I waved goodbye to Mark, then looked at Wesley. “C’mon, let’s go get lunch. My treat!” I said, taking Wesley’s hand briefly. He followed and smiled back at me and we went to the cafeteria in the University Mall. There was a McDonald’s, a Subway, and a Domino’s, and Wesley got a pizza and I got a sub. We shared our lunches, but Wesley wasn’t eating very much. He seemed a little off; not exactly depressed, but definitely not himself. I asked him if something was bothering him, but he denied it, explaining that he was just tired. He had been busy at work the past couple of days, so I accepted his excuse without question. I told him about my math quiz and he said he would see if he could help. He was lucky; he could just read the textbook and understand it while I needed it spelled out for me. Wesley sipped his soda and sighed heavily.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” I asked again, taking another slice of pizza. I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was bothering him.
“Yeah, I’m just tired,” he reiterated and sighed again.
“You’re not acting like yourself. I want my old Wesley back,” I said, brushing his hand on the table. He smiled, but it was like he was appeasing me. I glanced at the clock and looked at Wesley. I was disappointed that I had to go to class. “Thank you so much for coming to see me. It was the nicest present,” I said, putting all the trash on the tray.
“No problem. I thought it would be fun to surprise you,” he said, standing up and taking the tray.
We walked outside and Wesley walked with me to the Liberal Arts building. I took his hand and squeezed it quickly.
“Well, I gotta get to class. I should be home around five thirty. So, I’ll see you when I get home, okay? I love you,” I said, smiling warmly and hoping that he would cheer up.
“All right. I’ll see you later. Love you too.” He waved over his shoulder and I watched him walk away.
I made a late dinner of chicken noodle soup for us because I thought that maybe Wesley was getting sick. But he had two bowls of soup and two slices of toast. We watched TV quietly, but Wesley didn’t seem to be paying attention; his mind was somewhere else. I snuggled close to him on the sofa, resting my head against his shoulder. His arm was resting on the back of the sofa, but he didn’t ruffle my hair or put his arm around my shoulders. I was pressed close to him, but he kept his gaze on the TV.
“Do you think we’ll be together forever?” Wesley asked, out of the blue.
“I don’t believe in forever,” I answered devilishly, though it was true.
“Huh?”
I felt Wesley’s body tense beside me and I pushed my head against his shoulder. “Forever is a long time. It’s not even quantifiable. You can’t promise something you don’t know.”
Wesley sighed. “I was hoping for something a little more reassuring.”
“I think we’ll be together as long as we both want to be. People change over time, but I think we’ll be okay as long as we make each other happy,” I said, hoping that reassured him.
“But you’re already changing, aren’t you?” Wesley whispered, nearly inaudibly.
“What?”
“You’re already changing,” he repeated. “You’ll outgrow me one day. While you’re going to school, meeting new people, and learning new things, I’ll still be in the same place.”
He continued staring at the TV with a blank look on his face. My stomach felt hollow. He didn’t really feel that way, did he?
“What are you even talking about?” I asked, sitting up and looking into his eyes. He turned his gaze from the TV to the floor.
“Five years from now, you’ll have your degree and a good job, and your life will be totally different from mine. You deserve someone who can keep up with you, who’ll grow and change with you, someone smarter and more interesting than me. Someone who won’t hold you back.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” I shouted, jolting Wesley with the tone of my voice. It was the first time I ever raised my voice to him, and my eyes teared up. “Who cares about the future? I wanna be with you now, but you sound like you wanna break up!”
Wesley stared at me for a long moment, then shook his head. “I don’t want to break up. I wanna be with you forever, but I also want you to be happy and I don’t want to hold you back. I can’t help thinking about the future and my place in yours. You’ve got a ton to offer, Toren, and I just….”
I swallowed hard and wiped away the tears on my cheeks. I didn’t understand what he was talking about and I didn’t know what to say. I felt Wesley staring at me, but I couldn’t look at him.
“Just forget it. Forget I said anything,” Wesley murmured, furrowing his brows and standing up. “I’m just tired and my mind’s not quite all there,” he said with a forced laugh. “Want something to drink?”
I shook my head. I felt miserable inside and now Wesley was acting like nothing had happened. When he came back from the kitchen with a beer, he sat down with his arm around my shoulders. We watched TV quietly until I went to bed around eleven. Wesley said he was tired, but he didn’t come to bed. I waited for him and realized I had trouble falling asleep without his arm draped over my waist. I had gotten so used to his warmth that my entire body felt cold without him. When he finally did come to bed, he lay down with his back to me. My heart hurt and I felt like he was out of reach, even though he was lying right next to
