“Then she should be the one to ride, Beau.”
“No, she saw how much this would mean to you, darlin’. She wouldn’t take that away from you.”
I felt bad that I’d taken away her horse, but I knew that she would want me to do this. Reagan always had a way of knowing exactly what people needed when they needed it the most. It was one of the many reasons I loved her. She knew by allowing me to work her horse and borrow it would make me feel like I was in control of something. Training. Getting Oakley back into shape, even though technically she wasn’t out of shape.
We worked for about half an hour. Loped in large circles and practiced some lead changes. Beau stayed the whole time watching and giving tips. I’d seen him running barrels a time or two. Nothing was sexier than Beau Montgomery in a black Stetson, black t-shirt, Levi jeans, and flare chaps flying on the back of a midnight gray horse like they’d been gifted wings.
It was time for cooling down so I hopped off Oakley and decided to hand walk her. Beau came up to us and started walking too.
“Hey Beau, can I ask you something?”
“Anything, you know that Cass.”
The words were spewing from my mouth faster than I could contain them. It’d been a burning question since I realized I hadn’t seen Trent Montgomery since I’d been back. This was his farm, of course.
“What happened to your dad? He was thriving when I left town. And I know my askin’ is all types of nosey and it’s probably inappropriate to ask, but I think if we’re truly gonna do this then all cards should be on the table.”
“I’m an open book, Cassidy Mae. You should know that especially for you.” The look on his face was so warm, so open. He was telling the truth. “Papa passed a while back. He started getting sick and the first thing we thought was diabetes. He had all the right signs. Took him in to see the doc and they ran a bunch of tests on him. Doc couldn’t figure it out. Finally came back after a second opinion and found out it was pancreatic cancer.”
My heart sank and water filled the hollows of my eyes. To lose someone was such a horrible loss. But to lose someone you loved after watching them slowly weaken was a worse fate. I remember when my gran had cancer. It’d been an agonizing couple of months watching her fade away into nothing. That had been the first time I’d truly felt sadness. Loss. Desperation. Sadly, just a few short years later I’d gone through a worse loss. One of my own body. My own child. “I’m so sorry, Beau. That must have been hard on you and Reagan.”
He reached over and squeezed my hand. “It sucked, there’s no better way to say it. Luckily, it took him quickly, only a couple weeks after diagnosis. It was about seven weeks in total. I was grateful that it wasn’t more. He didn’t suffer as much.”
Tears continued to fall down my face. Emotionally stressed as I was, I thought I could handle talking to Beau about his dad, but this news was overwhelming. My thoughts and emotions in a jumble over what could have been.
“Cass?” He stopped me and Oakley from walking. Concern etched into every hard outline of his perfectly male face.
“I’m okay… Don’t worry about me. Just hormonal.”
“Cassidy Mae, don’t you dare lie to me. I know it’s more than that. I thought by now you’d feel comfortable enough to share things with me.”
“I lost a baby about ten months ago, Beau.” The words slipped from my lips before I had the chance to reel them back in. I choked up and tears fell harder. Shivers overtook my body and my knees buckled under the weight of my despair. Beau grabbed Oakley’s reins before meeting me on the ground.
“Oh darlin’. Come here.” He said holding out his arms to me. And I wanted all the comfort this man could give me. I crawled into his lap and he rocked me as he held me tightly. Like he knew I needed to be loved at that moment.
“I…I had just found out that morning. I’d been… so… so happy. Thrilled beyond belief. Something I’d wanted for so long was coming true. I knew that things with Andrew hadn’t been the best they could be, but I thought he’d be happy. We’d created something special. A small part of both of us, ya know?”
He nodded his head, but still didn’t speak. I slammed my eyes shut as memories filtered in through every part of my brain.
“I’d gotten dinner ready that night. All his favorite fixins. I’d put candles out to try and make it feel special. Maybe I was reminiscing about the old days when we were in love. Regardless, he hadn’t come home at the normal time. He’d gotten stuck late working on a project with some other people. As soon as I saw his face that night, I knew something wasn’t right. But I’d waited all day to share my good news and I thought maybe it would brighten his day. When I asked if he wanted me to heat up his meal, he’d gotten mad that it wasn’t still warm. And when… when I… I told him that we were going to have a baby and he just went off.”
I bit down hard on my cheek as my heart rattled against the walls of my chest. Talking about this was harder than I thought. The only thing anchoring me to this moment was Beau and his gentle caresses to the small of my back.
“Cass…” He squeezed me tighter and Oakley looked on. I could feel her warm breath on my skin as if she knew that I needed all the love I could soak up.
“I’m so ashamed that I stayed.” I shook my
