“Nothing wrong with that,” I said as she perched Cher on his own chair.
“I’m glad you had time to join an old girl for a drink.”
“Of course,” I replied, squeezing her hand. “Anything for you.”
“I’m still stunned, darling.” She popped two sugar lumps into her cup and stirred it slowly. “I couldn’t have wished for anything better.”
“I had a lot of help,” I replied as I caught her staring at me. She brought the cup to her mouth and took a sip.
“I cannot tell you how proud I am,” she said. “What you’ve done is going to transform the services at the clinic. Update everything, bring some fresh life to the place. Skye, I’m seen as an old fuddy-duddy now, many of the youngsters don’t want to accept advice from me.”
“That’s not true,” I replied. “You’re well respected.”
“I’ll take your word for it,” she said. “But there’s no getting away from the fact I’m getting older, darling, and at some point, I’ll be retiring and letting a younger, more spirited and enthusiastic person take over. The fact that we have this kind of video as part of our education services before I go, fills me with the greatest joy.” I smiled as she handed Cher a treat from her bag. “Now, let’s get to the important stuff. Tell me what’s wrong?”
I shouldn’t have been taken aback by her question, we’d gotten to know each other well over the last few years and she’d been a great source of support after Elliott died. I decided honesty was the best policy. “How did you know?”
“There’s a little something missing, a smaller sparkle than normal.”
“I don’t know,” I shrugged, unsure where to start. “I think I’m broken.”
She glanced at me over her coffee cup. “This has been a passion project for you, hasn’t it?” I nodded. “But it’s really about Elliott.”
“He’s been the driving force,” I replied honestly.
“It’s a wonderful thing to do in his memory, Skye.”
“I’m not sure who I’m doing it for anymore,” I replied. “Him or me.”
“Explain yourself, darling.”
“I think I need…some support.”
“What are we talking about here, Skye?” she asked softly. “Bereavement support? Counselling?”
“Yes, but other stuff too.” I sighed. “Not just Elliott but all the other crap. There’s been so many losses, Chris. I’m not sure I’ve worked out how they’ve impacted on my life.”
“Darling, everyone has their own journey. We get no maps, no instruction manuals or built-in sat nav.” She leant in. “But what we do get is a good spirit level. We know when we start to tip. Some of us do something about it and others ignore it, deny it, hope for the best.” She took my hand. “You, my darling, know you need to do something about it.” She tapped the back of it. “That’s half the battle.”
“I know I need to work on a few things,” I said, “but I’m not sure where to start.”
“Close your eyes,” she said, “tell me the first thing that comes into your head.”
“There’s someone I like,” I rushed out without a second thought.
She looked around dramatically. “Where is Will tonight?” She winked.
“How do you know?” I smiled.
“I’ve been around a long time, Skye. There’s not a lot that passes me by.”
“He said he loves me.”
“Good man.”
I shook my head. “I’ve waited so long to hear him say that, longer than I thought, but I can’t help having these maddening intrusive thoughts that he deserves more than I can give him right now because I need to love myself first.” The word caught my throat, encouraging tears. Admitting it out loud was difficult. “I need to love myself – before I can love him back.”
“My clever girl,” she said, wiping my tears, “your mind believes everything you tell it, darling Skye. It’s important you tell it the good stuff. Feed it love, give it truth, be kind. Be enough for yourself first because how can you be enough for anyone else? It won’t work, sweetheart and oh my goodness, I want it to work for you.” She leant in. “Now…let’s see if they’ll add a drop of brandy to this drink.”
“Alcohol seems to make everything worse,” I replied.
“But talking makes everything so much better.”
25
Skye
Talking to Dr Chris made everything seem clearer. We didn’t need the brandy, but I needed the talk. I went home with a strong sense of what I had to do next, the first steps I needed to take in order to heal old wounds. Will continued to send messages, pictures and memories, all with the word reminders attached to them. For the last few days, I looked forward to them, but then they stopped along with replies to my text messages and failed attempts to call him. The time away from each other was a reminder that there were parts of me I needed to come to terms with, aspects I needed to address rather than keep locked away. I was given a lot of time to think and plan, but when all of the pieces came together and fit perfectly, I knew I needed to see him and explain.
And to offer him a promise.
I’d never been so daunted about knocking on a door before. I could see the light on in his bedroom window and after a twitch of curtain and three more knocks Will eventually appeared.
“Hey,” I said as he stood there in all his nerdy splendour. Marvel pj bottoms, glasses and a Superman curl. “There’s a lot I want to say to you and I know it probably won’t make any sense but…I need you to listen and try to understand that I’m doing this for us, but ultimately me, and, shit, this isn’t coming out how I wanted it to.” He folded his arms and I ignored the wonderful curve of his bicep and his awful cold stare to continue. “I had to see you because I didn’t want to go out the coward’s way. I’ve been
