I GOT ready for school while Wesley slept. I felt awful and tired, but I went to school anyway. I didn’t know how to talk to Wesley today. When I said goodbye, he smiled and lifted his head from the pillow, told me to have a good day and that he loved me. He sounded normal, but he usually got up with me on his days off. We’d have breakfast together, then he’d take a nap while I was at school. Nothing was right this morning, and the stress tightened knots in my stomach.
I went to my first class, but it was pointless; I couldn’t concentrate on anything. Between classes, I went to the Mall and got a soda and a muffin. I sat down at an empty table and wondered how I went from feeling so happy yesterday afternoon to feeling so miserable today. I was so excited that Wesley came to visit me, but he hadn’t seemed like himself yesterday afternoon either. I wondered what on earth was making him act so strange.
“Hey, Toren!” Josh shouted from across the cafeteria. “What’s going on?” he asked when he neared my table.
I sighed quietly and forced a smile. “Nothing. How are you?”
“Pretty good. You ready for bio?”
“Yeah, I guess.” I sighed again. I sighed with every breath I took. I collected the muffin and straw wrapper and stood up. Josh followed me as I dumped it into the trash bin and walked to the side exit.
“Are you okay?” Josh asked, tilting his head to the side. “You seem kinda down today.”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said. “I’m just tired. And something’s bothering Wesley, but he won’t talk to me about it.”
“Hmm. Wonder if he took what I said to heart,” Josh mused aloud, looking up at the sky as we walked toward the Sciences building.
“What do you mean?” I asked, following Josh’s eyes to the light gray clouds overhead.
“I ran into him yesterday on campus. It was pretty funny; he looked so out of place here,” Josh said, then looked at me. “Seriously, Toren, you need to leave that guy behind. He’s just gonna hold you back.”
“What?” I stopped and glared at Josh. “Just what the hell did you say to him?” My stomach tightened, and I balled my hands into fists. Josh looked at me and seemed amused.
“I just told him the truth: that you deserved better. You’re just limiting yourself by staying with him.”
“Shut up! Just shut up! You don’t know me, and you sure as hell don’t know Wesley! He’s a hell of a lot better than you could ever be! Don’t you ever talk to him again!” I shouted. “Just leave us alone!” Josh’s face contorted in a strange emotion mixed with surprise and I felt him staring holes into my back.
As I hurried to the bus stop, everything seemed to make sense in a disconnected way. Now I knew why Wesley seemed out of it. Josh had put salt in an already sensitive wound. Wesley was always insecure about his intelligence; his parents always told him that he wasn’t as smart as his brother was and that he could never be as successful. Now, Josh told him that he wasn’t smart enough to be with me. I wished the bus would get me home faster.
I opened the front door and shouted Wesley’s name. He stood up, startled, from the sofa and looked at me. Tears began to fall from my eyes and I wiped them away.
“Wha… I thought you were in class till six,” Wesley said, surprised to see me and no doubt wondering about the tears in my eyes.
I stared at him for a moment, trying to think of something to say. My tears streamed down my cheeks and I ran into him with my book bag still on my back. “You big… stupid… dummy!” I shouted, failing to express my feelings more accurately. “Why didn’t you tell me you talked to Josh yesterday?” I asked, pulling my head back and looking up at Wesley. “Why do you believe what a jerk like that says? Why don’t you believe me?”
Wesley stared at me bewildered for a moment, then put his hands on my shoulders. I felt calmer just with his touch. “I’m sorry. I just… I don’t know,” Wesley mumbled awkwardly.
“When I say ‘I love you,’ I mean it! I don’t want to be with anyone else. You’re the only one that can make me happy. So why don’t you believe me when I tell you? Do I not tell you enough? Or show you? I know you mean it when you say you love me, so how can I make you believe me?” I rambled, asking questions that I didn’t even understand. I was making this his fault again, but I knew it was mine. I knew his insecurities, and I did nothing to help make him stronger. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry, Wesley!”
“Toren, calm down,” Wesley said, gripping my shoulders tighter. But I shook my head. Wesley felt bad yesterday and I only made him feel worse. “Toren, c’mon,” he said, then slid his hands around my back and pulled me close. I felt his hand ruffle my hair and his fingertips between my shoulder blades. I could feel his ribs when he took a deep breath, and I could hear my own heart beating.
“I’m sorry,” I whimpered.
“For what? There’s nothing for you to be sorry for.”
“But I knew. I knew something was bothering you and I didn’t….”
“It’s okay. I was just feeling sorry for myself and I took it out on you. I just… I can’t help but worry that I don’t deserve to be with you,” he whispered.
“Don’t even say that! I don’t deserve to be with you,” I answered, lowering my eyes. “I love you so much it scares me sometimes. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“I feel the same way. It is kinda scary, but I do know that I wanna be with you. Forever. Regardless if
