to reveal myself in it. I sat down on the carpeted floor just outside the window,
completely encompassed by the moon’s glow and stared off into the world I was
barred from.
The view was beyond beautiful. With the ocean off in the distance, the light of
the moon reflected off the water while the stars twinkled above, and it was nearly a
perfect night. I found myself wanting to go down to the beach and walk the night
waves, but I knew that wasn’t happening.
I tried to ignore it, but my mind kept going back to the sharp words I’d shared
with Darren. I’d never thought I knew the monster so well until he revealed how
he’d planned to exploit my trauma into something he thought would benefit him.
That I would succumb to my distress and break, allowing him to claim the loyalty he
wanted so badly from me.
Even the idea of pretending to love him to get him to trust me was enough to
make me vomit. I couldn’t keep that charade up even if my life depended on it …
and it sort of did. I could not look at him with adoration or feel anything but
absolute hatred and disgust. I had no idea how long I would have to fake that shit,
and I didn’t think I had it in me to keep it going. He’d figure it out eventually, and I
didn’t want to think of what he would do if he thought I was lying about something
as important as that.
Getting him to love me would be easier, but that didn’t mean he would
automatically trust me. I just wanted his sympathy, but who knew if that was even
guaranteed? He might be even more resentful because I didn’t reciprocate his
feelings.
God, I just wanted to give up. I didn’t want to do this anymore. There was an
obstacle at every turn, and I had no idea how many turns were in this fucked-up
maze that was my life. I had nothing going for me—no purpose—other than to be
fucked on a daily basis whenever and however Darren wanted me. That was no life.
I needed more. If I was going to be here for as long as I was, then I needed
something to hold on to, something that moved with me, not left me behind. But I
didn’t know what to ask for. And I didn’t know if I would even get it.
It didn’t take long for my tears to unconsciously roll down my cheeks, falling to
my knees as I held on to myself. I tried counting the days of how long I’d been here,
and I came to realize since that almost the end of July, it had been about five
months. God, it felt like it was forever. It was December now; the weather changes
were rolling in, and though it was only in the sixties in California, it was getting
down to the thirties in Michigan. That also meant Christmas was around the corner
somewhere. Fuck, I missed the snow this time of year. My family and I would
usually go up north around this time and spend a whole weekend at Boyne
Mountain, snowboarding until the sun went down. I’d race my brothers down the
hills and occasionally let them win. Occasionally. I could never beat Jason, though.
He’d been snowboarding since he was a kid.
I hated that my mind had brought him up, but with Christmas clearly around the
corner, I couldn’t help but think of him and our Christmas mornings. It was my
favorite holiday. It meant I got to be surrounded by my family, basking in all the
lights and colors, the food, music, and unexplainable magic in the air I felt
whenever that time finally came back around again.
I couldn’t imagine sharing my love of that magic with Darren. I didn’t even
know if he celebrated Christmas since he seemed to forget all about Thanksgiving.
Maybe I should ask. Maybe I should forget about it. I was stuck between asking him
to make my life less miserable to keeping it miserable so I would remember to hate
him.
I would not fall in love with him. I majored in psychology, for fuck’s sake. I
would be able to decipher reality from fantasy. I was too strong to lose track of my
ultimate goals. Even though most of the time I loved the way Darren fucked me
when he wasn’t punishing me, I still wasn’t gone enough to know it was wrong. He
was wrong
