stared at the empty space where Mom had sat on the coffee table. A moment later, Mom returned with a large brown wallet and stuffed it in her purse on the kitchen table. She kissed the top of my head and walked to the front door.
“I love you, sweetheart. I’ll see you later. You boys be good,” she said and then left.
After a long moment, when the whirlwind finally died down, Wesley leaned back into the sofa and put his feet up on the table. He laced his fingers behind his head and sighed noisily. He glanced at me sideways and then looked toward the ceiling.
“That was… pretty cool,” he said. “Your mom is really amazing.”
I nodded; my voice wasn’t settled yet. The tears receded a bit, and I breathed in air as if I had been holding my breath for a long time. She didn’t hate me. She wasn’t disgusted. I was so afraid that she would never want to see me again. She said she was proud of me. She didn’t hate me.
“What exactly happened between your folks?” Wesley asked, rolling his head on the back of the sofa to look at me.
“They….” I cleared my throat and sniffled. “They got divorced when I was about twelve. My dad left her for… another man. She said all these horrible things to Dad, screamed them at him. We lived in kind of a small town, so everyone found out and eventually he moved away. Me and Alycia were teased about it and everyone kinda looked at Mom in a different way. Like it was her fault or something.”
“That must’ve been really hard… for both of them,” Wesley murmured, putting his arm around my shoulders.
He was right. It must’ve been so hard to find out that the person you loved wasn’t in love with you. I couldn’t even imagine what that might feel like.
“But I guess I can understand how your dad felt. I mean, I struggled with my feelings for a while too,” Wesley considered aloud.
I looked down to my lap and my eyes welled up. I had always blamed my dad for what happened, but I guess it must’ve been hard for him too. To find the strength, the courage, to tell Mom the truth, to accept it himself, after so many years… after marriage and two kids.
I glanced at Wesley, his words echoing in my head. “You… you had trouble too?” It was hard to imagine; he was always so confident.
“Yeah,” he answered awkwardly, looking away. “I went out with girls because I was supposed to. But I didn’t feel anything. I mean, I would catch myself watching other guys, but I just ignored the feeling. Then… then I saw you. I guess you were the first crush I ever really acknowledged. I wanted to talk to you, get to know you. I wanted to do more than that,” he said, blushing lightly. Then
