I kicked at his hands and yanked my foot away. “You really think that of me? You believe I would randomly have sex with others just to see if I gain abilities from them? Stars, what a low opinion you have of me!” I pulled away as far as I could, tucking my feet back under my blanket. “I guess I should be glad I’ve learned this now.”
Kaede raised his hands in surrender. His eyes locked on mine. “Of course not! Though... I have wondered why you took on both Xylo and Odelm as nestmates on so short an acquaintance.”
I sighed again, struggling to push my anger aside to explain. “Kaede. Your death count? Your worry that I’d reject you because of your job or your looks? I didn’t, did I? I accepted them as part of who you are, certain that there were things I did not know that explained it. Your job, your past. Something. But I trusted you had a reason. That is part of friendship. Trust.
“But you can’t find a way to trust I have one in bonding with Xylo or Odelm? Or barring that, at least enough respect to ask me—to listen? I bonded with them because I felt an immediate connection, even if I did not understand it at the time. And that connection has only grown as I’ve gotten to know them. We’re kindred spirits. We’ve all been rejected by our respective species. Yet they accept me, wholeheartedly. And I them. We understand one another.”
Kaede paused a moment, thinking.
“No, I don’t buy it. You can’t just trust someone like that. Just shrug and be okay with how much I’ve killed... or even connect with someone instantly like that. I mean, come on, Selena, you bonded with Xylo almost the moment you woke up on a strange ship! Are you sure you didn’t just jump at the chance to get close to the first person who was kind to you—”
I shoved him away and leapt to my feet, throwing the blanket in his face, so angry I could hardly speak.
“If you’re going to keep insulting me, you can leave. It’s clear you won’t listen, can’t trust me to know my own mind. You really think lowly of me,” I spat, and spun on my heel.
I ran to the bedroom and locked the door behind me then collapsed on the couch by the terrarium wall. I stared blindly down at the trees as my eyes filled with tears. Yet again.
I growled, scrubbing at my eyes. I was sick and tired of being pregnant. I was sick and tired of feeling out-of-control. I didn’t know if my mood swings were due to pregnancy hormones, or to this adaptation ability Kaede said I had finally triggered, or it was just all the change in my life. But I was fucking sick of it.
And I was done with being hurt by Kaede.
For someone so smart, he was terrible at communication. Looking at it objectively, I guess I should be disgusted by or maybe scared of Kaede. But for some reason, I wasn’t. Instead, I felt safe. It was that same instinctual urge to trust him as I’d felt with both Xylo and Odelm. Even felt with him.
Sure, Kaede was dangerous—and that could be lethal if he ever turned it against me. But some subconscious part of me was drawn to him. Perhaps his very danger made me feel safe, knowing he was protecting me. And I yearned for us to become friends. But I couldn’t keep riding this emotional pendulum with him.
Reality was... He was employed to protect me, and in the end, I was afraid that would trump any friendship we developed. I needed to remember that. To keep my heart protected against his inconsistency—and against possible betrayal if his employer demanded something that might hurt me.
The door swooshed open.
Keeping my eyes on the terrarium, I knew instantly that it wasn’t Odelm or Xylo. I could feel they were still on the lower decks. It had to be Kaede using his control of the ship.
“Go away!”
Weight settled beside me and a pair of strong arms wrapped around me, pulling me into a hard chest.
I tried to pull away, but my struggles were ineffective. I burst into tears, sobbing, as my hands pressed against his chest.
A hand stroked my hair and I felt his warm breath tickling my ear as he whispered, “I’m sorry. I was out of line. I don’t think lowly of you, Selena—quite the opposite. And I do trust you. I know you can’t control who you are any more than I can control who I am.”
“Then why do you keep harping on my lack of judgment, on my relationships? Even if they were a mistake—which I definitely do not believe—they’re a part of me now. Nothing can change that, other than death,” I sobbed.
He sighed, his arms tightening around me.
“After spending years helping my client search for you, I’d hoped once I found you, we’d get to know one other. You talk about kindred spirits? We have so much in common, Selena... I’d hoped that being your Head of Security, you’d learn to trust me, that we’d become good friends. Instead, you attached yourself to Xylo. Then to Odelm. You gave them the one thing I’d wished for all these years—your trust and friendship—instantly.”
He squeezed, then rested his cheek against my forehead. His silky hair fell in a curtain of black over half of my face. He sighed again. “Jealousy, Selena. It made me jealous. And it seems each time we talk, I mess something up between us. I may be good at my job—politics, missions, I never fail—but it seems I’m terrible when it comes to establishing
