nodded and turned back to me, disappointment filling his eyes. He leaned in to kiss
me on the side of my temple.
“Pain it is, then,” he whispered coldly and stepped away from me without
another glance.
I felt my body shiver, and I didn’t know if it was from his absence or the promise
in his words. When he’d fully disappeared from my sight, Romero and Alex
appeared from the sliding door. They came over to me, shoulders hunched from the
cold as they did not wear jackets. Great.
“Mr. Davis would like for you to come inside now,” he said. I nodded and
followed him in without argument. “You’re to remain in your room for the rest of
the day.”
Shocker.
I went back to our room, changing out of my winter clothes and grabbing my
iPod and a deck of cards from my bag. Sitting on the floor in front of the fire, I
plugged in my headphones and turned up my music—Evanescence to soothe the
dark shadow consuming me.
One by one, I stacked the cards on top of each other, carefully balancing each
one as I stumbled from one thought to the next. It was odd how calming it was just
building a house of cards, how distracting it could be, yet it gave me the focus I
needed to collect my thoughts.
God, I was stupid. I wanted to battle so badly, to remain defiant and stubborn
and for what? So I could convince Darren to hurt me more so I could continue to
drown in my own hatred for him? What kind of self-destructive shit was that?
Maybe I really did need therapy.
How could I allow myself to get past all the torment he’d put me through? I’d
been able to block it out before, too afraid of upsetting him and igniting his wrath.
But now that he was trying to treat me with more luxury, the guilt of enjoying it
settled in because I knew why I shouldn’t accept it, enjoy it. It would cost me way
too much.
I just didn’t want to like Darren, even if it was only for a second. I didn’t want to
appreciate a single ounce of his lavish hospitality or the gifts he granted me … or
even the pleasure he could give me. I didn’t even want his mercy. If I accepted
anything he gave me with genuine happiness, then it felt like I was somehow
forgiving him for everything he’d ever done to me. Like an abusive husband buying
his wife a diamond necklace for giving her a black eye the night before. Gifts were
not Band-Aids, and they certainly weren’t apologies. They were sparkly pieces of
manipulation, and I would not take the bait. They didn’t make anything better and
neither would this goddamn trip.
But still, I lived in a world that required more compromising on my part than
ever. Darren rarely compromised. It was his way, and it was the only way, yet here I
was, sitting in front of a fire in Anchorage, Alaska, surrounded by mountains and
snow on Christmas Eve. Darren didn’t have to bring me here; he didn’t have to
have the house decorated for me. For all fucks given, he could have left me in that
fucking cage in the basement until I forgot my own name. But again, here I was.
Some time later, I heard the door open and saw Romero from the corner of my
eye bring in my dinner. He set it on the table in the middle of the room and then
walked out. I never even touched it. I had no appetite, and I didn’t want to leave the
warmth of my spot.
My card house grew and grew in size and length. Occasionally a stack would fall,
but I’d fix it quickly, making it bigger and better each time. It was difficult when I
fought with myself, wrestling over how mentally strong I was. I worried about
long-term trauma, and that if I gave into Darren’s lavish lifestyle, if I accepted the
gifts and privileges with an open heart, I’d stop seeing the mask he wore; I’d just
believe it was real. I’d learn to ignore it to the point where I wouldn’t even see the
lie anymore. I didn’t want to come to accept him, but I didn’t want to feel so angry
all the time either, so fucking hopeless. I wanted to feel whole, not hollow, but the
only thing Darren would fill me with was fear. If I allowed him to fill it with
something else,
